


t 



4 


A PRACTICAL MANUAL OF SOCIAL USAGES 


By 

MARION HARLAND 

and 

VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER 






i 


** Manners must adorn knowledge and 
smooth its way through the world." 
Chesterfield’s Letters. 


/ 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



•.'.-.v-r : .. >v 


Copyright 1905 
The Bobbs-Merrill Company 

Copyright 1907 
The Bobbs-Merrill Company 

November 




4 




PRESS OF 

braunvporth & 00. 

BOOKBir«>ERS AND PRINTERS 
BROOKLYN. N. Y. 


Everyday Eitiquette 















DEDICATION 


As mother and daughter, — as author and amanuensis, — we, 
who have collaborated in the preparation of this book, have 
had equal opportunities of knowing how much it is needed. 
Thousands of letters have been received and answered by 
us yearly, asking for just such information as we have 
written down here. 

One fact enlisted our sympathizing interest at an early 
stage of the correspondence. Those who were most anxious 
to learn the by-laws of polite society, and to order their 
manners in accordance with what we long ago elected to 
call the **Gospel of Conventionalityr were not the illiterate 
and vulgar. Men and women — women, in particular — to 
whom changed circumstances or removal from secluded 
homes to fashionable neighborhoods involved the necessity 
of altered habits of social intercourse ; girls, whose parents 
are content to live and move in the deep ruts in which they 
and their forebears were born ; people of humble lineage 
and rude bringing up, who yet have longings and tastes for 
gentlehood and for the harmony and beauty that go with 
really good breeding — these make up the body of our 
clientele. Every page of our manual was written with a 
thought of them in our minds. We have tried to make the 
lessons they would learn simple, and in all to show the 
aptness of the phrase quoted above as descriptive of the 
code made up of decorous and gracious ordinances. 

We could ask no greater measure of success for the 
volume we here and now dedicate to these, our correspond- 
ents and their congeners, than that a copy of it may find 
welcome and use in every home from which have come 
to us requests for light and help upon Everyday Etiqiiette. 



New York, August, 1905 



CONTENTS 


CHAPTER 

. I 

Sending and Receiving Invitations . 

page 

1 

'"I 

n< 

Cards and Calls 

. ■ 

. 

13 


in 

Letter Writing 

. 

. 

24 


IV 

After Six O’Clock 

. 

. 



V 

“Functions” 

. 

. 

48 


VI 

The Home Wedding 

. 

. 

66 


VII 

The Church Wedding 

. 

. 

78 


VIII 

The Dinner Party 

. 

. 

90 


IX 

The Education of a Young Girl 

102 


X 

The Debutante 


. 

116 


XI 

The Young Man and the Young 

Woman 

123 


XII 

Coeducation Socially Considered . 

137 


XIII 

The Chaperon . 

. 

. 

149 


XIV 

The Matter of Dress 

. 

. 

159 

1 

XV 

Making and Receiving Gifts 

. 

172 


XVI 

Bachelor Hospitality 

. 

. 

183 


xvn 

The Visitor 

. 

. 

191.-^ 


XVIII 

The Visited 

. 


213 


XIX 

Hospitality as a Duty 

. 

. 

226 


XX 

The House of Mourning 

. 

. 

232 


XXI 

At Table 

. 

• 

244 


XXII 

Etiquette in the Home 


, , 

266 



CONTENTS— Continued. 


OHAPTEB 

XXIII 

In Public 

PAGE 

270 

XXIV 

Etiquette of Hotel and Boabding- 

House Life 

282 

XXV 

Etiquette of Traveling 

296 

XXVI 

Etiquette in Sport .... 

308 

XXVII 

Mrs. Newlyrich and Her Social 

Duties 

323 

XXVIII 

A Delicate Point of Etiquette for 

Our Girl 

339 

XXIX 

Our Own and Other People’s 

Children 

350 

XXX 

Our Neighbors 

362 

XXXI 
^ XXXII 

Etiquette of Church and Parish 

371 

The Woman’s Club .... 

382 

XXXIII 

Charities, Public and Private 

397 

XXXIV 

Courtesy from the Y oung to 

the Old 

408 

4 XXXV 

Mistress and Maid .... 

420 

XXXVI 

The Woman Without a Maid . 

431 

XXXVII 

Woman in Business Relations 

444 

XXXVIII 

A Financial Study for Our Young 

Married Couple .... 

453 

XXXIX 

More about Allowances . 

464 

XL 

A Few of the Little Things that 

Are Big Things .... 

469 

XLI 

Self-Help and Observations 

488 


Everyday Etiquette 



' ■ > 

u 








EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


I 

SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS 

The sending and receiving of invita- 
tions underlies social obligations. It 
therefore behooves both senders and rec- 
cipients to learn the proper form in which 
these evidences of hospitality should be 
despatched and received. 

It is safe to assert that in the majority 
of cases an invitation demands an an- 
swer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err 
on the side of acknowledging an invita- 
tion, rather than on that of ignoring it 
altogether. 

Those that we will consider first are 
such as demand no acceptance, but which 
call for regrets if one can not accept. 

1 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Such are cards to “At Home” days, to 
teas, and to large receptions. Unless any 
one of these bears on its face the letters 
“R. s. V. p.” {Repondez, s^il vous plait 
— ^Answer if you please) no acceptance is 
required. If one can not attend the func- 
tion, one should send one’s card so that 
one’s would-be-hostess will receive it on 
the day of the affair. 

The cards for an “At Home” are is- 
sued about ten days before the function. 
They bear the hostess’ name alone, unless 
her husband is to receive with her, in which 
case the card may bear the two names, as 
“Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.” The aver- 
age American man does not, however, 
figure at his wife’s “At Homes” when 
these are held in the afternoon. The ex- 
igencies of counting-room and office hold 
him in thrall too often for him to be de- 
pended on as a certainty for such an oc- 
casion. 


2 


INVITATIONS 


The card bears in the lower right-hand 
comer the address of the entertainer; in 
the lower left-hand corner the date and 
the hours of the affair, — as “Wednesday 
October the nineteenth,” and under this 
“From four until seven o’clock.” 

If the tea be given in honor of a friend, 
or to introduce a stranger, the card of 
this person is inclosed with that of the 
hostess, if the affair be rather informal. 
If, however, it be a formal reception 
it is well to have engraved upon the card 
of the hostess, directly under her own 
name, “To meet Miss Blank.” 

The recipient, in sending her cards of 
regret, also incloses a card for the guest 
or friend whom she has been invited to 
meet. 

The cards for an evening reception may 
be issued in the same style. If not, they 
are in the form of a regular invitation, 
and in the third person, as: 

3 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


“Mr. and Mrs. James Smith 
Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. 

Brown’s company 

On Wednesday evening, October nine- 
teenth, 

From eight to eleven o’clock. 

2 West Clark Street.” 

If this formal invitation bears “R. s. 
V. p.” in one corner, it should be accepted 
in the same person in which it is written, 
thus : 

“Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with 
pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s invitation 
for Wednesday evening, October nine- 
teenth.” 

It is hardly to be supposed that any 
person who reads this book will be guilty 
of the outrageous solecism of signing his 
or her name to an invitation written in the 
third person. But such things have been 
done! 

Invitations to dances are often issued 
in the same form as those to teas, with 
4 


INVITATIONS 


“Dancing” written or engraved in the 
corner of the card. As with teas, so with 
evening receptions, a declinature must be 
sent in the shape of a card delivered on 
the day of the function. The custom that 
some persons follow of writing “Regrets” 
on such a card is not good form. 

An invitation to a card-party, no mat- 
ter how informal, always demands an an- 
swer, as the entertainer wishes to know 
how many tables to provide, and the num- 
ber of players she can count on. 

Cards to church weddings demand no 
answer unless the wedding be a small one 
and the invitations are written by the bride 
or one of the relatives, in which case the 
acceptance or regret must be written at 
once, and thanks expressed for the honor. 
A “crush” church wedding is the one 
function that demands no reply of any 
kind. If one can go, well and good. If 
one does not go one will not be missed 
5 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


from the crowd that will throng the edi- 
fice. An invitation to a home-wedding or 
breakfast demands an answer and thanks 
for the honor. 

While on the subject of invitations to 
large or formal affairs, it may be well 
to touch on the point concerning which 
many correspondents write letters of ag- 
onized inquiry, — ^the addressing of en- 
velops to the different members of the 
family. The question, “Can one invita- 
tion be sent to an entire family, consist- 
ing of parents, sons and daughters?” is 
asked again and again. To each of these 
an emphatic “No!” should be the answer. 
If any one is to be honored by an invita- 
tion to a function, he should be honored by 
an invitation sent in the proper way. One 
card should be sent to “Mr. and Mrs. 
Blank;” another to the “Misses Blank,” 
still another to each son of the family. 
Each invitation is inclosed in a separate 
6 


INVITATIONS 


envelop, but, if desired, all these envelops 
may be inclosed in a larger outer one ad- 
dressed to the head of the house. 

The most important of invitations, — 
that is, one demanding an immediate an- 
swer, — is that to a dinner or luncheon, be 
this formal or informal. For very stately 
and most formal dinners, engraved invi- 
tations in the third person are sent. Eut 
it is quite as good form, and in appear- 
ance much more hospitable and compli- 
mentary, for the hostess herself to write 
personal notes of invitation to each guest. 
These may be in the simplest language, 
as: 

“My dear Miss Dorr: 

Will you give Mr. Brown and myself 
the pleasure of having you at dinner with 
us on Tursday evening, December the 
sixth? We sincerely hope that you will 
be among those whom v/e expect to see at 
our table that night. Dinner will be at 
seven o’clock. Cordially yours, 

Luella Brown.” 


7 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

To a married woman the invitation 
should always include herself and her hus- 
band, but it is addressed to her because it 
is the woman who is supposed to have 
charge of the social calendar of the fam- 
ily. This note may read : 

“My dear Mrs. Aikman: 

Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us 
by being among our guests at dinner on 
Thursday evening, December the sixth, 
at seven o’clock? Sincerely hoping to see 
you at that time, I remain. 

Cordially yours, 

Luella Brown.” 

A note of invitation to a single man is 
written in the same way. If the dinner be 
given to any particular guest or guests, 
this fact should be mentioned in the in- 
vitation. As, for instance, “Will you dine 
with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows,” 
and so forth. 

As soon as practicable after the receipt 
of such an in\dtation, the recipient should 
8 


INVITATIONS 


write a cordial note of acceptance, express- 
ing thanks and the pleasure she (or her 
husband and she) will take in being pres- 
ent at the time mentioned. 

If a declinature is necessary, let it be 
in the form of a recognition of the honor 
conveyed in the invitation, and genuine 
regret at the impossibility of accepting 
it. This may be worded somewhat in the 
following way: 

“My dear Mrs. Brown: 

Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely 
that a previous engagement makes it im- 
possible for us to accept your delightful 
invitation for December the sixth. We 
thank you for counting us among those 
who are so happy as to be your guests on 
that evening, and only wish that we could 
be with you. 

Cordially and regretfully yours, 

Jane Aikman.’^ 

No matter how informal a dinner is to 
be, if the invitation is once accepted, noth- 
ing must be allowed to interfere with one’s 
9 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


attendance unless she is so ill that her phy- 
sician absolutely forbids her leaving the 
house. 

Some wit said that a man’s only excuse 
for non-attendance at such a function is 
his death, in which case he should send his 
obituary notice as an explanation. Cer- 
tain it is that nothing short of one’s own 
severe illness or the dangerous illness of a 
member of the family should interfere 
with one’s attendance at a dinner. Should 
such a contingency arise, a telegram or 
telephone message should be sent immedi- 
ately that the hostess may try to engage 
another guest to take the place of the one 
who is unavoidably prevented from being 
present. 

All the rules that apply to the sending 
and receiving of invitations to a dinner 
prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is as 
important a function, and the acceptance 
or declinature of a letter requesting that 
10 


INVITATIONS 


one should attend it must be promptly 
despatched. 

The matter of invitations to pay visits 
will he treated under the headings of 
“The Visitor” and “The Visited.” 

Before closing this chapter we should 
like to remind the possible guest that an 
invitation is intended as an honor. The 
function to which one is asked may be all 
that is most boring, and the flesh and 
spirit may shrink from attending it. But 
if one declines what is meant as a compli- 
ment, let him do so in a manner that shows 
he appreciates the honor intended. To de- 
cline as if the person extending the in- 
vitation were a bit presumptuous in giv- 
ing it, or to accept in a condescending 
manner, is a lapse that shows a common 
strain under the recentl37^-acquired polish. 
A thoroughbred accepts and declines all 
invitations as though he were honored by 
the attention. In so doing he shows him- 
11 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

self worthy to receive any compliment that 
may under any circumstances be extended 
to him. Would that more of the strug- 
glers up Society’s ladders would appre- 
ciate this truth ! 


12 


II 


CARDS AND CALLS 

The styles of calling-cards change from 
year to year, even from season to season, 
so that it is impossible to make hard-and- 
fast rules as to the size and thickness of 
the bits of pasteboard, or the script with 
which they are engraved. Any up-to-date 
stationer can give one the desired informa- 
tion on these points. 

In choosing a card-plate it is well to se- 
lect a style of script so simple yet elegant 
that it will not be outre several seasons 
hence, unless one’s purse will allow one to 
revise one’s plate with each change of 
fashion. It should not be necessary to 
remark that a printed card is an atrocity. 
Even a man’s business card should be en- 
graved, not printed. 


13 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


It is no longer considered the proper 
thing for one card to bear the husband’s 
and wife’s names together, as was a few 
years ago the mode, thus, — “Mr. and Mrs. 
Charles Sprague.” Still, some persons 
have a few cards thus marked and use 
them in sending gifts from husband and 
wife. As a rule, however, the husband’s 
card is inclosed in an envelop with that 
of his wife in sending gifts, regrets, and 
the like. 

The card of a matron bears her hus- 
band’s full name unless she be a divorcee, 
thus, — “Mrs. George Williams Brown.” 
Even widows retain this style of address. 
In the lower right-hand corner is the ad- 
dress, and in the lower left-hand corner 
one’s “at home” days are named, as “Tues- 
days until Lent,” or “Wednesdays in 
February and March,” or “Thursdays un- 
til May.” 

A young woman’s cards bear her name, 
14 


CARDS AND CALLS 


^‘Miss Blank,” if she be the oldest or only 
daughter in the family. The address on 
her cards is in the lower left-hand corner. 
If she have an older sister the card reads 
“Miss Mary Hilton Blank.” 

A man’s card is much smaller than that 
of a woman and often has no address on 
it, unless it be a business card, which must 
never be used for social purposes. The 
“Mr.” is put before his signature as, “Mr. 
James John Smith.” By the time a boy is 
eighteen years of age he is considered old 
enough to have his cards marked with the 
prefix “Mr.” 

Perhaps there is no social obligation 
that is more neglected and ignored than 
that of calling at proper times and regu- 
lar intervals. In the rush and hurry of 
American life, it is well-nigh impossible 
for the busy woman to perform her duty 
in this line unless she have a certain degree 
of system about it. To this end she should 
15 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


keep a regular calling-list or book, and 
pay strict heed to the debit and credit 
columns. It will require much manage- 
ment and thought to arrange her visits 
so that they will always fall on the At 
Home” days of her acquaintances. When 
a woman has an “At Home” day it is an 
unwarrantable liberty for any one to call 
at any other time unless it be on business, 
or by special invitation, or permission. As 
many women have the same day at home 
one must limit the length of a call to fif- 
teen or twenty minutes upon a casual ac- 
quaintance, never making it longer than 
half-an-hour even at the house of a friend. 

Some persons seem to feel that there is 
a certain amount of pomp and circum- 
stance about calling on an “At Home” 
day and the novice in society asks timidly 
what she is to do at such a time. She is to 
do simply what she would do on any other 
day when she is sure of finding her hostess 
16 


CARDS AND CALLS 

in and disengaged. The caller hands her 
card to the servant opening the door ; then 
enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who 
will probably introduce her to any other 
guests who happen to be present, unless 
there be a large number of these, in which 
case she will probably be introduced to a 
few in her immediate vicinity. The caller 
will chat for a few minutes, take a cup 
of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, 
with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, 
or decline all refreshment if she prefer. 
At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, 
she will rise, say “Good Afternoon” to her 
hostess, murmur a “Good Afternoon” to 
the company in general and take her de- 
parture. If her card has not been taken 
by the servant who opened the door for 
her, our caller may lay it on the hall table 
as she goes out. 

When a woman is at home one day a 
week for several months, she is expected 
17 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


to make very little preparation in the way 
of refreshment for her chance guests. The 
tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one 
side of the room, and upon it are cups and 
saucers, tea-pot, canister, and hot water 
kettle. A plate of thin bread-and-butter, 
or sandwiches, or biscuits, and another of 
sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this 
table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon 
complete the outfit. The kettle is kept 
boiling that fresh tea may be made when 
required, and a servant enters when needed 
to take out the used cups. If there are 
many callers, the services of this maid 
may be required to assist in passing cups, 
and sugar and cream. Otherwise the host- 
ess may attend to such matters herself, 
chatting pleasantly as she does so. It is 
not incumbent on a caller to take any- 
thing to eat or drink unless she wishes to 
do this. When one attends half-a-dozen 
such “At Homes” in an afternoon one 


18 


CARDS AND CALLS 


would have to carry a bag like that worn 
by Jack the Giant-Killer of fairy-lore, if 
one were to accept refreshments at each 
house. The hostess should, therefore, 
never insist that a guest eat and drink if 
she has declined to do so. 

In calling on a married woman a ma- 
tron leaves one of her own cards and two 
of her husband’s. Her card is for the 
hostess, one of her husband’s is for the 
hostess and the other for the man of the 
house. If there be several ladies in the 
family, as for instance, a mother and two 
daughters, the caller leaves one of her 
own and one of her husband’s cards for 
each woman, and an extra card from her 
husband for each man of the household. 

This is the general rule, but it must have 
some exceptions. For instance, in a house- 
hold where there are five or six women it 
is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of 
visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves 
19 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

her card for “the ladies,” and leaves it 
with her husband’s, also for “the ladies.” 
One of his cards is also left for the man 
of the family. Or if there be several men 
it may be left simply for “the gentle- 
men.” 

If one knows that there is a guest stay- 
ing at a house at which one calls, one must 
send in one’s card for this guest. Or, if 
one have a friend staying in the same 
town with one, and one calls on her, it is a 
breach of good breeding not to inquire for 
the friend’s hostess and leave a card for 
her whether she appear or not. 

Custom clings to the black-edged card 
for those in mourning. It has its uses 
and surely its abuses. For those in deep 
mourning it is a convenience to send in 
the form of regrets, as the black edge 
gives sufficient reason in itself for the non- 
acceptance of invitations. It may also be 
sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it 
20 


CARDS AND CALLS 

as a calling-card the border should be very 
narrow. If one is in such deep mourning 
that one’s card must appear with a half- 
inch of black around it, one is certainly 
in too deep mourning to pay calls. Un- 
til the black edge can be reduced to the 
less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width, 
the owner would do well to shun society. 

Nor should a black-edged card accom- 
pany an invitation to a social function. 
Several seasons ago a matron introduced 
to society in a large city a niece who had, 
eighteen months before, lost a brother. 
With the hostess’ invitations to the re- 
ception was inclosed the card of the young 
guest, and this card had a black border 
an eighth-of -an-inch wide. The recipients 
of the invitations were to be pardoned if 
they wondered a bit at the incongruity 
of a person in mourning receiving at a 
large party. Under the circumstances she 
should have declined to have the social 
21 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


function given in her honor, or should 
have laid aside her insignia of dolor. 

If, then, one has reached the point 
where one is ready to reenter society, let 
one give up the mourning-cards and again 
use plain white bits of pasteboard. 

In calling at a house after a bereave- 
ment, it is well, except when the afflicted 
one is an intimate friend, to leave the card 
with a message of sjunpathy at the door. 
One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with 
the card. A fortnight after the funeral 
one may call and ask to see the ladies of 
the family, adding that if they do not feel 
like seeing callers they will please not 
think of coming down. Under such cir- 
cumstances only a supersensitive person 
will be hurt by receiving the message that 
the ladies beg to be excused, and that they 
are grateful for the kind thought that 
prompted the call. 

The rule that we have just given ap- 
22 


CARDS AND CALLS 

plies to the household in which there is 
serious illness. A call may consist of an 
inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. 
This may be accompanied by some such 
message as “Please express my sincere 
hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, 
and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of 
any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall 
be grateful if he will let me know.” 

One should always return a first call 
within three weeks after it has been made. 
After a dinner, luncheon, or card-party, a 
call must be made within a fortnight. An 
afternoon tea requires no “party call.” 
After a large reception one may call 
within the month. After a wedding re- 
ception one must call within a fortnight 
on the mother of the bride, and on the 
bride on her “At Home” day as soon as 
possible after her return from the wed- 
ding trip. 


23 


Ill 


LETTER- WRITING 

The writing of letters, of the good old- 
fashioned kind, is rapidly becoming a 
thing of the past. People used to write 
epistles. Now they write notes. Before 
the days of the stenographer, the type- 
writer, the telegraph and telephone, when 
people made their own clothes by hand, 
wove their own sheets, and had no time- 
saving machines, they found leisure to 
write epistles to their friends. Some of us 
are so fortunate as to have stowed away in 
an old tnmk some of these productions. 
The ink is pale and the paper yellowed, 
but tlie matter is still interesting. All the 
news of the family, the neighborhood gos- 
sip, the latest sayings and doings of the 
children and of callers, an account of the 


24 > 


LETTER-WRITING 


books read, of the minister’s last sermon, 
and of the arrival of the newest of 
many olive branches, filled pages. What 
must these same pages have meant to the 
exile from home! And how much there 
was in such letters to answer! 

Still, even in this day and generation 
there are a few people who have so far 
held to the good old traditions that they 
write genuine letters. And — wonder of 
wonders! — they answer questions asked 
them in letters written by their corre- 
spondents. Only those who have written 
questions to which they desired prompt 
answers, appreciate how maddening it is 
to receive a letter w^hich tells you every- 
thing except the answers to your queries. 
And this ignoring of the epistle one is 
supposed to be answering is a feature of 
the up-to-date letter-writer. There is, 
even in friendly correspondence, a right 
and a wrong way of doing a thing. 

25 



EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

The wrong, and well-nigh universal, 
way of treating a letter is as follows; It 
is read as rapidly as possible, pigeon- 
holed, and forgotten. Weeks hence, in 
clearing out the desk it is found, the hand- 
writing recognized, and it is laid aside to 
be answered later. When that “later” 
comes depends on the leisure of the 
owner. At last a so-called answer is has- 
tily written without a second reading of 
the letter to which one is replying. Such a 
reply begins with an apology for a long 
and unavoidable silence, an account of 
how cruelly busy one is nowadays, a pass- 
ing mention of the number of duties one 
has to perform, a wish that the two corre- 
spondents may meet in the near future, 
and a rushing final sentence of affection 
followed by the signature. Such is the 
up-to-date letter. 

If a correspondent is worth having, she 
is worth treating fairly. Let her letter be 
26 


LETTER-WRITING 


read carefully, and laid aside until such 
time as one can have a half-hour of unin- 
terrupted writing. Then, let the^letter 
one would answer be read, and the ques- 
tions it contains be -answered in order, and 
first of all. This is common courtesy. 
After which one may write as much as 
time and inclination permit. If one has 
not the time to conduct one’s correspond- 
ence in this way, let one have fewer corre- 
spondents. It is more fair to them and to 
oneself. 

Colored letter-paper is in bad form un- 
less the color be a pale gray or a light 
blue. From time to time, stationers have 
put upon the market paper outre in de- 
sign and coloring, and the persons who 
have used it were just what might be ex- 
pected. It reminds one of what Richard 
Grant White said of the words “gents” 
and “pants” — ^he noticed “that the one 
generally wore the other.” So, paper that 
27 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

is such bad form as this is usually used by 
persons who are “bad form/’ 

Plain white paper of good quality is al- 
ways in fashion. For social correspond- 
ence this paper must be so cut that it 
is folded but once to be slipped into an 
envelop. At the top of the page in the 
middle may be the address, as 123 West 
Barrows Street^ and the name of the city. 
Just now, this is the only marking that 
is used on the sheet, although some per- 
sons have the initials or monogram, or 
crest, in place of the address. It is no 
longer fashionable to have the crest or 
monogram and the address also. Except 
for business purposes the envelop is un- 
marked. 

Letter-heads, such as are used for busi- 
ness correspondence, should never be used 
for social purposes. Even the business 
man may keep in his office desk a quire or 
two of plain paper upon which to write 
28 


LETTER-WRITING 


society notes and replies to invitations. 
INor is it permissible for him to use the 
type-writer in inditing these. All his busi- 
ness correspondence may be conducted 
with the aid of the invaluable machine, 
and he may, if he ask permission to do so, 
send letters to members of his own family 
on the type-writer. But all other corre- 
spondence should be done with pen and 
ink. 

Unfortunately, mourning stationery is 
still in vogue, but the recipient of a black- 
edged letter is often conscious of a dis- 
tinct shock when she first sees the emblem 
of dolor, and wonders if it contains the 
notice of a death. For this reason many 
considerate followers of conventionalities 
do not use the black-edged stationery, but 
content themselves with plain white paper 
marked with the address or monogram in 
black lettering. 

A social or friendly letter is frequently 
29 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

dated at the end, at the left-hand lower 
corner of the signature. A business com- 
munication is dated at the upper right- 
hand corner. 

The expression “My dear Mr. Blank” 
is more formal than is “Dear Mr. Blank,” 
and is, therefore, used in society notes. 
Business letters addressed to a man should 
begin with the name of the person to 
whom they are intended on one line, the 
salutation on the next, as: “Mr. John 
Smith” on the upper line, and below this, 
“Dear Sir.” In addressing a firm con- 
sisting of more than one person, write the 
name of the firm, as “Smith, Jones and 
Company,” then below, “Dear Sirs.” 
Never use the salutation “Gentlemen” in 
such a case. 

It should be unnecessary to remind 
women not to preface their signatures 
with the title “Mrs.” or “Miss.” Such a 
mistake stamps one as a vulgarian or an 
30 


LETTER-WRITING 


ignoramus. The name in full may be 
signed, as : “Mary Bacon Smith.” If 
the writer be a married woman, and the 
person to whom she writes does not know 
whether she be married or single, she 
should write her husband’s name with the 
preface “Mrs.” below her signature, or in 
the lower left-hand corner of the sheet, as 
(“Mrs. James Hayes Smith.”) 

To sign one’s name prefaced by the first 
letter is no longer considered good form. 
“J. Henry Wells” should be “John Henry 
Wells.” If one would use one initial let- 
ter instead of the full name, let that letter 
be the middle initial, as “John H. Wells,” 
or better still, “J. H. Wells.” 

I wish I could impress on all follow- 
ers of good form that a postal card is a 
solecism except when used for business 
purposes. If it is an absolute necessity to 
send one to a friend or a member of one’s 
family, as, when stopping for a moment 
31 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE " 


at a railroad station one wishes to send a 
line home telling of one’s safety at the 
present stage of the journey, the sentences 
should be short and to the point, and un- 
prefaced by an affectionate salutation. 
All love-messages should he omitted, as 
should the intimate termination that is en- 
tirely proper in a sealed letter. “Affec- 
tionately” or “Lovingly” are out of place 
when written upon a postal card. Expres- 
sions such as “God bless you!” or “I love 
you,” or “Love to the dear ones,” are in 
shockingly bad taste except under cover 
of an envelop. A good rule to impress on 
those having a penchant for the prevalent 
post-card is as follows: “Use only for 
business, and then only when brevity and 
simplicity are the order of the day; never 
use for friendly correspondence unless 
the purchase of a sheet of paper, envelop 
and postage stamp is an impossibility.” 

The friendly letter may be as long as 
32 


LETTER - WRITING 


time and inclination permit. The business 
communication should be written in as 
few and clear sentences as possible. Some 
one has said that to write a model business 
letter one should “begin in the middle of 
it.” In other words, it should be unpre- 
faced by any unnecessary sentences, but 
should begin immediately on the busi- 
ness in hand, continue and finish with it. 
For such letters “Very truly yours” is the 
correct ending, unless, as in the case of a 
man or firm addressing a letter to a per- 
son totally unknown to the writer, when 
the expression “Respectfully yours” may 
be used. 

Many people consider letters of con- 
gratulation and condolence the most diffi- 
cult to write. This is because one feels 
that a certain kind of form is necessary 
and that conventional and stilted phrases 
are proper under the circumstances. This 
is a mistake, for, going on the almost un- 
33 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

failing principle that what comes from 
the heart, goes to the heart, the best form 
to be used toward those in sorrow or joy 
is a genuine expression of feeling. If 
you are sorry for a friend, write to her 
that you are, and that you are thinking 
of her and longing to help her. If you 
are happy in her happiness, say so as cor- 
dially as words can express it. 

We can not close this chapter on letter- 
writing without a word to the person who 
writes a letter asking a question on his 
own business, and fails to inclose a stamp. 
This is equivalent to asking the recipient 
on whom one has no claim, to give one 
the time required for writing an answer 
to one’s query, and a two-cent stamp as 
well. When the matter on which one 
writes is essentially one’s own business, 
and not that of the person to whom one 
writes and from whom one demands a re- 
ply, one should always inclose a stamp or 
S4 


LETTER-WRITING 


a self-addressed and stamped envelop, 
thus making the favor one asks of the 
least possible trouble to one’s correspond- 
ent. 

In all business and society correspond-^ 
ence a letter should be answered as soon as 
possible after it is received. One may af- 
ford to take a certain amount of liberty 
with one’s friends, and lay aside a letter 
for some days before answering it. But 
the acceptance or declinature of an invita- 
tion, and the answer to a business com- 
munication, should be sent with as little 
delay as possible. 


S5 


IV 


AFTER SIX o’clock 

For most of us the active business of 
the day is over at sundown. Mothers of 
large families, physicians and occasionally 
other workers are employed over time; 
but most of us can count on leisure after 
six o’clock. Much of our happiness de- 
pends upon how this leisure is employed. 
That it should afford recreation of one 
sort or another is a commonly accepted 
opinion, though one that is accepted usu- 
ally without appreciation of the obliga- 
tions involved. Recreation implies some- 
thing more than idleness. One can not be 
amused in any worth-while sense without 
sitting up and paying attention. Foreign- 
ers complain habitually that Americans 
take their pleasures sadly, that they do not 
36 


AFTER SIX O’CLOCK 

go in for gaiety with spirit. We are much 
more vital in our attitude toward work 
than toward play. We know that we must 
pay for success in labor of any sort, but 
the debt we owe to amusement is a point 
not yet so widely grasped. Pleasure is shy 
of the person who makes only occasional 
advances to her. She must be courted 
habitually in order to give a full return. 
We are all acquainted with the dull, un- 
happy appearance of the sedulous man 
of business off for a rare holiday. Pie is 
out of his element. He knows how to be- 
have himself at work but he is not ac- 
quainted with the fundamental principles 
of having a good time. These can not be 
learned in a minute. One must have prac- 
tice in enjoyment in order to carry off the 
matter easily; and this practice should be 
a habit of every-day life. Many people 
who stand shyly off from the delights of 
the world and wonder why they are de- 
37 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


prived of them, fail to realize that diver- 
sion of any sort worthy the name, is a 
thing for which one must make some ef- 
fort. 

It is at home that one should cultivate 
the graces that make one attractive 
abroad; and this is only preliminary to 
saying that planning for the every-day 
recreation of a household should be as 
much a matter of course as devising ways 
and means for the purchase of food and 
clothing. 

The first requisite for bringing about 
an atmosphere of festivity and good cheer 
at home is to adopt in some degree the 
methods that one uses away from home. 
If one is invited out to dinner, one makes 
some preparation for it, and so one should 
do for dinner at home. Externals have 
much to do with coaxing gaiety to live as 
a guest in the house. A pretty table and 
food managed with some regard to es- 
38 


AFTER SIX O’CLOCK 


thetic values as well as to the palatable 
quality, have a happy effect upon the 
mind and temper of the diners. A few 
flowers properly distributed assist still 
further. If all the inmates of a house are 
in the habit, as they should be, of making 
some change in their toilet for dinner, this 
of itself makes a sharp line of demarca- 
tion between the work-time and the play- 
time of the twenty-four hours. The hint 
of festivity in attire induces a happy and 
a festive frame of mind, imparts just that 
touch of difference from the habit of pro- 
saic daylight necessary to send the mind 
sailing off into pleasant channels. 

The care for the dinner-table, for the 
personal appearance and, generally speak- 
ing, for pretty environment implies ef- 
fort. Lazy people can not hope for these 
delightful effects of a material kind. 
Neither can they expect the happiness 
which comes to those who make some ef- 


39 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

fort at home for the mental entertainment 
of themselves and their household. There 
are many people who regard it as deceit- 
ful and insincere to forecast what one shall 
talk about and it is quite true that for- 
mally planned talk is a foe to spontaneity 
and naturalness. But usually the man or 
woman who entertains by his conversation 
is the person who, in a general way, has 
taken some thought about what he shall 
say. Given the opportunity, conversation, 
charming in its spontaneity, rises out of 
the mental habit of noting down for fu- 
ture reference pleasant or odd personal ex- 
periences, good stories, the quirks in one’s 
own mind. One must not intrude these in 
a place where they do not fit, but it is not 
in the least a social sin to guide the talk 
toward your own thought provided you 
do not thereby push out something better. 
We are all given tongues and with them a 
certain conversational responsibility. If 
40 


AFTER SIX O’CLOCK 


each member of the family made it his 
business and his pleasure during the day 
to remember the best part of his experi- 
ence that he might relate it at the dinner- 
hour, some part of that gloom which de- 
scends upon so many American families 
at the evening meal would be dissipated. 

If one cultivates the prettier touches of 
personal appearance for that part of the 
day after six o’clock, whether at home or 
abroad, one should also cultivate the pleas- 
anter and more agreeable states of mind. 
Business should be put behind one. The 
petty cares of the day should go unmen- 
tioned. The ills of body and mind should 
be, as far as possible, forgotten. Those 
little courtesies and formalities of manner 
that we admire in the practised man or 
woman of society are as decorative at 
home as away and equally creative of a 
festive atmosphere. In one of the maga- 
zines of the last decade there is a homely. 


41 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

effective story of a young girl, just home 
from a house-party and full of its gaiety, 
to whom the idea occurred that the meth- 
ods employed by her hostess might make 
a delightful week in her own large family 
circle. She took the matter in hand, and 
invited her mother to be the guest of honor 
for the seven days. Some entertainment 
was planned for each evening in the week, 
sometimes with visitors and sometimes not. 
The women of the family wore their best 
frocks frequently during the week. The 
prettiest china and the best silver were 
used as freely as if for company. The re- 
sult of it all was that the family voted 
visiting at home a signal success. 

There are many specific ways of pro- 
viding amusement for evenings at home. 
One has space only for the mention of a 
few of these in a short article on the sub- 
ject. Games of various kinds are an 
excellent resource for making the after- 
42 


AFTER SIX O’CLOCK 


dinner time pass pleasantly. They culti- 
vate quickness of decision, sociability, a 
friendly rivalry. Success in games is 
partly a matter of chance hut much more 
of attention and skill. Many people sniff 
at them who are too lazy to make the con- 
quest of their methods. 

Charades, of which English people 
never grow tired, as a means of diversion, 
have their ups and downs in the more 
quickly changing fashions of America. 
They provide one of the easiest and merri- 
est means of entertainment. They may be 
of any degree of simplicity or elaboration, 
and they call forth as much or as little in- 
genuity as is possessed by the actors in 
any given case. They are usually popular 
because almost everybody has latent a lit- 
tle talent for the actor’s art at which he is 
willing to try his luck. Many people who 
are afraid to join in formal theatricals 
find an outlet for this taste in charades; 


43 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


and so informal usually is this kind of 
entertainment that the spectators enjoy 
the acting whether well done or otherwise. 
It is enough to see one’s friends and ac- 
quaintances struggling with a part. If 
well done, one enjoys the success; if not, 
one applauds the absurdity of the concep- 
tion. 

Reading aloud to a congenial home 
party has much to be said in its favor, in 
spite of its present reputation as a stupid 
means of passing an evening. “The world 
may be divided into two classes,” runs an 
old and favorably known joke, “those 
who like reading aloud and those who do 
not. Those who like it are those who do the 
reading; those who dislike it are those who 
do the listening.” The half-truth in this 
witticism must not be accepted for more 
than it is worth. As an occasional means 
of passing an evening, reading aloud is 
diverting and stimulating. The habit of 


44 


AFTER SIX O’CLOCK 


spending one’s evenings in that way is not 
an encouragement to variety and liveliness 
of mind. One gets into the way of de- 
pending upon the author in hand for en- 
tertainment instead of depending upon 
the action of one’s own mind. Small doses 
of reading aloud are good. Continual 
doses are fatal to a proper social ideal. 

The people who make their own houses 
a center of attraction are, generally speak- 
ing, happy people. The house where the 
evening is accepted as a time of diversion 
is the popular house. The atmosphere 
there begets gaiety and naturalness of 
manner. We have all had the experience 
of making evening calls where we were 
compelled to stand in the hall till the gas 
was lit or the electricity turned on in the 
drawing-room, where we must pass a 
dreary fifteen minutes before the mem- 
bers of the family are ready to receive. 
This kind of preliminary puts a damper 


45 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

upon the spirits of host and guests from 
which they do not easily recover. To be 
ready for pleasant evenings, to meet them 
half-way by one’s attitude is a good recipe 
for insuring their arrival. 

A pleasant and informal method of in- 
suring good times in one’s own house is to 
make a feature of the Sunday night sup- 
per. This is not so formal or expensive a 
mode of entertainment as dinner-giving. 
It is a jolly and pleasant method. One 
may have everything in the way of edibles 
prepared for the meal in the morning ex- 
cept perhaps one article to be made on the 
chafing-dish. One may serve this meal 
with or without servants. Often the guests 
enjoy the freedom implied in helping the 
hostess carry off successfully the details 
of serving. The Sunday evening supper 
is one of those festivities that imply some 
elasticity in numbers. This is the sort of 
meal to which the unexpected guest is wel- 
46 


. AFTER SIX O^CLOCK 

come, at which the person who '‘happens 
in” may feel entirely at ease. Where there 
are young people in the house, the Sunday 
night supper is an especially popular in- 
stitution. They appreciate the delights of 
entertaining without the care or the for- 
mality of more elaborate functions. 

The ways of enjoying life away from 
home after six o’clock in the evening, 
readily suggest themselves. There are the 
various functions to which one is invited. 
There is the theater, the most delightful 
of resources, but unfortunately one which 
by reason of its expense is available fre- 
quently only by the rich. Receptions, din- 
ners, card-parties and the theater ail go 
to make this earth a more agreeable place 
to those who have the social instinct. But 
it must never be forgotten that the funda- 
mental place for the cultivation of this 
instinct is at home, which is the practice 
ground for formal and general society. 

47 


V 


“functions” 

In former chapters some of the laws 
governing various social aff airs have been 
touched on, but it may not be amiss to 
repeat some of them under the heading of 
“Functions.” Directions for invitations 
to most of these “occasions,” “affairs,” or 
by whatsoever name they are known, have 
been given in the chapter on “Sending 
and Receiving Invitations.” We will not 
touch on that subject in this. 

One of the most formal of entertain- 
ments, a dinner-party, demands that the 
guest be not more than ten minutes early, 
and not a half -minute behind the time 
mentioned in the invitation. The servant 
at the door directs the women to their 
dressing-room, the men to theirs. In the 

4b 


FUNCTIONS 


dressing-room the women leave their 
wraps, but do not remove their gloves. 
Each woman, accompanied by her escort, 
descends to the drawing-room, greets the 
hosts, and the man who is to take her out 
to dinner is then introduced to her. All 
chat pleasantly until dinner is announced. 
Then the host offers his arm to the femi- 
nine guest of honor, who is to sit on his 
right, and the hostess takes the arm of the 
man who is to sit on her right-hand. The 
host goes first with his partner, followed 
by the other couples, the hostess and her 
escort bringing up the rear. When the 
women are seated, the men sit down, the 
host waiting until all the guests have 
taken their chairs before he takes his. 

There has been much discussion as to 
who shall be served first at a large dinner. 
The latest verdict is, according to some 
authorities, that each dish shall be first 
passed to the hostess, that she may show 
49 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

by helping herself just how any viand 
that may be an innovation is to be served. 
For this reason the custom has its advan- 
tages, especially in the eyes of those un- 
accustomed to large dinners and new 
dishes. Still many people continue to 
prefer the old-fashioned method of pass- 
ing each article first to the guest at the 
right of the host. If there be two ser- 
vants, as at a large dinner, the second ser- 
vant begins his tour about the table by of- 
fering his dish to the guest at the right of 
the hostess. 

Where there are many courses a guest 
may, if he wish, sometimes decline one or 
more of these. He may also show by a 
gesture that he will not take wine, or, if 
his glasses are filled, he may simply lift 
them to his lips, taste the contents, then 
drink no more. As a glass will be filled as 
soon as emptied, the guest may say in a 
low voice, “No more, please!” when he has 


50 


FUNCTIONS 


had enough. None of these refusals 
should be so marked as to attract the at- 
tention of his entertainers. 

It should not be necessary to give par- 
ticular directions as to how one should con- 
duct oneself at a dinner. After the ladies 
have removed their gloves and the dinner- 
roll or slice of bread has been taken from 
the folded napkin and the napkin laid in 
the lap, the dinner conducts itself. The 
chapter headed ‘‘At Table” will answer 
any doubtful questions as to the manner 
of eating at home or abroad. 

After the dinner is ended, the hostess 
gives a slight signal, or makes the move to 
rise. The gentlemen stand while the ladies 
pass out of the room, then sit down again 
for their cigars, coffee and liquors. Cof- 
fee and cordials are served to the ladies in 
the drawing-room, where they are later 
joined by the gentlemen. 

When the time for departure ap- 
51 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

proaches it is the place of the woman who 
goes first to rise, motion to her husband, 
and then as soon as she and he have said 
good night to the host and hostess, they 
bow to the other guests, and retire to the 
dressing-rooms. After this they go di- 
rectly from the house, not entering the 
drawing-room again. 

In saying good night it is perfectly 
proper, extremists to the contrary not- 
withstanding, to thank the entertainers for 
a pleasant evening. Such thanks need not 
be profuse, but may be simply — “Good 
night, and many thanks for a delightful 
evening!” or “It is hard to leave, we have 
had such a pleasant time!” One need 
never be afraid to let one’s hosts know 
that the time spent in their presence has 
passed delightfully. 

The rules that apply to a dinner hold 
good at a luncheon, to which function 
ladies only are usually invited, although 

52 


FUNCTIONS 


when served at twelve o’clock, and called 
“Breakfast,” men are also bidden. 

At a luncheon the women leave their 
coats in the dressing-room, wearing their 
hats and gloves to the table. The gloves 
are drawn off as soon as all are seated. 

At an evening reception, the guests as- 
cend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, 
or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant 
be there to take them. When one comes in 
a carriage with only an opera wrap over 
a reception gown, it is hardly worth while 
to mount the stairs. But this must be de- 
cided by the arrangements made by the 
entertainers. Before one enters the draw- 
ing-room one deposits one’s cards on the 
salver on the hall table. If there be a 
servant announcing guests the new ar- 
rival gives his name clearly and distinctly 
to this functionary, who repeats it in such 
a tone that those receiving may hear it. 
The guest enters the parlors at this mo- 
53 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and 
after greeting her, speaks with each per- 
son receiving with her. He then passes 
on and mingles with the rest of the com- 
pany. 

An afternoon reception is conducted in 
the same manner, the only difference be- 
ing that, at an evening function refresh- 
ments are more elaborate than at an after- 
noon affair, and the guests frequently 
repair to the dining-room, if this be large. 
At some day receptions, this is also done, 
but at a tea refreshments are usually 
passed in the drawing-rooms. 

The “coming-out” party or reception, 
at which the debutante makes her entrance 
on the world of society, is conducted as 
is any other reception, but the debutante 
stands by her mother and receives with 
her. Each guest speaks some pleasant 
word of congratulation on shaking hands 
with the girl. Her dress should be exqui- 
54 < 


FUNCTIONS 


site, and she should carry flowers. These 
flowers are usually sent to her. When 
more are received than she can carry, they 
are placed about the room. If the com- 
ing-out party be in the evening, it is 
often followed by a dance for the young 
people. 

In sending out invitations for such an 
affair, the daughter’s card is inclosed with 
that of the mother. 

One may leave such a function as has 
just been described as soon as one likes, 
and may take refreshments or not as one 
wishes. Just before departing the guest 
says good night to his hosts, then leaves. 

The hour at which one goes to a recep- 
tion may be at any time between the hours 
named on the cards issued. One should 
never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, 
on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. 
If the cards read “from half -after eight 
to eleven o’clock,” any time after nine 
55 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

o’clock will be proper and one will then be 
pretty sure not to be the first arrival of 
the company. 

A card-party is a function at which one 
should arrive with reasonable promptness. 
If the invitations call for eight-thirty, one 
must try not to be more than fifteen or 
twenty minutes late, as the starting of the 
game will be thus delayed and the hostess 
inconvenienced. After the game is ended, 
refreshments are served, and as soon after 
that as one pleases one may take one’s de- 
parture. 

The same rule of promptness applies to 
a musicale. After greeting the hostess, 
guests take the seats assigned to them, and 
chat with those persons near them until 
the musical performance begins. During 
the music not a word should be spoken. If 
one has no love for music, let consideration 
for others cause one to be silent. If this 
is impossible, it is less unkind to send a 
56 


FUNCTIONS 


regret than to attend and by so doing mar 
others’ enjoyment of a musical feast. 

At a ball or large dance, one may arrive 
when one wishes. The ladies are shown to 
the dressing-room, then meet their escorts 
at the head of the stairs and descend to the 
drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the 
host and hostess greet one, after which one 
mingles with the company. 

At a formal dance, programs or orders 
of dance are provided, each man and each 
woman receiving one as he or she leaves 
the dressing-room or enters the drawing- 
room. Upon this card a woman has in- 
scribed the names of the various men who 
ask for dances. As each man approaches 
her with the request that he be given a 
dance, she hands him her card and he 
writes his name on it, then writes her name 
on the corresponding blank on his own 
card. As he returns her program to her 
the man should say “Thank you!” The 
57 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

woman may bow slightly and smile or re- 
peat the same words. 

No woman versed in the ways of polite 
society will give a dance promised to one 
man to another, unless the first man be so 
crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect 
to come for it. Should a man be guilty of 
this rudeness he can only humbly apolo- 
gize and explain his mistake, begging to 
be taken again into favor. If he he sin- 
cere the woman must, by the laws of good 
breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but 
she need not give him the next dance he 
asks for unless she believes him to be ex- 
cusable. 

The hostess at a dance must deny her- 
self all dancing, unless her guests are 
provided with partners — or, at least, she 
should not dance during the first part of 
the evening if other women are unsup- 
plied with partners. At a large ball the 
hostess frequently has a floor committee 
58 


FUNCTIONS 


of her men friends to see that sets are 
formed and that partners are provided 
for comparative strangers. No hirelings 
will do this so skilfully or with so much 
tact as will the personal friends of the en- 
tertainers. 

A young girl may, after a dance, ask to 
be taken to her chaperon, or to some other 
friend. She should, soon after the dance 
given to one man, dismiss him pleasantly, 
that he may ascertain the whereabouts of 
his next partner before the beginning of 
the next dance. 

The etiquette governing weddings and 
wedding-receptions will be explained in 
the chapters on “Weddings.” 

In our foremothers’ day the publicity 
of the declared engagement was a thing 
unknown. Now, the behavior of the af- 
fianced pair and what is due to them from 
society deserve a page of their own. 

Perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are 
59 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

the newly-married, but the engaged 
couple presses them hard in this line. To 
behave well under the trying conditions 
attendant upon a recently-announced en- 
gagement demands tact and unselfishness. 
It should not be necessary to remind any 
well-bred girl or man that public exhibi- 
tions of affection are vulgar, or that self- 
absorption, or absorption in each other, is 
in wretched taste. The girl should act to- 
ward her betrothed in company as if he 
were her brother or any intimate man- 
friend, avoiding all low-voiced or seem- 
ingly confidential conversation. The man, 
while attentive to every want and wish of 
the woman he loves, must still mingle with 
others and talk with them, forcing him- 
self, if necessary, to recollect that there 
are other women in the world besides the 
one of his choice. The fact that romantic 
young people and critical older ones are 
watching the behavior of the newly-en- 
60 


FUNCTIONS 


gaged pair and commenting mentally 
thereon, is naturally a source of embar- 
rassment to those most nearly concerned 
in the matter. But let each remember that 
people are becoming engaged each hour, 
that no strange outward transformation 
has come over them, and that all evidences 
of the marvelous change which each may 
feel has transformed life for him or her 
may be shown when they are in private. 
If they love each other, their happiness is 
too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for 
public view. 

It is customary, when an engagement is 
announced, for the friends of the happy 
girl to send her flowers, or some dainty be- 
trothal gift. She must acknowledge each 
of these by a note of thanks and apprecia- 
tion. 

It is not good form for a girl to an- 
nounce her own engagement, except to her 
own family and dear friends. A friend 
61 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

of the family may do this, either at a 
luncheon or party given for this purpose, 
or by mentioning it to the persons who will 
be interested in the pleasant news. When 
a girl is congratulated, she should smile 
frankly and say “Thank you!” She 
should drill herself not to appear uncom- 
fortably embarrassed. The same rule ap- 
plies to the happy man. 

The conventional diamond solitaire ring 
is not worn until the engagement is an- 
nounced. 

The happily married as a rule consider 
the Great Event of their lives of sufficient 
interest to the world-at-large to be com- 
memorated by yearly festivities. 

Cards for wedding anniversaries bear 
the names of the married pair, the hours 
of the reception to be given and the two 
dates, thus: 

June 15, 1880 June 15, 1905. 


62 


FUNCTIONS 


If the anniversary be the Silver Wed- 
ding the script may be in silver; if a 
Golden Wedding, in gilt. Wooden Wed- 
ding invitations, engraved, or written on 
paper in close imitation of birch bark, are 
pretty. At one such alfair all decorations 
were of shavings, and the refreshments 
were served on wooden plates. At a tin 
wedding, tin-ware was used extensively, 
even the punch being taken from small 
tin cups and dippers. 

The reception is usually held in the 
evening, and husband and wife receive to- 
gether, and, if refreshments are served at 
tables, they sit side by side. It is proper 
to send an anniversary present suitable to 
the occasion. Such a gift is accompanied 
by a card bearing the name of the sender, 
and the word “Congratulations.” It is 
customary to send such a gift only a day 
or two before the celebration of the anni- 


versary. 


6S 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

An anniversary reception is just like a 
reception given at any other time, and 
rules for conducting such an one apply to 
this affair. 

In close sequence to weddings and wed- 
ding anniversaries we give a few general 
directions for the conduct of christening- 
parties. 

As the small infant is supposed to be 
asleep early in the evening, it is well, when 
possible, to have the christening ceremony 
in the morning or afternoon. As it is not 
always convenient for the business men 
of the family to get off in the day-time on 
week days, Sunday afternoon is often 
chosen for such an affair. Whether the 
celebration be in the daytime, or at night, 
the modus operandi is about the same. 

Every prayer-book contains a descrip- 
tion of the duties of godfathers and god- 
mothers, if one belongs to a church having 
such. If not, the father holds the child, 
64 


FUNCTIONS 


and the father and mother take upon them 
the vows of the church to which they be- 
long. The baby, clothed in flowing robes, 
is a passive participant in the ceremony. 
After the religious service the little one 
is passed about among the guests, and is 
then taken by the nurse to the upper 
regions, while those assembled in his honor 
regale the inner man with refreshments 
provided for the occasion. 

The godfather and godmother make 
a gift to the child — usually some piece of 
silver or jewelry. This is displayed on a 
table in the drawing-room with any other 
presents that the invited guests may bring 
or send. It is the proper thing for the 
guests to congratulate the parents on the 
acquisition to the family and to wish the 
child health and happiness. 

Handsome calling gowns are en regie 
at a christening, unless it be an unusually 
elaborate evening affair. 

Q5 


VI 


THE HOME WEDDING 

To a home wedding, invitations may be 
issued two weeks in advance. Their style 
depends upon how formal the function 
is to be. If a quiet family affair, the 
notes of invitation may be written in the 
first person by the bride’s mother, as : 

“My Dear Mary: 

Helen and Mr. Jones are to be married 
on Wednesday, October the thirteenth, at 
four o’clock. The marriage will be very 
quiet, with none but the family and most 
intimate friends present. We hope that 
you will be of that number. Helen sends 
her love and begs that you will come to see 
her married. 

Faithfully yours, 

Joanna Smith.” 

This kind of note is, of course, only 
permissible for the most informal affairs. 

66 


THE HOME WEDDING 


Fof the usual home marriage, cards, 
which read as follows, may be issued: 

“Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request 
the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Blank’s 
company at the marriage of their 
daughter on the afternoon of Wednesday, 
the thirteenth of October, at four o’clock, 
at One hundred and forty-foirr Madison 
Square, Boston.” 

Or the invitations may read: 

“Mr. and Mrs. Nelson Brown request 
the pleasure of your company at the mar- 
riage of their daughter, Helen Adams, to 
Mr. Charles Sprague, on Tuesday after- 
noon, October the thirteenth, at four 
o’clock.” 

“R. s. V. p.” may be added if desired. 

(Rules regulating the answers to wed- 
ding invitations will be found in the chap- 
ter on “Invitations,” those with regard to 
wedding gifts, in the chapter — “Making 
and Receiving Gifts.”) 

At a home wedding, the bride often has 
67 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

but one girl attendant, and that one is the 
maid of honor. The bride tells her what 
kind of dress she wishes her to wear, and 
the groom provides her bouquet for her. 
He also sends the bride her bouquet. 

Right here it may be well to state that, 
for a wedding, the expenses of the groom 
are the flowers for the bride and her maid 
of honor or bridesmaids, the carriage in 
which he takes his bride to the train, the 
carriages for best man and ushers, and the 
clergyman’s fee. Besides this, he usually 
provides his ushers and best man with a 
scarf-pin. In some cases he gives these 
attendants also their gloves and ties; 
sometimes he does not. The bride’s 
family pays all other expenses, including 
the decorating of the house, the invitations 
and announcement cards and the caterer. 
If guests from a distance are to be met at 
the train by carriages, the bride’s father 
pays for these. 


68 


THE HOME WEDDING 


We will suppose that at the house wed- 
ding with which we have to do the only at- 
tendants are the best man, two ushers and 
the maid of honor, and that the ceremony 
is at high noon, or twelve o’clock. 

The matter of lights at this function is 
largely a question of taste. If the day be 
brilliantly clear, it seems a pity to shut the 
glorious sunshine from the house. There- 
fore many brides decline to have the cur- 
tains drawn at the noon hour, thus shut- 
ting out the sun’s rays. Many persons 
prefer the light from shaded lamps and 
candles, as being more becoming than the 
glare of day. 

The wedding-breakfast is provided by a 
caterer always when such a thing is pos- 
sible. It may consist of iced or jellied 
bouillon, lobster cutlets, chicken pates, a 
salad, with cakes, ices and coffee. This 
menu can be added to or elaborated, as in- 
clination may dictate. Sweetbread pMes 
69 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

may take the place of the chicken pates. A 
frozen punch may take the place of the 
ordinary ices, and, if one wish, a game 
course be introduced. A heavy breakfast 
is, however, a tedious and unnecessary af- 
fair. 

The bride’s dress, if she be a young girl, 
must be white, with a veil. A train is ad- 
visable, as it adds elegance and dignity 
to the costume. The waist is made with a 
high neck and long sleeves, and white 
gloves are worn. The veil is turned back 
from the face and reaches to the bottom 
of the train where it is held in place by 
several pearl-headed pins. A single fold 
of tulle hangs over the face, being sep- 
arate from the main veil. This is thrown 
back after the ceremony. 

The groom wears a black frock coat, 
gray trousers, white waistcoat, white tie, 
light gray or pearl gloves, and patent 
leather shoes. His ushers dress in much 
70 


THE HOME WEDDING 

the same fashion, although white waist- 
coats are not essential in their case. 

The maid of honor wears a gown of 
white or very light color, with a slight 
train, and a picture hat, or not, as she 
wishes. When becoming, an entire cos- 
tume of pale pink, with a large hat 
trimmed with long plumes of the same 
shade, is very striking. The bouquet car- 
ried by the bridesmaid will harmonize with 
the color of her gown. Of course, the 
bride’s bouquet will be white, and is usu- 
ally composed of her favorite blossoms. 

The old fashion of ripping the third 
finger of the bride’s left-hand glove, so 
that this finger might be slipped off for 
the adjusting of the ring, is no longer in 
vogue. Instead of this the left-hand glove 
is removed entirely at that part of the 
ceremony when the ring is placed on the 
bride’s finger by the groom. 

At a house wedding the guests assem- 
71 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ble near the hour named, leave their wraps 
in the dressing-rooms, then wait in the 
drawing-room for the wedding. The 
whole parlor-floor is decorated with natu- 
ral flowers, garlands of these being 
twisted about the balustrades, and making 
a bower of the room in which the marriage 
is to take place. If one can afford to do 
so, it is best to leave the matter of floral 
decorations to an experienced florist, but 
if one can not afford this luxury, friends 
may decorate the rooms. A screen of 
green, dotted with flowers, may stand at 
the end of the room in which the marriage 
is to be solemnized, and an arch of flowers 
is thrown over this. Within this arch the 
clergyman, the groom, and the best man 
may await the arrival of the wedding 
guests, as the wedding march begins. 

The portieres shutting off the drawing- 
room from the hall are closed when the 
time arrives for the bridal party to de- 
72 


THE HOME WEDDING 


scend the stairs, and as they reach the hall 
the strains of the wedding march soimd. 

One word as to the orchestra. This 
should be stationed at such a distance from 
the clergyman and bridal party that its 
strains will not drown the words of the 
service. Since Fashion decrees that music 
should be played during the service, it 
should be so soft and low that it accentu- 
ates, rather than muffles the voices of the 
participants in the ceremony. Loud 
strains detract from the impressiveness of 
the occasion, and cause a feeling of irri- 
tation to the persons who would not 
miss a single word of the solemn serv- 
ice. 

Through the door at the opposite end 
of the room from that in which the groom 
stands, enters the wedding procession. 
The two ushers come first, having a mO'- 
ment or two before marked off the aisle, 
by stretching two lengths of white satin 
73 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ribbon from end to end of the room. Fol- 
lowing the ushers walks the bridesmaid 
alone, and, after her, on the arm of her 
father, comes the bride. At the impro- 
vised altar, or at the cushions upon which 
the bridal couple are to kneel, the ushers 
separate, one going to each side. The 
maid of honor moves to the left of the 
bride, and the father lays the bride’s hand 
in the hand of the groom, then stands a 
little in the rear until he gives her away, 
after which point in the ceremony he steps 
back among the guests, or at one side, 
apart from the bridal group. The best 
man stands on the groom’s left. It is he 
who gives the ring to the clergyman, who 
hands it to the groom, who places it on the 
finger of the bride. 

When the ring is to be put on, the bride 
hands her bouquet to the maid of honor, 
and draws off her left-hand glove, giving 
that also to the maid of honor, who holds 
74 


THE HOME WEDDING 


both until after the benediction. After 
congratulating the newly-wedded pair, 
the clergyman gives them his place, and 
they stand, facing the company, to receive 
congratulations. The bride’s mother 
should have been in the parlor to receive 
the guests as they arrived, and during the 
ceremony stands at the end of the room 
near the bridal party. She should be the 
first to congratulate the happy couple, the 
groom’s parents following those of the 
bride. The maid of honor stands by the 
bride while she receives. 

After congratulations have been ex- 
tended, the wedding-breakfast is served 
at little tables placed about the various 
rooms. The bride and her party may, if 
desired, have a table to themselves, and 
upon this may be a wedding-cake, to be 
cut by the bride. This is not essential and 
has, of late years, been largely superseded 
by the squares of wedding-cake, packed in 
75 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

dainty boxes, one of which is handed to 
each guest on leaving. 

When the time comes for the bride to 
change her dress she slips quietly from the 
room, accompanied by her maid of honor. 
The groom goes to an apartment assigned 
to him and his best man to put on his trav- 
eling suit. Later, the maid of honor may 
come down and tell the bride’s mother in 
an “aside” that she may now go up and 
bid her daughter good-by in the privacy 
of her own room. Afterward the young 
husband and wife descend the stairs to- 
gether, say good-by in general to the 
friends awaiting them in the lower hall, 
and drive off, generally, one regrets to 
say, amid showers of rice. 

I would say just here that the playing 
of practical jokes on a bridal pair is a 
form of pleasantry that should be con- 
fined to classes whose intellects have not 
been cultivated above the appreciation 
76 


THE HOME WEDDING 

of such coarse fun. To tie a white 
satin bow on the tiiink of the so-called 
happy pair so that all passengers may take 
note of them, is hardly kind. But this is 
refined jesting compared to some of tiie 
deeds done. A few weeks ago the papers 
gave an account of a groomsman who 
slipped handcuffs upon the wrists of bride 
and groom, then lost the key, and the em- 
barrassed couple had to wait for their 
train, chained together, until a file could 
be procured, by which time their train had 
left. Such forms of buffoonery may be 
diverting to the perpetrator; they cer- 
tainly are not amusing to the sufferers. 


77 


VII 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 

There is about a church wedding a for- 
mality that is dispensed with at a home 
ceremony. The cards of invitation may 
be engraved in the same form as those de- 
scribed in the last chapter, but the church 
at which the marriage is to take place is 
mentioned instead of the residence of the 
bride’s parents. If in a large city where 
curiosity seekers are likely to crowd into 
the edifice, it is customary to inclose with 
the card of invitation a small card to be 
presented at the door. Only bearers of 
these bits of pasteboard are admitted. 
With the invitations may be cards for the 
reception or the wedding-breakfast to fol- 
low the ceremony. These cards demand 
acceptances or regrets. 

78 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 


The matter of wedding gifts will be 
dealt with in the chapter on gifts in gen- 
eral. 

The decorations for a church wedding 
are elaborate. As a rule, one color-scheme 
is chosen, and carried out through all the 
arrangements. For example, the coloring 
is pink and white, and if the wedding is in 
the autumn, chrysanthemums can be the 
chosen flowers, if in the summer, roses. 
The matter of decorations is usually put 
into the hands of a florist. 

White satin ribbon is stretched across 
the pews to be occupied by the members of 
the two families and to these pews the 
destined occupants are conducted by the 
ushers a short time before the bridal party 
enters the edifice. 

At a large and elaborate wedding six 
or eight ushers are often needed. Besides 
these there is an equal number of brides- 
maids, a maid of honor and a best maiv 
79 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

The best man, the groom, and the clergy- 
man enter the church by the vestry door, 
and await at the altar the coming of the 
bride and her attendants. The organ, 
which has been playing for some moments, 
announces the arrival of the wedding 
party by the opening strains of the wed- 
ding march. 

When the carriages containing the 
party arrive at the church door the ushers 
go down the canopy-covered walk and 
help the girls to alight, convey them into 
the vestibule, and close the outer doors of 
the church while the procession forms. 
Then the inside doors are thrown open and 
as the organ peals forth the wedding 
march, the procession passes up the aisle 
with the painfully slow walk that Fashion 
decrees as the proper gait for fimerals 
and weddings. First, come the ushers, two 
by two, next, the bridesmaids in pairs, then 
the maid of honor, walking alone, and 
80 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 

the bride on the arm of her father, or other 
masculine relative if her father is not liv- 
ing. As the altar is reached the ushers 
divide, half the number going to the right, 
the other half to the left, then the brides- 
maids do the same, passing in front of the 
ushers and forming a portion of a circle 
nearer the altar. The maid of honor stands 
near the bride, on her left hand, and the 
best man stands near the groom’s right. 
The groom, stepping forward to meet the 
bride, takes her hand and leads her to their 
place in front of the clergyman, the father 
remaining standing a little in the rear of 
the bride and to one side until that portion 
of the seiwice is reached when the clergy- 
man asks, “Who giveth this woman to be 
married to this man?” He then takes his 
daughter’s hand, and, laying it in the hand 
of the groom, replies, “I do.” After 
this he steps quietly down from the 
chancel and takes his place in the pew with 
81 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 
his wife, or the other members of the fam- 

iiy- 

The maid of honor, standing near the 
bride, holds her bouquet and takes her 
glove when the ring is put on, and con- 
tinues to hold them until after the bene- 
diction, which the bridal pair kneels to re- 
ceive. Then the organ again sounds the 
wedding march, and the guests remain 
standing as the party assembled at the 
altar moves down the aisle. First, comes 
the bride on her husband’s arm, then the 
best man and the maid of honor together, 
then the ushers and the bridesmaids, each 
girl on the arm of an usher. After that 
the family of the bride and groom leaves. 
The bridal party is driven directly to the 
home of the bride’s parents where the wed- 
ding-breakfast is served or, if a reception 
follows the wedding, where the bride 
awaits the arrival of her guests. 

The dress for the bride married in day- 
82 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 


light is the same as for an evening wed- 
ding, the trained white gown with lace or 
tulle veil being the conventional garb for 
a wedding at all times and places. The 
same is true of the costumes of the brides- 
maids and maid of honor. These are se- 
lected by the bride. At one pink-and- 
white wedding the bridesmaids wore pink 
dresses with pink picture hats, while the 
maid of honor wore a gown of palest 
green with hat to match, — ^hers being the 
only touch of any color but pink in the as- 
sembly, and serving to accentuate the gen- 
eral rose-like scheme. The bridesmaids’ 
bouquets are of flowers to harmonize with 
their costumes. The bride’s bouquet is al- 
ways white, bride roses being favorites for 
this purpose. 

At a day wedding the groom wears a 
frock coat, light gray trousers, white 
waistcoat, white satin or silk tie, and pat- 
ent leather shoes. Of course, the only hat 

83 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

permissible with a frock coat is a high silK 
one. The gloves are white, or pale gray. 
The ushers’ dress is the same except that 
their ties need not be white. 

At an evening wedding full dress is, of 
course, necessary. Then the groom wears 
his dress suit, white waistcoat, white lawn 
tie and white gloves. The ushers are 
dressed in the same manner. 

It is customary for the bride to give her 
bridesmaids some little gift. This may be 
a stick-pin or brooch bearing the inter- 
twined initials of the bridal pair, and this 
pin is usually worn by the recipient at the 
wedding. 

The bride and groom with the brides- 
maids stand together at the end of the 
drawing-room to receive the guests. An 
usher meets each guest at his, or her ar- 
rival, and, offering his arm, escorts the 
new-comer to the bridal pair, asking for 
the name as he does so. I'his name he re- 


84 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 


peats distinctly on reaching the bride 
who extends her hand in greeting, and re- 
ceives congratulations. The groom is then 
congratulated, and the guest straightway 
makes room for the next comer. 

One is often asked what should be said 
to the newly-married pair, — ^what form 
congratulations should take, and so on. 
Stilted phrases are at all times to be 
avoided, and the greeting should be as 
simple and straightforward as possible. 
It is good form to wish the bride happi- 
ness, while the groom is congratulated. 
Thus one says to the bride, ‘T hope you 
will be very happy, — and I am sure you 
will.” And to the groom one may say, — 
“You do not need to be told how much 
you are to be congratulated, for you know 
it already. Still I do want to say that I 
congratulate you from my heart.” 

A pretty custom followed by some 
brides is that of turning, when half-way 

85 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

up the stairs, after the reception or break- 
fast is over, untying the ribbon fastening 
the bouquet together, and scattering the 
flowers thus released among the men wait- 
ing in the hall below. This disposes of the 
wedding bouquet which one seldom has 
the heart to throw away, and yet which one 
can not keep satisfactorily. 

If gifts are displayed at a reception, it 
should be in an upper room, and all cards 
should he removed. The bride may keep 
a list of her presents and of the donors, 
but to display cards gives an opportunity 
for invidious comparisons. 

The tables for the wedding-breakfast 
may be placed about the drawing-rooms, 
and the guests are seated informally at 
them. The only exception to this rule is 
the bride’s table at which the bridal party 
sits. As artificial lights are usually used 
at elaborate fimctions, even at high noon, 
pretty candelabra are upon each table. 

86 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 


Or, if preferred, fairy lamps may take 
the place of the candelabra. 

The menu for the wedding-breakfast 
may consist of grape-fruit with Maras- 
chino cherries, or of oyster cocktails, or of 
clams on the half-shell, as a first course; 
next, hot clam bouillon (unless clams 
have already been served) or chicken 
bouillon; fish in some form, as fish cro- 
quettes with oyster-crab sauce ; sweetbread 
pates with green pease ; broiled chicken or 
French chops with potato croquettes or 
with Parisian potatoes; punch frappe; 
game with salad; ices, cakes, coffee. If 
wines are used, champagne is served with 
the breakfast. 

The breakfast over, the bride slips away 
quietly, to change her dress for the wed- 
ding journey, and departs as after a home 
wedding. 

The guests at a wedding-breakfast 
must call on the mother of the bride 
87 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


within three weeks after the marriage^ 
They will, of course, call on the bride 
on one of her “At Home” days, the dates 
of which are given with the wedding in- 
vitations or with the announcement cards. 

Announcement cards are issued imme- 
diately after the wedding, so must be 
addressed and stamped ready to be mailed 
several days before the ceremony. The 
text usually used is this : 

“Mr. and Mrs. William Edwin Bum- 
ham announce the marriage of their 
daughter, Eleanor Fair, to Mr. John 
Langdon Morse, on Tuesday, the eighth 
of December, one thousand nine hundred 
and five, at St. Michael’s Church, Daven- 
port, Iowa.” 

Another form that is sometimes used is 
the following: 

“Married, Wednesday, October elev- 
enth, 1903; Florence Archer and John 
Staunton, 1019 Penn Street, Philadel- 
phia.” 


88 


THE CHURCH WEDDING 


This last form is seldom used except in 
cases where the bride is so unfortunate as 
to have no relatives in whose names she 
may announce her marriage. 

With the announcement cards may be 
inclosed another card bearing the dates 
of the bride’s “At Home” days, and the 
hours at which she will receive. Announce- 
ment cards are usually issued after a small 
or private wedding to which only a limited 
number of guests have been invited. If 
the wedding has been large or was fol- 
lowed by a large reception to which all 
one’s calling acquaintances may be bid- 
den, the announcement cards are unneces- 
sary and the “At Home” cards are issued 
with the invitations to the marriage, or are 
sent out after the bride returns from her 
trip. 


89 


VIII 


THE DINNER PARTY 

The dinner is the most important and 
the most delightful social function on the 
list and, as such, it deserves a more ex- 
tended treatment than that given it in the 
chapter on Functions. The dinner is the 
most civilized of entertainments, and to 
say of a town that it is a dinner-giving 
town means that it has arrived socially. 
This flower of hospitality blooms slowly. 
In many western places where the recep- 
tion, the afternoon tea, the theater-party 
and the ladies’ luncheon flourish like a 
green bay tree, the dinner is an unknown 
function. A young hostess is often afraid 
of attempting it, as is also the unaccus- 
tomed diner-out. Yet it is not a formida- 
ble entertainment rightly considered, and 
90 


THE DINNER PARTY 

when happily managed the return it 
brings far outweighs the outlay of time 
and trouble. 

The dinner, height of hospitality as it 
is, is yet within the reach of most of us so 
far as expenditure is concerned. The cost 
of a dinner may be much or little. The 
menu may be simple or elaborate. Five 
courses is enough for a dainty, satisfying 
meal, yet eighteen and twenty are some- 
times served. The table decorations may 
be of the most expensive sort ; yet a half- 
dozen roses and candles in keeping are 
sufficient to give a properly festive touch. 

The number of servants required de- 
pends of course upon the elaborateness or 
simplicity of the menu and upon the num- 
ber of guests to be served. The size of the 
dinner party is elastic, though eighteen at 
the table is usually regarded as the maxi- 
mum. Upon a dinner of six or eight, 
served without wine, one properly trained 
91 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

maid can easily wait. For very elaborate 
functions the rule is one waiter for every 
three persons. 

The little dinner party has the advan- 
tage of being a more attractive function 
than the big one, as well as one in which 
people of small incomes may safely in- 
dulge. When a dinner is so large that 
general conversation is impossible, it de- 
feats its own purpose. Eight guests is a 
good number. Why it should be that ten 
guests are still so few as to form a little 
dinner party and that twelve guests un- 
doubtedly make a big dinner party is one 
of those inscrutable truths that it takes 
something more than arithmetic to ex- 
plain. But so it is. If the guests are prop- 
erly chosen for a small dinner there should 
be in the atmosphere a combination of 
pretty formality and agreeable familiar- 
ity about this function that no other can 
give in so large a degree. 

92 


THE DINNER PARTY 


The choice of guests is, of course, the 
first and most important consideration. 
Upon this more than upon any other con- 
sideration depends the success of your 
party. It does not do to invite people to- 
gether for commercial reasons simply or 
from any other purely selfish motive. It 
does not do to go through one’s list and in- 
vite people, by instalments, straight 
through the alphabet. The hostess must 
exercise all the tact and discrimination of 
which she is possessed. It is not always 
necessary that the people chosen should be 
friends and acquaintances but it is neces- 
sary that they have interests, broadly 
speaking, of the same sort, that they have 
enough in common to make a basis for 
easy, informal talk. If the people chosen 
like one another or have the capacity for 
interesting and diverting one another, the 
hostess should feel that the weightiest 
business is off her hands. 

93 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Dinner invitations should be sent out at 
least a week before the date of the func- 
tion. In places where social life is of a 
strenuous character and people are likely 
to have many engagements ahead, two 
weeks should be allowed. In New York 
and Washington, invitations for formal 
dinners are issued four weeks before the 
event. The invitation to a dinner should 
be answered immediately. As the number 
of guests invited in any case is small, the 
hostess should know as soon as possible the 
intention of those invited, so that, in case 
of a regret, she may fill the place so 
quickly that the person next chosen may 
not realize that he is an alternate. 

When the guests are selected, the invi- 
tations delivered and the proper number 
of acceptances received, the hostess may 
then turn her attention to the other ar- 
rangements. The important matter of de- 
ciding upon the menu is next in order. If 
94 


THE DINNER PARTY 


the hostess has an admirably trained cook 
or is in a position to engage an expert 
cateress, a consultation with one or the 
other settles the affair. In case she has not 
the one and is not financially able to en- 
gage the other, she must depend upon her 
own resources. She must select a menu 
which she and her maid can together carry 
out successfully. 

The composition of a dinner menu is an 
employment that gives scope for talent 
and originality. The range of possible 
dishes is large, the variety in the way of 
combination inexhaustible. To plan a din- 
ner that is at once palatable and pleasing 
to the eye requires no mean ability. To a 
woman who has a genius for culinary 
feats, this sort of accomplishment may be 
an exercise of the artistic faculties; and 
the effect produced upon the partakers of 
the feast goes far beyond mere physical 
satisfaction. If one is in the habit of 
95 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

studying cook-books, which make more in- 
teresting reading than they are generally 
given credit for, the opportunity afforded 
by a dinner party for the display of one’s 
knowledge should be as eagerly welcomed 
as the opportunity offered a violinist for 
the exhibition of his art. 

Sometimes fashion decrees that a square 
or oblong table is the appropriate form. 
Again she approves the round table. At 
the present time the round table has the 
preference and, so far as the present wri- 
ter can see, with reason. The round table 
puts all the diners on an equal footing 
instead of establishing a sometimes em- 
barrassing distinction between guests and 
hosts. Its use makes it possible for each 
guest to have a good view of every other 
guest and this promotes general conversa- 
tion. Added to these merits is another of 
importance, namely, that a round table is 
more susceptible of attractive decoration. 

96 


THE DINNER PARTY 

Many people who employ a square table 
for family use, employ on formal occa- 
sions a round top, capable of seating 
twelve or fourteen people, which top can 
be placed above the table commonly in use. 
This top when not in use folds together 
on hinges in the center. On occasion it can 
be clamped to the table in ordinary so that 
it holds perfectly firm. 

On the morning of the dinner the silver 
and china necessary should be looked over 
and later in the day properly placed. The 
table should be arranged with cloth, the 
napkins, the various knives, forks and 
spoons, the flowers, the candles, and the 
service plates, if such are used. The china 
to be employed for the various courses 
should be placed, before the dinner, in the 
butler’s pantry in a way to promote, as far 
as possible, swift and deft service with 
the maid. She should be instructed ex- 
actly where she can lay her hands on the 
97 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

dishes for each item in the menu so that 
her attendance may be expert and noise- 
less. For her benefit it is well also to make 
out in good legible writing, the menu for 
the meal and hang it in the kitchen in full 
view of her and any other servants em- 
ployed for the occasion. In giving a din- 
ner nothing should be left to chance. 
Every emergency should be taken into 
consideration and planned for. 

The flowers to be used should have some 
relation to the color of the candles if can- 
dles are used. A few flowers skilfully 
arranged are sometimes quite as effective 
as a profusion. A clear glass pitcher 
which shows stems and leaves as well as 
blooms is a good investment for the 
woman whose love of beauty goes further 
than her ability to pay. One of the neatest 
minor inventions for making a few blos- 
soms appear to their best advantage is the 
cross-bar of wire which one finds now in 
98 


THE DINNER PARTY 

the shops, in various sizes and fitted to the 
tops of various ornamental vases. By the 
use of this device each flower stands out in 
individual beauty. The effect of no single 
blossom is lost. 

Much of the success of a dinner depends 
upon the serving. A well-trained maid is 
indispensable, and it is not to be denied 
that the training, for this purpose, of the 
average servant to be found in the west 
is difficult. But with patience it can be 
done. If one is in the habit, as one should 
be, of insisting that the home dinner be 
served with proper formality, the extra 
duties involved in the service of the larger 
number of people and of a greater range 
of dishes need not be viewed with terror. 

On the night of the dinner the guests 
will appear promptly at the hour named, 
and the dinner should be served without 
delay. The meal should be announced by 
the servant in charge opening the door or 
99 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

dcx)rs leading into the dining-room and 
saying, “Dinner is served.” It saves con- 
fusion even at a small dinner to mark the 
places at table by cards inscribed with the 
appropriate name, but this is not obliga- 
tory. 

Given well-prepared food, whether sim- 
ple or elaborate, proper service and guests 
sympathetically chosen, the dinner can not 
fail to be a success. A yoimg married 
belle of a western city who was visiting in 
a smart New York set was asked at her 
first dinner what people in the west did for 
after-dinner entertainment. “They talk,” 
she said. The people present looked at her 
as if they thought that a dull way of 
spending the time, and to a query of hers 
regarding their methods of entertain- 
ment, replied that they usually “had in” 
a professional or professionals of some 
sort for the amusement of the guests after 
the eating and drinking were over. To her 
100 


THE DINNER PARTY 


taste this indicated an unenviable mental 
poverty, as it will to most sensible peo- 
ple. The best flavor of a successful din- 
ner party lies not in the food, however 
grateful that may be to the palate, but in 
the talk. A dinner is the entertainment 
at which sprightly, natural talk counts 
for the most; and this is probably the rea- 
son that the world over the dinner is con- 
sidered the most elegant and distinguished 
form of entertainment. 


101 


IX 


THE EDUCATION OF A YOUNG GIRL 

Is it a good thing to send a young girl 
away to school, and, if so, shall one send 
her to boarding-school or college? are the 
questions that agitate many a household 
where the daughter or daughters are old 
enough to make these questions pertinent. 
Over-conscientious and fearful mothers 
sometimes decide that the risk is too great 
in sending girls away from home. They 
fear, with the loosening of home ties, a 
lessening of a sense of responsibility, 
while at the same time they doubt a girl’s 
power to get on without maternal super- 
vision. The judgment and experience of 
the world is against this point of view. 
“Homekeeping youths have ever home- 
keeping wits,” is no more true of boys 
102 


THE EDUCATION OF A GIRL 


than of girls. Going away to school 
should be one of the richly vitalizing in- 
fluences of life. To a certain extent a girl 
is thrown on her own resources when away 
as she would not be at home, yet the con- 
ditions are such in any school worthy of 
the name, that she is guarded and pro- 
tected. At home, her friendships and ac- 
quaintances have been made largely 
through the connection of her family with 
the community in which she lives. Away, 
she must make her own friends. At home, 
it is probable that mother, older sister 
or a kindly aunt have done her darning 
and other mending. Away, she must do 
these things for herself or they remain 
undone. In many ways the opportunity 
is given her by a year or two away at 
school to prove herself, yet to do so with- 
out danger, as the amateur swordsman 
fences with a button on his foil. Outside 
of these considerations one of the most im- 


103 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

portant is the development that comes 
through delight in change. Novel condi- 
tions have charm for all ages, and in 
youth, much more than in age, they are a 
spur to endeavor. Happiness of a health- 
ful kind stimulates the mind, and it is 
commonly true that the years spent away 
at school are pleasant ones. 

The advocates of the different sorts of 
training represented by boarding-school 
and college life are often hostile to each 
other. There is much to be said in favor 
of both educational methods, and the de- 
cision concerning which shall be adopted 
for a young girl should depend largely 
upon her own temperament, tastes and in- 
clinations. The advocates of college life 
are too apt to assume that the texture of 
boarding-school learning is flimsy, wliich 
it sometimes is. The friends of boarding- 
school life assume that a college training 
means an absence of regard for the femi- 

104 


THE EDUCATION OF A GIRL 


nine graces ; and it is true that some of its 
representatives are not social successes. 
But such comment goes a short way in 
helping one to a decision as to whether 
boarding-school or college shall be the des- 
tination of one’s daughter. 

The character of the girls’ colleges in 
our country is much more generally 
known than that of boarding-schools. The 
colleges are few in number, and to their 
proceedings is given a degree of publicity 
not accorded the proceedings of smaller 
educational enterprises. There are board- 
ing-schools and boarding-schools. Inves- 
tigation can not be too careful before 
placing a girl in one of them. The best 
offer advantages of an admirable kind. 
The courses of study, while not so diverse 
as those of college, are particularly adapt- 
ed to feminine tastes, while the accom- 
plishments which tend to make social life 
more interesting and agreeable are given 
105 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

a large share of attention. History, liter- 
ature, the modern languages, music and 
drawing have perhaps the foremost places 
in the curriculum. Many of these schools 
are in cities where opportunities are given, 
under proper chaperonage, for girls to see 
the best theatrical performances and to 
hear concerts of value. In these schools 
girls come into more intimate relations 
with their teachers than is possible in a 
college, and they are also much more 
strictly chaperoned. Matters of form and 
deportment, details of manner, so far as 
they can be taught, are given thought and 
attention often with happy results. One 
may say that a girl should learn these 
things at home, but sometimes her sur- 
roundings are not favorable and again 
she needs the impetus of just such criti- 
cism as she receives at a good boarding- 
school to make her aware of the value of 
form. The aim of a good boarding-school 
106 


THE EDUCATION OF A GIRL 


is to make of a girl an attractive member 
of society as well as to make her mentally 
appreciative. The stamp of certain ad- 
mirable boarding-schools upon the man- 
ners of the women who have attended 
them is unmistakable. I once heard a man 
say that he could always “spot” a pupil of 
Miss Porter’s famous Farmington School 
within half an hour after introduction, by 
certain delicate formalities in her manner. 

A woman’s college offers a much wider 
sphere for a girl’s energies and abilities 
than does boarding-school. If she loves 
study, is fond of athletics and is interested 
in a large variety of human nature, col- 
lege is the place for her. Here she has a 
chance for the development of her best 
mental powers. Deportment is not one of 
the unwritten branches of the curriculum 
as it is in the girls’ boarding-school. 
Nevertheless it is taught by the social pre- 
eminence of those who bring the best 
107 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

breeding with them. Though the surveil- 
lance is not what it is in boarding-schools, 
it is not so necessary, because the girls are 
somewhat older than those in boarding- 
schools and because the sentiment of the 
students generally is for law and order. 

The best-known girls’ colleges in the 
XJnited States are situated in the country, 
and the opportunity thus given for sport 
and for a healthy appreciation of nature 
is an invaluable asset for those institutions. 
At no time in life is the love of beauty at 
once so delicate and so keen as in those 
years when one is eligible to college life. 
To foster this perhaps latent appreciation 
by a direct contact with the beauties of 
nature is one of the opportunities offered 
by Bryn Mawr, Vassar, Wellesley, Smith 
and other well-known women’s colleges. 

The three or four years in college 
among a hundred or more other girls 
often form one of the happiest and most 
108 


THE EDUCATION OE A GIRL 


fruitful periods of a girl’s life. She 
makes interesting and valuable friend- 
ships. Often her knowledge of the world 
is broadened by visits paid her schoolmates 
in vacation time. The advantages she de- 
rives from properly directed study are 
great; the advantages in other directions 
are possibly even greater. A woman’s col- 
lege is a little world in which every variety 
of femininity may be observed. The life 
there gives opportunity for the develop- 
ment of the most diverse talents. Any sort 
of capability eventually finds scope for ac- 
tion in college life. The serious side and 
the recreative side of life find expres- 
sion there. A girl who lends herself freely 
to the opportunities of a college should 
quit its doors prepared for social and do- 
mestic life and able also to take care of 
herself financially if exigencies require. 

The comparative cost of college and 
boarding-school is often an important 
109 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

point in the matter of deciding a girl’s 
educational destination. The best board- 
ing-schools are more expensive than the 
colleges so far as formal expenditure is 
concerned. A girl’s personal expenses, 
though they are regulated in some board- 
ing-schools, are in college and at most 
boarding-schools what she and the family 
council choose to make them. 

If college and boarding-school exercise 
a beneficial influence upon the develop- 
ment of a girl’s mind and manners, travel 
is a happy third in the list. Unfortunately 
travel is an expensive luxury. If, how- 
ever, the financial circumstances of a girl’s 
parents are such that she may travel for 
six months or a year after her schooling is 
over, this puts the finishing touch upon her 
educational opportunities. Travel is the 
easiest, the quickest and the most delight- 
ful manner of gaining knowledge in the 
world, while, at the same time, it is what 


110 


THE EDUCATION OF A GIRL 


study is not always, an encouragement to 
social facility. 

The young girl must be educated at 
home as well as away from home. The 
foundation for such accomplishments as 
she has a preference for must be laid there 
and she must prepare there, in however 
slight a way, for the responsibilities that 
may rest upon her shoulders when she has 
a house of her own. For her own training, 
as well as the relief of her mother, every 
girl should assume some household duty 
or duties. But these, unless necessity com- 
mands, should not be severe, and occa- 
sional laxity in performance should not 
be dealt with harshly. Young girlhood 
is a growing time and a dreaming time; 
and a too stern insistence upon household 
duties sometimes blights important capa- 
bilities of mind and body. 

It was an old-fashioned idea that every 
girl should be equipped with an accom- 
111 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

plishment, should cultivate some definite 
ability to please. The idea was much 
abused, and resulted in the torture of 
many innocent persons who were com- 
pelled to look at crude sketches, to admire 
grotesque embroideries and to listen to 
mediocre performances on the piano. But 
there was at the bottom of the idea some- 
thing sound and wholesome. It is vitally 
important that women should please, 
should help to make the wheels of life go 
easily. That was not an ignoble epitaph 
discovered on an old tombstone in an Eng- 
lish churchyard, “She was so pleasant.” 
Perhaps in the matter of education we 
are now swinging too far away from the 
old-fashioned ideal and are too much 
inclined to regard as trifling evidences in 
a young girl of some special ability to 
please. Do we not somewhat puritanically 
regard the studies one does not like as 
necessarily more efficacious than those pur- 
112 


THE EDUCATION OF A GIRL 


sued with joy? Drawing, music, the 
modern languages, the art of reciting or 
conversation — we speak of these usually 
not only as secondary in importance to the 
study of Greek, Latin and mathematics, 
but as involving little in the way of labor, 
while the truth is that the pursuit of these 
subjects not only involves endless labor 
but a labor that in the end unveils per- 
sonality and individuality, and makes for 
original interpretation of life to a degree 
far exceeding results from the so-called 
severer branches. 

The theory is generally disseminated 
that those studies which give most pleas- 
ure to one’s self and to others when actu- 
ally transformed into accomplishments 
are easy of attainment and demand only 
the careless and dilettante touch. The 
elders as well as the youth are much im- 
pregnated with this idea. Let a girl un- 
derstand when she begins to study draw- 
113 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ing, the violin, the pianoforte or the art 
of singing that no success is possible 
without hard work, that the privilege of 
lessons will be withdrawn if she does not 
put effort and determination into her 
work, and results of a correspondingly 
good character may be forthcoming. 

For the happiness of themselves and 
their friends, it is well that young girls 
should pursue any accomplishment 
toward which they may have a leaning. 
Certainly such a pursuit, if entered into 
with delicacy and vivacity, must increase 
the sweetness of life by adding to one’s 
sense of beauty; and it is never trite to 
say that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. 

Pursuit of an accomplishment does not 
always mean possession, but where it does, 
even measimably, it means also the power 
of imparting pleasure to one’s friends, 
and pleasure that is touched upon and 
mingled with one’s own individuality. In 
114 


THE EDUCATION OF A GIRL 

a day when wealth counts for so much in 
relation to the bestowal of pleasure, one 
can scarcely overestimate the value of the 
personal touch in the entertainment of 
one’s friends. 


115 


X 


THE DEBUTANTE 

A clever young girl, when asked by an 
acquaintance if she had “come out” yet, 
answered, “I didn’t come out. I just 
leaked out.” Doubtless this states the 
case, in a somewhat slangy manner, for 
a large number of young women who, 
gradually and without any set function to 
serve as introduction, take their places in 
society. Even for them, however, the year 
following the close of school duties marks 
a change in their relation to the social 
world, while the distinction is much em- 
phasized in the case of young girls to 
whom the affairs of balls, receptions, teas, 
and calls are a novelty. The date of a 
girl’s formal entrance into the larger 
world marks her individual recognition in 
116 


THE DEBUTANTE 


that world. Before this time she has been 
a person without social responsibility, not 
accountable in the social sense. She has 
been considered in relation to her family, 
perhaps. Now she stands for herself. She 
is an object of some curiosity to the pub- 
lic, and the pleasures and duties to which 
she falls heir deserve some special men- 
tion. 

The age at which a girl makes her for- 
mal appearance on the scene of society 
varies in ditferent places and with varying 
conditions. It is rarely under eighteen, 
seldom over twenty-two, the first being the 
age at which a girl not desirous of ex- 
tended education escapes, usually, from 
the school-room, the second being the aver- 
age age of graduation for the college girl. 
A girl younger than eighteen is com- 
monly too immature to be considered an 
interesting member of society, and a cer- 
tain degree of absurdity attaches to the 
117 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

idea of introducing to the world a girl 
older than the age last mentioned. 

The special function by which a young 
woman’s family signalizes her entrance to 
society varies little in different places. In 
many cities the custom is for the family of 
the debutante and also for the friends of 
the family to give some entertainment in 
her honor. A dinner, a luncheon, a tea, a 
theater party, — any one of these festivi- 
ties is a proper manner of announcing 
one’s interest in the new member of so- 
ciety and of emphasizing her arrival. 

Everything should be done to facilitate 
for her an extension of acquaintance 
among those whom it is desirable she 
should know. It is said that a number of 
years ago when telephones were a luxury 
instead of being, as now, a necessity, in 
southern cities, the advent of the debu- 
tante in a house meant always the addition 
of a name to the telephone directory. This 
118 


THE DIEBUTANTE 


is a somewhat extravagant and florid com- 
ment on the idea advanced. But it will 
serve as an illustration. Particularly is it 
desirable that the debutante should become 
acquainted with the older members of the 
society in which she moves. She is now 
not only a part of the particular set to 
which her age assigns her; she is also a 
part of that larger society to which many 
ages belong. Her attitude on this ques- 
tion distinguishes her as well-bred or ill- 
bred. There is nothing more crass and 
crude than the young girl who has no eyes 
or ears for anybody out of the particular 
set of young people to which she belongs. 
It is the mark of the plebeian. 

The clothes of the debutante are a mat- 
ter of importance and her wardrobe 
should be carefully planned. It is natural 
that she should wish to look pretty and, as 
youth itself makes for beauty, given good 
health and the usual number of features 
119 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

properly distributed, there is no reason 
why she should not so appear, if some dis- 
cretion be exercised in the selection of her 
clothes. It does not lie within the province 
of this book to stipulate in detail concern- 
ing the outfit necessary for this happy re- 
sult. The purpose of this paragraph is 
to insist on simplicity of style in the 
gowns chosen for a girl’s first year in so- 
ciety. Elaborate styles and heavy ma- 
terials are opposed to the quality of a 
young girl’s beauty. They kill the loveli- 
ness which it is their object to bring 
out. All her clothes should be made with* 
out perceptible elaboration. In ball- 
gowns she should be careful to select 
light, diaphanous materials, — ^materials 
that she can wear at no other time of life 
to such advantage. Of party gowns she 
should have a number. Three or four 
frocks of thin, inexpensive materials are 
far better, if a choice be necessary, than 
120 


THE DEBUTANTE 

one heavy silk or satin. They are more be- 
coming and the number of them guaran- 
tees to their owner perfect freshness and 
daintiness of appearance. A soiled, be- 
draggled ball-gown is a sorry sight on 
anybody. It looks particularly ill on a 
young person whose age entitles her to be 
compared to lilies and roses. 

If the truth be told, despite the gaiety 
and the novelty of a girl’s first year in so- 
ciety, it is not usually so pleasant a year 
as her second. She has much to learn, and 
it is the exceptional girl who does not feel 
a little awkward in her new position. She 
is prone to exaggerate the importance of 
small social blunders, and trifles, light as 
air, occupy a disproportionate place in her 
horizon. A certain timidity, the result of 
her unaccustomed position, is characteris- 
tic of her. This timidity shows itself 
either in a stiffness that modifies consider- 
ably her proper charm, or in an unnatur^ 
121 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

bravado of manner, the reverse of pleas- 
ing. “Why are you so down on debu- 
tantes?” — the writer of this chapter asked 
of an accomplished young society man. 
“Because they think it’s clever to be rude,” 
was the answer. The desire to be very apt, 
to be “on the spot” and “all there,” as the 
slang phrase has it, — this is often at the 
bottom of the apparent rudeness of the 
young girl. She does not care to show her 
newness. As a bride wishes it to seem that 
she has always been married, so a debu- 
tante likes to present the appearance of 
thorough familiarity with the ground up- 
on which she has just arrived. 

Nothing will assist the debutante to 
self-control and a surer footing so much 
as contact with people who are somewhat 
older than herself and who have gained 
a proper perspective. From them she will 
learn to be less self-conscious, and this 
means to be happier and more interesting. 

122 


XI 


THE YOUNG MAN AND THE YOUNG WOMAN 

If not friends from childhood, acquaint- 
ance between young men and young 
women begins with an introduction, and 
this matter of introduction is one rather 
too lightly considered on our free Ameri- 
can soil. Unless the social exigencies are 
such as to make the atmosphere formal 
and unpleasant if people are unknown to 
each other, it is taking a liberty to present 
a young man to a young woman without 
first and privately asking her permission. 
It is a woman’s privilege to decline or to 
accept masculine acquaintance as she 
chooses. If she grants permission for the 
introduction, the person who has asked 
such permission brings the young man in 
question to her and says: “Miss A, may 
123 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

I have the pleasure of presenting Mr. B 
to you?” We have all been witnesses at 
some time or other of that most unconven- 
tional performance where the young 
woman in the case allows herself to be 
dragged across the floor to the man con- 
cerned. We have all, on occasion, heard 
the proper form so twisted as to make the 
young woman the person presented in- 
stead of the young man. This is the worst 
sort of no-form. The social convention 
prescribes that the man shall take the in- 
itiative in requesting the introduction, 
that he shall seek the lady, that he shall be 
the person presented. 

There is some difference of opinion as 
to whether properly a man should ask per- 
mission to call upon a woman or the 
woman should confer the favor of her own 
volition. Sometimes this depends on the 
age of the woman under consideration. 
The invitation to call of a mature woman 


YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN 

of society is the bestowal of a social favor 
in a sense different from the same request 
coming from a young girl, A young girl 
must be very sure indeed that a man would 
feel flattered by her invitation before she 
a^ks him to call. It is usually safe to as- 
sume that, if he does wish the acquaint- 
ance to go further than chance meetings, 
he will find a way to make it known to 
her, thus saving her the embarrassment of 
taking the initiative. 

The time for making calls upon young 
women varies in different parts of the 
country. In the larger cities of the east the 
conventional time is between four and 
seven o’clock in the afternoon. In smaller 
towns of the east and in most southern 
and western places, evening calls are the 
mode. When the acquaintance between 
the young man and the young woman in 
question is slight, a call of half an hour 
is considered a proper length. When the 
125 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


acquaintance has mellowed into friend- 
ship, the length of the call is not pre- 
scribed. A sense of propriety will suggest 
to both parties when it should come to an 
end. 

If a servant is in waiting when the 
caller arrives, this domestic should take 
care of the young man’s hat, coat and 
stick, or should designate where the caller 
may place these things. If the young 
woman herself should chance to open the 
door, she must designate where he is ‘‘to 
rest his wraps,” as the negroes say. She 
must not, on any account, assist him in 
ridding himself of these articles, nor, later, 
when he leaves, aid him in getting them 
together. Nice but socially uninstructed 
girls lay themselves open to severe criti- 
cism through exactly such mistaken ac- 
tions. 

If the call is a first call, the young man 
should be presented to the girl’s mother, 
126 


YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN 


and, if the girl chooses, to other members 
of the family. In succeeding calls, accord- 
ing to conventional usage in America, it is 
merely a happen-so whether members of 
the young woman’s family are present or 
not. 

One can prescribe no rule as to what 
young men and young women should talk 
about. The subjects they may discuss are 
as numerous as the sands of the sea, and 
depend upon taste, temperament and edu- 
cation. 

As to manner, it is well to insist a little, 
in these days of brusque camaraderie be- 
tween the sexes, on the fact that courtesy 
has many charming opportunities of ex- 
hibition in the conversation between men 
and women. There is a kind of defer- 
ence that, with no lack of frankness, 
should be cultivated in the attitude of one 
sex to the other, a quality that makes for 
agreeable friendship to a rare degree. If 
127 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


one selects this rather than other agreeable 
qualities of manner as one to be cultivated 
in the relation of the sexes, it is because 
it is one so often neglected. 

When a young woman and young man 
have grown up in the same place and have 
known each other from childhood, it is 
proper for them to call each other by their 
first names, but with acquaintances of ma- 
turer years, the occasions for the adoption 
of this custom should be rare. Nothing 
is more vulgar for a young woman than 
an easy and promiscuous habit of address- 
ing Tom, Dick and Harry as such. 

A girl should not accept an invitation 
from a young man before he has called 
and has been presented to her mother. 
The invitation once accepted, there are lit- 
tle courtesies which he may pay to her on 
the occasion of the festivity for which he 
has asked to accompany her. These courte- 
sies he should not neglect to offer, and she 
128 


YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN 

should be gracious in accepting. He may 
assist her in putting on her wraps. He 
may put on her overshoes if the weather 
is damp and a maid be lacking for that 
purpose. If an extra wrap is demanded 
he should carry it for her. 

It is tlie duty of a young woman’s es- 
cort to be looking after her pleasure and 
comfort in various ways. If he takes her 
to a dance, he must see, if possible, that her 
card is filled. If it is not filled, he should 
sit out with her the unclaimed dances. If 
he takes her to the theater he should pro- 
cure a program for her and should assist 
her in the removal of her wraps. When- 
ever accidentally or by arrangement, a 
man accompanies a woman he should not 
permit her to carry a package, umbrella or 
wrap, unless the latter be a light summer 
wrap which she may prefer to retain. The 
various opportunities offered men for 
small services, for little gallantries of con- 

129 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

duct, can not be registered in detail. They 
are too many. It is sufficient to say that 
young women should encourage men in 
such amiable habits. Favors of the sort 
indicated are without cost and yet beyond 
price!" If accepted graciously they react 
on manners to the advantage of both sexes. 
They help to make of society the pleasing 
spectacle which we imagine it to be in our 
dreams. 

If a yoimg man takes a young woman 
to a cafe or restaurant for a meal or for 
light refreshments after the theater he is 
the one who should do the ordering. He 
should consult her tastes as to what is to 
be served, but he is the one to write the 
menu and to give directions to the waiter 
in charge. It may be said parenthetically 
in this connection that a man’s ideas as to 
appropriate food are usually more reliable 
than those of a woman. 

Young women who are guests at a box 
130 


YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN 


party should sit in the front seats with the 
men behind them. The writer was witness 
during the current year of a small-town 
box party straggling into a city theater 
where each girl was awkwardly ranged 
alongside of her escort. The clumsy, un- 
sophisticated air of the party, each Jack 
beside his Jill, needs no comment. 

A young girl should not grant a request 
for an interchange of letters with a young 
man without consulting her mother. A 
young woman should remember in writ- 
ing to a young man that written words 
are not like spoken ones and are far more 
capable of misinterpretation. Though 
prudence is not a generous quality, it is 
one to be observed in all letter writing but 
that arising out of the most intimate re- 
lations. 

Tlie subject of letter writing suggests 
the miniature accomplishment of note 
writing. The art of brief, sprightly ex- 
131 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

pression on paper is one that is worth 
striving for. It is capable of yielding 
pleasure in many of the relations of life, 
in none more conspicuously than in the 
relation between young men and young 
women. A military man of some distinc- 
tion was interviewing the lady principal 
of a girls’ school with reference to placing 
his daughter there. “What would you like 
to have her taught?” said the principal. 
“Some history;” he said meditatively, “an 
appreciation of good literature, and the 
art of writing as agreeable a note as her 
mother did before her.” 

A young woman should hesitate to iso- 
late herself from general society by ac- 
cepting too great an amount of attention 
from any one man unless she intends to 
marry him. As long as she is in doubt on 
this head she has, prudery to the contrary, 
a right to accept the usual attentions from 
those men whom she likes. If she is so im- 

132 


YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN 


prudent as to shut herself off from gen- 
eral companionship before she has reached 
a decision as to marriage and then decide 
in the negative, she is likely to suffer for 
her imprudence. By a ludicrous chance 
dependent upon the relation of the sexes, 
the man in the case, if he cares to reenter 
society, regains it much more easily than 
she. He can go about and take up 
dropped threads while she is waiting at 
home for callers who do not arrive. He 
is welcomed back with enthusiasm by the 
girls who thought him lost for ever, while 
her recent avoidance of general society is 
counted against her. 

When a young man finds his affections 
engaged he should formally ask the girl’s 
father for her hand and should state his 
financial condition. This rule of an older 
civilization than ours is much ridiculed in 
many sections of our country; and it is 
true that there are instances where it 


133 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

would not apply, where, for reasons, the 
young man should make his initial plea 
to the girl herself. But, generally speak- 
ing, the custom is to be commended. A 
young man may well suppose that a girFs 
father will have her best interests at heart. 
If the young man is serious in his desire 
for her happiness he will have the courage 
to ask her of the person to whom she is 
dearest. 

The whole matter of acquaintance be- 
tween young men and young women is 
one of supreme importance in that it may 
lead to results of supreme importance. In 
view of this fact it is amazing that parents 
and guardians so often leave this matter 
to the action of chance, that they do not 
feel the wisdom of exercising a guiding 
hand in the choice of associates for the 
young people under their care. We have 
a prejudice against the European custom 
of social espionage over the young. But it 
134 


YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN 


is safe to assume that if we had more of 
such espionage sentimental disasters 
would not be so frequent as they now are, 
and more true and lasting friendships be- 
tween young men and young women 
would be formed. The older members of 
the household should take a part in creat- 
ing the social atmosphere in which their 
children move. They should cultivate the 
friendship and acquaintance of young 
people so that they may be able the more 
easily and wisely to exert an influence in 
the right direction. Only the opinion and 
taste of the person most concerned should 
be final and decisive in the matter of per- 
sonal relations, but persuasion and direc- 
tion are mighty forces to be employed. 
Especially should parents of attractive 
young women make it their business to 
know something about the young men who 
frequent the house. Said a father of five 
well-married young women: ‘T made it 
135 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

a mle in my daughters’ girlhood to allow 
no young man the entree to my house who 
was not eligible in the sense of character 
and breeding.” It is true that youth and 
age will not always agree on the qualities 
of desirable companionship, and it is also 
true that in these disagreements age is 
often wrong and youth is right; but this 
does not interfere with the truth of the 
statement that maturity should give to 
youth all the help possible in the fre- 
quently momentous choice of friends, 
particularly of those belonging to the op- 
posite sex. 


136 


XII 


COEDUCATION SOCIALLY CONSIDERED 

The idea of coeducation is a peculiarly 
American idea. Perhaps nowhere else in 
the world do such large bodies of young 
men and young women meet together for 
purposes of study and, at the same time, 
enjoy together such social freedom as is 
the case in the coeducational institutions 
of the United States. One may question 
the wisdom of the coeducational idea, but 
as to its popularity there can be no doubt. 
Coeducation is not only with us, but, if in- 
dications are correct, it has come to stay. 

Its opponents say that men and women 
do not work together so well as apart, that 
the distraction of sex in coeducational in- 
stitutions is such as to prevent both men 
and women from making the highest 
137 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

intellectual effort in their power. The 
advocates of the system contend that the 
contact of the sexes in school is a source of 
improvement to the manners of both, that 
it makes young men more courteous and 
young women less sentimental. The 
friends of the movement also say that men 
and women are stimulated to their best 
endeavor by the presence of the opposite 
sex; and that, as the masculine and the 
feminine intellects differ, one being com- 
plementary to the other, so men and 
women, studying together, gain a rounded 
conception of the subject in hand not pos- 
sible otherwise. 

This article is not concerned with the 
pros and cons of the argument, only with 
the questions suggested by the freedom 
and facility with which young people 
meet one another in coeducational schools. 
It is easy to say that the usual social con- 
ventions should be observed, as of course 
138 


COEDUCATION 


they should; but it is not hard to see that 
the somewhat informal conditions under 
which young people meet in these institu- 
tions, make a strict adherence to the code 
a matter of difficulty. Eighteen is the 
average age at which young people enter 
college. They are scarcely men and wom- 
en, yet they are too old for school-boy and 
-girl pranks, in which, however, they often 
feel tempted to indulge. Many young 
men and young women start to college 
without social experience. They may be- 
long to good families whose essential 
ideals of conduct are stanch and fine, but 
to families in which hard work and finan- 
cial stress have crowded out the knowledge 
and practice of social amenities. The 
youth of the students concerned, the inex- 
perience of many, the variety in previous 
training and inheritance make the question 
of social relations much more complicated 
than it would be in the towns or cities from 
139 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

which the various students come and where 
each one belongs by custom and birth to a 
well-defined circle of friends. 

A golden piece of advice for those 
entering college, though one not easy to 
follow, is: “Be slow in forming your 
friendships.” The friendships you make 
with the members of your own sex influ- 
ence decidedly your friendships with the 
other and both should be entered into with 
deliberation. Better be somewhat lonely 
in the beginning of college life than 
precipitate relations with those whom you 
may later come to distrust. Let a young 
woman wait, take time to survey the situa- 
tion coolly and dispassionately, before she 
decides which one, if any, of the Greek 
societies which solicit her attention she 
will enter. Do not let her be carried away 
by the “rushing,” the spreads, the flat- 
teries, the flowers that may be used to in- 
fluence her decision. She will be all the 


140 


COEDUCATION 


more valued by the sorority tliat gets her 
if she holds off a little until her own mind 
and judgment have rendered an answer to 
invitation. And, in the same relative situa- 
tion the same word of warning applies to 
young men. It is in place here to say in 
regard to the Greek societies that the 
pleasure and profit derived by the mem- 
bers from such membership should not 
lead them to a selfish disregard of those 
outside. The tendency to work only for 
one’s fraternity or sorority and to find fel- 
lowship or friendship nowhere else is rec- 
ognized as a narrowing influence in these 
organizations. 

Each college, coeducational or other- 
wise, has its local etiquette that has risen 
out of its history. Certain things can be 
done by seniors, for instance, that would 
not be tolerated in freshmen; certain other 
things that have no reference to the gen- 
eral rules of society are barred because of 
141 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

a collegiate caprice that has been trans- 
formed into law. With this unwritten but 
binding etiquette the student soon becomes 
acquainted. If he runs counter to it, he is 
brought up sharply and made to realize 
the penalty. The etiquette of common 
sense, which should guide the relations 
between young men and women, is of 
another sort and, owing to the exigencies 
of the case, must largely be expressed by 
negative admonitions. The first of these 
is, do not feel that absence from home 
gives you privileges to do vliat you would 
not do at home. The word “lark” is an en- 
ticing one, but young men and young 
women do not indulge in “larks” together 
without paying up. Anything that in- 
volves secrecy in the good times of young 
men and young women away at school 
should be avoided. 

The frequency with which young peo- 
ple of two sexes meet one another in co- 
142 


COEDUCATION 


educational schools leads them easily into 
the habit of calling one another by their 
first names, and into the worse one of 
adopting nicknames. Again the advice of 
Punch is in place. Don’t. Friendship does 
not mean familiarity. Indeed familiarity 
is its greatest foe. When a young girl al- 
lows a young man to call her by her first 
name, unless engaged to him, she cheap- 
ens his regard for her by just so much. 

It often happens that the dormitories or 
boarding-houses where students live do not 
afford attractive reception-rooms. A 
young woman shrinks from receiving calls 
from her young men acquaintances in 
ugly surroundings and in a room filled 
perhaps with uncongenial girls or those 
indifferent to her. It is not improper, un- 
der these circumstances, that she should see 
her men friends elsewhere, — at the col- 
lege library, at the house of some married 
friend or in the course of a walk planned 
143 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

beforehand. But it is in wretched taste 
for her to loiter on the streets with a young 
man, to stop on corners for talk, to walk 
back and forth several times perhaps from 
college to boarding-place in his company. 
Again good sense says, “Don’t.” 

Exchanging photographs is regarded 
as one of the special privileges of college 
life. It would be interesting to know how 
large a per cent, of the income made by 
photographers in the United States comes 
from college students. The exchange of 
photographs between young men and 
young women in the same class in college 
is allowable. Such exchange is, in a sense, 
official and impersonal, and is warranted 
by that fact. When a young woman be- 
stows her photograph under such circum- 
stances she should write upon it the name 
of the college and the date of the class. 
This will indicate clearly that the giving 
is not a matter of sentiment. The promis-^ 


COEDUCATION 


cuous exchange of photographs between 
young men and young women at college 
is a bad one. Only a brother or a lover or 
an old friend should be the recipient of a 
young woman’s likeness. There is some- 
thing too intimate about such a gift to 
make it an object of general distribution. 

One more ‘‘Don’t” occurs to the writer 
as applicable to the relations of young 
men and women as fellow students. Don’t 
use the college slang or jargon when you 
talk together. If it is impossible to keep 
it altogether out of the talk, use as little 
of it as possible. Men students may carry 
on conversation through this medium and 
it is sometimes very funny, but it was not 
intended for feminine purposes. It is dis- 
gusting to hear a young man speak to a 
young woman in the terms he would use 
in addressing his chum. On the other hand 
it is the attempted mannishness of tone 
popular with some women students that 
145 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

prejudices many worthy people against 
coeducational schools. The use of college 
slang outside the boundaries of college life 
is bad form even for a man and gives a 
provincial tone to his talk. 

The opportunities for special festivities 
are many in coeducational life, and there 
is a strong temptation to overdo on the 
social side. Class dances and receptions, 
fraternity and sorority parties, commenc- 
ment gaieties offer frequent allurement. 
A student, woman or man, should sift out 
this matter of recreation in his own mind 
and should determine how much pleasure 
of this kind he can afford financially, 
without detriment to his health or his class 
standing. Some social diversion he needs. 
To develop on the mental side only is a 
mistake. Too much diversion is a far more 
serious mistake. 

It goes without saying that, at the par- 
ties given by students, there should be 
146 


COEDUCATION 


proper chaperonage. This is particularly 
necessary in entertainments, often quite 
elaborate in character, given in chapter 
houses of the fraternities. The fact that 
young men are hosts to the young women 
on such occasions makes it the more neces- 
sary that chaperons should be numerous 
and not too vivacious in character. 

There should be in every coeducational 
school a dean of women. The duties of 
such a position include regulation, so far 
as possible, of social relations between the 
young men and young women of the insti- 
tution as well as actual instruction, if nec- 
essary, on the more important matters of 
social etiquette. In this official, young 
girls of the institution should find a friend 
to whom they may go for advice on vexed 
questions. Where there is no formal 
office of the kind named, the service 
indicated may sometimes be rendered by 
members of the faculty. Some years ago, 
147 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

in a western college town, the Chair of 
English Literature was occupied by a 
woman who took upon herself the bm^den 
of improving the manners of the student 
body, largely composed of sturdy young 
farmers and girls from country towns. 
Once a year in the college chapel, she gave 
a lecture on this subject in which she stated 
plainly what she thought necessary for the 
social improvement of the school. Many a 
young man was helped over awkward 
places by her advice ; many a young wom- 
an saved from some silly escapade which 
she might have blushed later to own. The 
value of such instruction is inestimable. [ 
When opportunity offers for consulta- 
tion with such a guide and teacher, the un- 
instructed student should avail himself of 
it. When such a privilege is not procur- 
able, one’s own sense of propriety, if dili- 
gently sought for and obeyed, will often 
lead one out of an awkward situation for 
which one does not know the formal rule. 


148 


XIII 


THE CHAPERON 

In some parts of America the chaperon 
is, like Sairey Gamp’s interesting friend, 
“Mrs. Harris,” — a mere figment of the 
imagination. Nowhere in America does 
she occupy the perfectly-defined position 
that she holds in Europe; nowhere in 
America are her duties so arduous as those 
imposed on her in older countries. The 
necessity of a chaperon for young people 
on all occasions offends the taste of the 
American. It is even opposed to his code 
of good manners. That a young woman 
should never be able in her father’s house 
to receive, without a guardian, the young 
men of her acquaintance, is alien to the 
average American’s ideal of good breed- 
ing and of independence in friendship. 

149 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

In addition, his sense of humor sets down 
constant attendance on the very young 
as a bore and wearisome in the extreme. 

Because of these prejudices current 
concerning the idea of chaperonage, be- 
cause of this flippant mode of considering 
the subject, characteristically American, it 
is all the more necessary that the line 
should be sharply drawn as to the occa- 
sions where the consensus of usage and 
good sense declares a chaperon to be indis- 
pensable. The sense of the best American 
conventionalities, broadly speaking, is 
that a young woman may have greater 
liberty in her father’s house than else- 
where. A young man who frequents a 
house for the purpose of calling on a 
young woman should be on terms with the 
members of her family, but it is not taken 
for granted that he must spend every min- 
ute of his visits in their presence, or that 
the young woman should feel that she is 

150 


THE CHAPERON 


acting unconventionally in receiving his 
calls by herself. It is unconventional, 
however, for her to take with him long 
evening drives without a chaperon, or to 
go on any sort of prolonged outdoor ex- 
cursion, be the party large or small, with- 
out a chaperon. Driving parties, fishing 
parties, country club parties, sailing par- 
ties, picnics of every kind, — ^here the chap- 
eron is indispensable. No one can tell 
what accidents or delays may occur at fes- 
tivities of this kind that might render a 
prolonged absence embarrassing and awk- 
ward without the chaperon. 

Any married woman may act as chaper- 
on. “Young and twenty” may chaperon 
“fat and forty” if the former has the pre- 
fix “Mrs.” before her name and the latter 
is still of the “Miss” period. It is often 
very amusing to hear young matrons talk 
of their experience in chaperoning their 
elders. The office is one that the newly- 


151 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


married woman likes to assume both be- 
cause of its privileges and because it seems* 
to emphasize her new dignities. 

In consequence of the fact that the friv- 
olous and light-minded young married, 
woman is quite as apt to be called upon to 
fill the office of chaperon as a person of 
more responsible qualities, the duties of 
this position are often less considered than 
its advantages. To some extent the duties 
and the privileges melt together, but not 
entirely. When, for instance, a bachelor 
or a married man whose wife is out of 
town entertains young unmarried people 
with a theater party and a supper after- 
ward at restaurant or club, and asks a 
married woman of his acquaintance to act 
as chaperon, he expects to pay her more 
attention and courtesy than he will give 
to other guests, while at the same time, 
expecting from her an assumption of some 
of the duties of hostess for the occasion^ 


152 


THE CHAPERON 


He may send her flowers if he chooses. 
She must have the seat of honor in the box 
engaged at the theater and, later, the seat 
of honor at the supper party. 

In return she must exercise her power 
of pleasing generally and not for the 
benefit only of the two or three of the 
party whom she likes best. Her surveil- 
lance of the company is, of course, merely 
nominal. It is taken for granted in civil- 
ized society that young people will behave 
properly. A chaperon is merely the official 
sign that the proprieties are observed. She 
is not an instructress and is not likely to 
be asked to fill the position of chaperon 
more than once if she assumes to be. Her 
presence prevents embarrassment and em- 
barrassing situations. It should also act 
upon the guests as an amalgamating 
agent. At a party of the description given 
her business is to mix agreeably the differ- 
ent elements of the company. 

153 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


The duties and privileges of acting as 
chaperon, in such circumstances, are of so 
pleasant a kind that the office is a coveted 
one. Attractive women are much more apt 
to be asked to fill the position than unat- 
tractive ones, except when a chaperon is 
regarded simply as an offering on the 
altar of propriety. 

Generally speaking, the duties of a 
chaperon are somewhat various, and more 
or less arduous, according to the quality 
of those chaperoned. These duties de- 
pend so largely upon circumstances that 
they are not easily classified. It is, of 
course, the part of the chaperon to smooth 
over awkward situations, to arrange and 
make smooth the path of pleasure. It is 
the duty of the chaperoned to agree with- 
out demur to whatever the chaperon may 
suggest. On any debatable point her de- 
cision must be regarded as final. 

A personal and individual chaperon for 

154 


THE CHAPERON 


every young girl is not necessary at a ball. 
It is expedient, however, that there should 
be some one present who, on demand, can 
act in that capacity for her, — some mar- 
ried woman with whom she may sit out a 
dance, if she be not provided with a part- 
ner, or whom she may consult in any of 
the small difficulties possible to the occa- 
sion. If a young woman attend a ball in 
company with her mother or some other 
matron, she should return each time, after 
a dance, to the seat occupied by her chap- 
eron and should direct her several partners 
to find her there. In case she dances with 
any one imknown to her chaperon, it goes 
perhaps without saying that the man in 
the case should be presented properly to 
the friend in charge of her. 

The question as to whether a young 
man must ask the services of a chaperon 
when he invites one young woman to ac- 
company him to the theater is answered 
155 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

differently in different parts of the coun- 
try. In the east a man who asks a young 
woman to go with him to the opera or the 
play, often invites her mother or some 
feminine married friend to accompany 
them. In the west this usage is not so 
common. Those who do not observe it are 
not regarded as outside the pale of good 
form. 

In the case of outdoor excursions the 
chaperon should fix the hour of departure 
to and from the place of festivity; she 
should group the guests for the journey 
there and back, and should designate their 
positions at the table if a meal or refresh- 
ments be served. The duty of the chaper- 
oned, is, in return, to make the position of 
chaperon as agreeable as possible, to defer 
to her in every way. The favor, in the case 
of chaperonage, is conferred by the chap- 
eron, though the actions of certain crude 
young people are no recognition of this 
156 


THE CHAPERON 


fact. A case in point occurs to the writer 
where a young man and his wife were 
asked to chaperon a party of young people 
to a popular rendezvous twelve or four- 
teen miles from the city in which they 
lived. The married people, after much 
urging, consented with some reluctance, 
thereby sacrificing a cherished plan of 
their own. Going and coming they were 
asked to take the back seat, which they 
occupied by themselves, — a seat over the 
wheels of the large vehicle provided. Dur- 
ing the country supper they sat at one end 
of the table where their presence was con- 
versationally ignored. When the time 
came for returning home the married man 
was approached by one of the originators 
of the party, who said that the affair was 
a “Dutch treat,” and would he (the mar- 
ried man) please pay his share of the bill. 
This is, of course, an exaggerated case, 
but in a gross way it is illustrative of the 
157 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

lack of consideration often incident to the 
relation between chaperon and chaper- 
oned. That the obligation to the chaperon 
should be properly recognized is an im- 
portant part of social training. 


158 


XIV 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 

To be comfortably and becomingly 
clothed, is an acknowledged aspiration of 
most women and many men. The time to 
be ashamed of such an aspiration is now 
happily gone by with some other detri- 
mental puritanical notions, and we cheer- 
fully give ourselves to the love of pretty 
things for personal adornment as we do to 
beauty in other directions. That too much 
time may be spent in the thought about 
and selection of clothes is true, also that 
extravagance of expenditure and other 
vices are the price of such vanity. On the 
other hand, it is as true, though not so 
directly and obviously so, that a lack of 
attention to dress leads equally to disaster. 
The badly-gowned person is apt to be self- 
159 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

conscious, not in possession of her best 
self ; and too often she carries the thought 
of dress exactly to the place where her 
mind should be free of such reflections. 
Care about the details of dress should be 
left behind when one goes visiting or ap- 
pears anywhere in public. If one’s toilet 
has been thought out and attended to 
properly before leaving home one’s mind 
is then free for the entertainment of other 
and more interesting subjects. If this im- 
portant matter is suggested to one only by 
the unhappy contrast between one’s ap- 
pearance and that of the people about one, 
then unless one is possessed of a particu- 
larly strong mind, the pleasure of the oc- 
casion in question is nullified, the possible 
profit to be derived from it is cut off. 

Self-consciousness does away with the 
easy use of one’s faculties and renders 
them stiff and unpliable. Trim, appropri- 
ate clothing has a tendency to make the 
160 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 

wearer happy and is an encouragement to 
a comfortable and lively temper of mind. 
I remember hearing a humorous old 
clergyman say that he was frequently 
called upon to endure the recital of her 
miseries from a very untidy woman of his 
congregation and to prescribe advice 
therefor. At last with him truth came to 
the surface and a thought that had long 
lain dormant in his mind found expression 
on the final occasion of her request for 
counsel from him. “Madam,” he said, “I 
believe you would be a much happier wom- 
an if you combed your hair becomingly 
and put on a fresh gown oftener.” The 
matter of dress is at once a serious and, 
to a beauty-loving temperament, a charm- 
ing consideration. To some extent it has 
to do with character and much to do with 
happiness. Some moralists to the contrary 
notwithstanding, the becomingness or the 
unbecomingness of what one wears reacts 
161 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

upon the wearer and makes her distrust- 
ful or confident, timid or courageous, and 
this in a not unworthy sense. 

If the subject of dress is an important 
one, the consideration we give to it should 
be of a correspondingly dignified and or- 
derly character. There is a happy medium 
between spending too much and too little 
time on the thought of what we wear. At 
regular periods, say at least twice a year, 
the matter should be taken up with some 
care, the needs of one’s wardrobe investi- 
gated, the amount of money at one’s dis- 
posal for such purposes be determined 
upon. 

If one’s purse is so large that the ques- 
tion is only one of purchase, of consulting 
good outfitters and dressmakers, there is 
still room for neat and methodical man- 
agement. If one’s purse is small, orderly 
and businesslike management is a neces- 
sity. One should study one’s appearance 
162 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 

and find out for one’s self what colors, 
what tendencies in fashion are becoming^ 
to one, and resolutely strike others off the 
list. Reason, not fancy, should guide one 
in the choice of fabrics and tints. One’s 
manner of life should be considered in the 
selection of gowns, and the appropriate 
thing picked out for the anticipated occa- 
sion. 

The most important gown to be taken 
into account is the street gown, the garb 
in which one appears every day and before 
the largest number of people. That one 
should look well all the days of the week 
is more important and convincing than 
that one should look well for the particu- 
lar and infrequent occasion. If one must 
choose between a good day-in-and-day-out 
gown and one of a more elaborate and 
decorative description, the preference 
should be given to the tailor or street 
gown. One would better invest in a cloth 
163 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

costume of good material and cut, and 
wear this unchanged through more than 
one season than indulge in two or three of 
cheaper mold that reflect unsteadily the 
passing mode. This gown may serve not 
only for street but, with various waists, 
majT' develop other uses than that of out- 
door wear. The changes possible in ac- 
cessories will make it available for calls, 
teas, afternoon receptions and the theater. 

For a woman who goes to balls and 
dinners, however infrequently, a good, 
low-cut gown of some description is in- 
dispensable. Women who have lived quiet, 
provincial lives and are called upon to 
grace a wider social sphere are not always 
aware of this. They provide themselves 
with appropriate gowns of other descrip- 
tions but they feel afraid of the gown 
made especially for evening wear. They 
have a foolish fear sometimes of trying, 
by this means, to look younger than they 
164 . 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 


are or of making themselves conspicuous 
in the wearing of such a frock. Conspicu- 
ousness lies in the other direction. Full 
dress is the proper wear for metropolitan 
entertainments after six o’clock in the 
evening, and full dress means a dress coat 
for a man and a low-cut frock of appro- 
priate material for a woman. Avoidance 
of embarrassment means the adoption of 
this conventional wear. 

To the indispensable items just men- 
tioned may be added theater gowns, din- 
ner gowns, ball gowns, outing costumes, 
tea gowns, negligees, — a bewildering va- 
riety of attire suited not only to every 
feminine need but answering to every 
feminine caprice. Few words are neces- 
sary to those women whose purse is equal 
to the purchase of all the feminine frip- 
peries dear to a woman’s heart. Dealers 
and experienced modistes are always at 
hand to offer serviceable advice to those 
165 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

who have the wherewithal to pay for it. 
Only this bit of counsel is perhaps in sea- 
son to those who may have measurably 
what they choose in the way of wearing 
apparel. Preserve some sort of equality 
between the different items of your toi- 
let. Do not have a splendid theater gown 
and a shabby negligee. Do not wear fine 
furs over an inferior street gown. Ar- 
range the articles of your wardrobe so that 
they bear some sort of happy relation to 
each other, so that one article may not be 
ashamed to be found in the company of 
any other, so that your clothes may seem 
to be the harmonious possession of one 
person, not the happen-so belongings of a 
half -dozen varying temperaments. There 
are persons, — we all know them, — whose 
happy attire is always calling forth 
some such remark as, — ‘‘that looks pre- 
cisely like her,” or “she and the gown were 
made for each other.” This sort of rela- 
166 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 


tion between person and wardrobe is the 
most charming outcome possible to the 
consideration of personal adornment. It 
gives dignity and distinct esthetic value 
to the subject of clothes. With the woman 
of means, this harmony need not be, 
though it often is, occasional. It may be 
constant and if she is a person of esthetic 
temperament she may gain from this 
happy relation between herself and her 
clothes a soul-satisfying sense of bliss not 
to be gained from any other source in the 
world. 

Many women who have little to spend 
put nearly the lump sum into gowns. This 
is a mistake of the gravest sort. The ef- 
fect of the prettiest gown may be spoiled 
by an ill-fitting corset, by gloves that are 
no longer fresh and by shoes that are not 
trim and suitable to the occasion. The 
proper accessories of dress, among which 
are veils, belts, ruchings and collars, often 
167 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

give to an otherwise plain costume, the 
effect of something chic and telling. 
Becoming head-gear is of the utmost im- 
portance. “A hat,” said an apt society 
woman of the writer’s acquaintance, 
“should bear the same relation to other 
parts of one’s costume that the title of a 
story does to the story itself. This article 
of dress should be at once the key and the 
consummation of the effect intended.” 
The fashion in hats varies with great 
rapidity from year to year and one should 
be careful to avoid the extremes of style. 
Only a face of great beauty can stand the 
precipitous, fantastic slants and cmwes 
that mark the ultra-fashionable in milli- 
nery. If one is so fortunate as to find 
sometime a shape that is decidedly becom- 
ing, one should follow through life its 
general outline with modifications suffi- 
cient to conform in a general way to pass- 
ing modes. Many women make a fatal 
168 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 


mistake in their preference for big hats. 
The picture hat is only suited to the large 
and picturesque type. Large hats make 
little women look like mushrooms, and 
frequently they take away all distinction 
and individuality from the face beneath. 

Women otherwise tasteful in dress are 
often careless and unthoughted in the 
jewels they wear. In gowns and millinery 
they would not think of wearing colors 
that clash and fight, yet they do not es- 
tablish a correspondence between clothes 
and jewels worn, between trinkets and the 
quality of personal appearance. They 
wear the contents of their jewel-boxes ir- 
respective of suitability, indifferent as to 
season of night or day. A profusion of 
jewels, or the wearing of various and hos- 
tile stones at one time, is to be avoided as 
the pestilence. A jewel, like a fine picture, 
needs background, space to show it off. In 
the company of many other jewels it loses 
169 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

identity and distinction, and fails in con- 
ferring these qualities upon the wearer. 
In choosing precious stones it is a good 
rule to establish some sort of relation be- 
tween their color and the eyes of the 
wearer. Turquoise intensifies the hue of 
blue eyes, topaz that of brown ones, and 
emeralds are particularly becoming to 
women whose eyes have a greenish tinge. 

Color is so important an element of suc- 
cess in every department of dress that its 
study should be a part of the education of 
every woman who wishes to be well 
gowned. The correspondence between the 
color of the gown and the appearance of 
the person who is to wear it is of more 
importance than the quality of the texture 
employed. Hue and fit make for becom- 
ingness to a greater extent than elegance 
in material, though the latter is also an ele- 
ment of beauty in an all-round conception 
of the subject. 

Neatness is imquestionably an element 

170 , 


THE MATTER OF DRESS 


of that indefinable thing we call style, 
though many women who are neat, are not 
modish. Neatness is the integrity of dress, 
the essential foundation to which all good 
things may be added. To a woman whose 
love for dress is allied to the thirst for 
perfection in that branch, untidiness is 
more than distasteful. Broken shoe-laces, 
gaps between belt and skirt, soiled neck- 
wear, crookedness in the arrangement of 
gowns and other evidences of careless 
dressing are abhorrent to her. Neatness, 
freshness and suitability in the wardrobe 
are more important items than elaboration 
and cost. The person who suggests these 
desirable qualities in the manner of her at- 
tire, whether she has a large or a small 
amount of money to be expended in 
clothes, is sure to present an agreeable ap- 
pearance! If to these qualities she adds a 
scent for novelty and style, she may hope 
to be, as far as clothes are concerned, “very 
smart indeed.’’ 


171 


XV 


MAKING AND RECEIYING GIFTS 

Wedding gifts may be sent any time 
after the wedding cards are issued. They 
are sent to the bride, and may be as ex- 
pensive and elaborate, or as simple and 
inexpensive, as the means of the sender 
make proper. An invitation to a church 
wedding, and not to the reception, pre- 
cludes the necessity of making a wedding- 
present. Indeed the matter of wedding- 
presents admits of more freedom each 
year and many people make it a rule to 
send gifts only to intimate friends and 
relatives. Perhaps this state of affairs has 
been brought about by the fact that 
among a certain, — or uncertain, — class, 
invitations were sometimes issued with the 
special purpose of calling forth a number 
172 


GIFTS 


of presents, — in fact, for revenue only. 
Few persons acknowledged this of them- 
selves, but sometimes a bride was met who 
was so indiscreet or so void of taste as to 
confess her hope that all the persons whom 
she invited to her nuptials would be repre- 
sented by remembrances in gold, silver, 
jewelry or napery. The pendulum has 
swung as far in the opposite direction, and 
fewer wedding gifts than of old are sent 
from politeness alone. 

Suitable gifts for a bride are silver, 
cut-glass, table-linen, pictures, books, 
handsome chairs or tables, rugs, bric-a- 
brac and jewelry. In fact, anything for 
the new home is proper. It is not cus- 
tomary to send wearing apparel, except 
when this is given by some member of the 
bride’s family. A check made out to the 
bride is always a handsome gift. The 
parents of the wife-to-be frequently give 
the small silver. 


173 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

How the silver should be marked is 
a disputed question. Good form demands 
that if the donor wishes to have his gift 
marked, it must he engraved with the 
bride’s maiden initials. Some persons are 
so thoughtful that they send silver with 
the request that it be returned after the 
ceremony by the bride for marking as she 
sees fit. She then returns it to the firm 
from which it was bought, — said firm hav- 
ing received an order from the donor to 
engrave it according to the owner’s wishes. 

Still, if silver must be given marked, it 
is safe to have the initials of the bride put 
upon it. Even should she die, good taste 
and conventionality would forbid the use 
of her silver by the second wife, — should 
there be one. While on this melancholy 
side of the subject it would be well to state 
that when a wife dies, leaving a child, 
and the husband remarries, her silver is 
packed away for the child’s use in future 

m 


GIFTS 


years. This is demanded by custom and 
conventionality. This rule is especially to 
be regarded if the child be a girl, as she 
then has a right to the mother’s silver, 
marked with that mother’s name. 

A wedding gift is accompanied by the 
donor’s card, — usually inclosed in a tiny 
card-envelop. As soon as possible, the 
bride-to-be writes a personal letter of 
thanks. This must be cordial, and in the 
first person, somewhat in this form: 

“425 Cedar Terrace, Milton, Pa. 
My Dear Mrs. Hamilton : 

The beautiful picture sent by Mr. 
Hamilton and yourself has just arrived, 
and I hasten to thank you for your kind 
thought of me. The subject is one of 
which I am especially fond, and the pic- 
ture will do much toward making attrac- 
tive the walls of our little home. It will 
always serve to remind Mr. Allen and 
myself of you and Mr. Hamilton. 

Gratefully yours, 

Mary Brown. 

June nineteenth, nineteen hundred and 
five.” 


175 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

If a gift arrives so late that it can not 
be acknowledged before the wedding, the 
wife must write as soon as possible after 
the ceremony, — even during the first days 
of her honeymoon. To neglect to do this 
is an unpardonable rudeness. 

The wedding gifts may be displayed in 
a room by themselves on the wedding- 
day, but must not be accompanied by the 
cards of the donors. In spite of argu- 
ments pro and con, it is certainly in better 
taste to remove the cards before the exhi- 
bition. If there are so many presents that 
there is any danger of the bride’s forget- 
ting from whom the different articles 
came, let some member of the family keep 
a list, or take an inventory, before the 
cards are taken off. Some persons attach 
to each gift a tiny slip of paper bearing a 
number. In a little book is a correspond- 
ing number after which is written the 
name of the sender. 


176 


GIFTS 


The rules that apply to wedding-pres- 
ents apply also to the gifts sent at wed- 
ding anniversaries, be they wooden, tin, 
crystal, silver or golden anniversaries. 

Engagement presents are frequently 
sent to the fiancee, but this is entirely a 
matter of taste or inclination, and is not 
demanded by fashion or conventionality. 
Contributions to linen showers may be 
included among the engagement gifts. 
The fashion of such “showers” is ephem- 
eral, — a fact not to be regretted. 

A word or more is not out of place con- 
cerning the kind of gifts that a young 
man may make with propriety to a young 
woman with whom he is on agreeable 
terms. Flowers, books, candy, — these are 
gifts that he may make without offense, 
and she may receive without undue or un- 
pleasant sense of obligation. If he be an 
old and intimate friend of her family, he 
may offer her small trinkets, or orna- 
177 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

mental, semi-useful articles, such as a 
card-case, or a bonbonniere. Anything in- 
tended solely for use is proscribed. If a 
young man is engaged to a young woman 
the possible choice of gifts is, of course, 
much enlarged. Even then, however, very 
expensive gifts are not desirable. They 
lessen somewhat the charm of the relation 
between the two. 

When a baby is born, the friends of the 
happy mother send her some article for 
the new arrival. It may be a dainty dress 
or flannel skirt, a cloak, cap, or tiny bit of 
jewelry. These gifts the young mother is 
not supposed to acknowledge until she is 
strong enough to write letters without 
fear of weariness. As a rule some mem- 
ber of her family writes in her stead, ex- 
pressing the mother’s thanks for the 
dainty gifts. 

When a baby is christened, it is cus- 
tomary for the sponsors to make the little 
178 


GIFTS 


one a present. This is usually a piece of 
silver, — as a cup, or bowl, marked with the 
child’s name; or a silver spoon, knife and 
fork may be given. The godparents give, 
as a rule, something that will prove dur- 
able, or a gift that the child may keep all 
his life, rather than an article of wearing- 
apparel. 

A guest invited to a christening-party 
may bring a gift, if he wishes to do so. 
This may be anything that fancy dictates. 
A pretty present for such an occasion is a 
“Record” or “Baby’s Biography,” hand- 
somely bound and illustrated, containing 
blanks for the little one’s weight at birth 
and each succeeding year, for the record 
of his first tooth, the first word uttered^ 
the first step taken, and so on, as well as 
spaces for the insertion of a lock of the 
baby-hair, progressive photographs, and 
other trifles dear to the mother’s heart. All 
christening gifts may be verbally ac- 
179 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

knowledged by the mother when the guest 
presents them. 

The custom of making Christmas pres- 
ents is so universal that it would seem 
superfluous to offer any suggestion with 
regard to them, had not the dear old cus- 
tom been so abused that the lovers of 
Christmas must utter their protest. It 
should be borne in mind that the only 
thing that makes a Christmas gift worth 
while is the thought that accompanies it. 
When it is given because policy, habit, or 
conventionality demands it, it is a dese- 
cration of the good old custom. If we 
must make any presents from a sense of 
duty, let it be on birthdays, on wedding- 
days, on other anniversaries, — ^never on 
the anniversary of the Great Gift to the 
World. If the spirit of good-will to man 
does not prompt the giving, that giving 
is in vain. Nor should a present at this 
time be sent simply because one expects to 
180 


GIFTS 


receive a reminder in the shape of a pres- 
ent from a friend. A quid pro quo is not 
a true Christmas remembrance. 

Let us suppose then, that the making 
of holiday presents is a pleasure. To sim- 
plify matters we would suggest that 
those who have a large circle of friends to 
whom they rejoice to give presents retain 
over to another year the list made the year 
previous. Not only will this keep in mind 
the person whom they would remember, 
but it will prevent duplicating presents. 
One woman learned to her dismay that for 
two years she had sent the same picture, — 
a favorite with her, — to a dear friend, 
while another sent a friend a silver button- 
hook for three consecutive Christmases. 

All gifts, those of the holiday season 
included, should be promptly acknow- 
ledged, and never by a card marked 
“Thanks.” If a present is worth any ac- 
knowledgment, it is worth courteous no- 
181 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

tice. When one says ‘‘Thank you!” either 
verbally or by letter, it should be uttered 
with sincerity, and from the heart. To 
omit the expression of cordial gratitude 
is a breach of good breeding. 


182 


XVI 


BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 

The day is past when the bachelor is 
supposed to have no home, no mode of en- 
tertaining his friends, no lares and pen- 
ates, and no “ain fireside.” He is now an 
independent householder, keeping house 
if he choose to do so, with a corps of effi- 
cient servants, presided over by a compe- 
tent housekeeper, — or, in a simpler man- 
ner having a small apartment of his own, 
attended by a man-servant or maid, if he 
take his meals in this apartment. Oftener, 
however, he prefers to dispense with 
housekeeping cares and live in a tiny 
apartment of two or three rooms, going 
out to a restaurant for his meals. He is 
then the most independent of creatures. 
If he can afford to have a man to take 


183 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

care of his rooms and his clothes, well and 
good. If not, he pays a woman to come in 
regularly to clean his apartment, and she 
takes charge of his bed-making and dust- 
ing or, — ^if he be very deft, systematic 
and industrious, — he does this kind of 
thing himself. 

In any of the cases just cited he is at 
liberty to entertain. He may have an aft- 
ernoon tea, or a reception, or an after- 
theater chafing-dish supper. Unless he 
has his own suite of dining-room, kitchen 
and butler’s pantry, he can not serve a 
regular meal in his rooms. But there are 
many informal, Bohemian affairs to 
which he can invite his friends. For the 
after-theater supper, for instance, he may 
engage a man to assist him and to have 
everything in readiness when the host and 
his party arrive at the apartment. The 
host, himself, will prepare the chafing- 
dish dainty, and with this may be passed 
184 


BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 


articles supplied by a near-by caterer, 
such as sandwiches, ices and cakes. He 
may make his own coffee in a Vienna 
coffee-pot. The whole proceeding is de- 
lightful, informal, and Bohemian in the 
best sense of the word. 

A sine qua non to all bachelor entertain- 
ing is a chaperon. The married woman 
can not be dispensed with on such occa- 
sions. The host may be gray-headed and 
old enough to be a grandfather many 
times over, but, as an unmarried man, he 
must have a chaperon for his women- 
guests. If he object to this, he must recon- 
cile himself to entertaining only those of 
his own sex. 

The age of this essential appendage to 
the social party makes no difference, so 
long as the prefix “]Mrs.” is attached to 
her name. She may be a bride of only a 
few weeks’ standing, — but the fact that 
she is married is the essential. 

185 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

The would-be host, then, first of all, en- 
gages his chaperon, — asking her as a fa- 
vor to assist him in his hospitable efforts. 
She should accept graciously, but the man 
will show by his manner that he is honored 
by her undertaking this office for him. She 
must be promptly at his rooms at the hour 
mentioned, as it would be the height of 
impropriety for one of the young women 
to arrive there before the matron. If she 
prefer she may accompany a bevy of the 
girls invited. To her the host defers, from 
her he asks advice, and to her he pays 
special deference. If there is tea to be 
poured, as at an afternoon function, it is 
she who is asked to do it, and she may, with 
a pretty air of assuming responsibility, 
manage affairs somewhat as if in her o^vn 
home, still remembering that she is a 
guest. In this matter tact and a know- 
ledge of the ways of the world play a 
large part. The chaperon is bound to re- 
186 


BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 


main until the last girl takes her depar- 
ture, after which it is quite en regie for 
the host to offer his escort, unless she ac- 
companies the last guest, or a carriage be 
awaiting her. The host thanks her cor- 
dially for her kind offices, and she in turn 
expresses herself as honored by the com- 
pliment he has paid her. 

Perhaps the simplest form of enter- 
tainment for the unmarried man to give 
in his own quarters is the afternoon tea 
in some of its various forms. For this 
function the man must not issue cards, 
but must write personal notes, or ask his 
guests verbally. It is well for him to in- 
vite several friends who will supply music, 
as this breaks up the monotony. If he 
have some friend who is especially gifted 
musically, and whom he would gladly 
bring before the eyes of the public, he may 
make the presence of this friend an ex- 
cellent reason for his afternoon reception. 

187 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

After having secured the chaperon’s ac- 
ceptance he may write some such note as 
the following: 

“My dear Miss Brown: 

I shall be delighted if you, with a few 
other choice spirits, will take tea with me 
in my apartment next Tuesday afternoon 
about four o’clock. I shall have with me 
at that time my friend, Mr. Frank Mer- 
rill, who sings, I think, passing well. I 
want my friends who appreciate music 
and to whom his voice will give pleasure 
to hear him in my rooms at the time men- 
tioned. Do come! 

Henry Barbour. 

August 10, 1905.” 

There should, if possible, be a maid, or 
a man in livery to attend the door at this 
time, but, if this is not practicable, and the 
affair be very informal, the host may him- 
self admit his guests, and escort them to 
the door when they leave. 

The only refreshments necessary are 
thin bread-and-butter, and some dainty 
188 


BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 

sandwiches, small cakes and tea with 
sugar, cream, and thin slices of lemon. 
These things are arranged upon a prettily- 
set table in one corner of the room, and 
are presided over by the chaperon, who 
also, when the oppoi-tunity affords, moves 
about among the guests, chatting to each 
and all as if she were in her own drawing- 
room. If the man have several rooms, one 
may be opened as a dressing-room in 
which the women may lay their wraps. 
The men-guests may leave their coats 
and hats on the hall table or rack. 

When the guests depart it is pretty and 
deferential for the host to thank the 
women for making his apartment bright 
and attractive for the afternoon. It is 
always well for a man to show by his man- 
ner that his woman-guest has honored him 
by her presence. 

An evening reception may be conducted 
along the same lines, but at this time 
189 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

coffee and chocolate take the place of tea. 
Or, if the host prefer, he may serve only 
cake and coffee, or punch, or ices in ad- 
dition to the cake and coffee. 

If a bachelor be also a householder to 
the extent of running a regular menage, 
he may give a dinner in his home just as 
a woman might. He first engages his 
chaperon, then invites his guests. The 
chaperon is the guest of honor, is taken 
out to dinner by the host and sits at his 
right. It is also her place to make the 
move for the women to leave the men to 
their cigars and coffee, and proceed to the 
drawing-room. Here, after a very few 
minutes, the women are joined by the men 
or, at all events, by the host, who may, if 
he like, give his men-guests permission to 
^ linger in the dining-room a little longer 
than he does. They will, however, not take 
long advantage of this permission, but, 
at the expiration of five or ten minutes, 
190 


BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 


will follow their host to the drawing- 
room. 

The man who can not entertain in his 
own rooms may return any hospitality 
shown to him by giving a supper or dinner 
at a restaurant or hotel. In this case he 
must still have a chaperon, — if the party 
is to be made up of unmarried persons. 
For such an affair as this he engages his 
table and orders the dinner beforehand, 
seeing for himself that the flowers and 
decorations chosen are just what he wishes. 
It is his place to escort the chaperon to 
the restaurant and to seat her at his right. 
Everything is so perfectly conducted at 
well-regulated restaurants that the course 
of the dinner will progress without the 
host’s concerning himself about it. This 
is certainly the luxury of entertaining. 
If, however, the host wishes to give an or- 
der, he should beckon to a waiter, and, in 
a low tone, make the necessary suggestion, 

191 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

or give the requisite order. It is, at such 
a juncture, the part of the chaperon to 
keep the conversational ball rolling, — in 
short, to act as if she were hostess. 

The dinner over, the host escorts his 
guests as far as the door of the restaurant, 
going to the various carriages with the 
women, then calls up the chaperon’s car- 
riage and, himself, accompanies her to her 
home. 

At a bachelor dinner the host may pro- 
vide corsage bouquets for the ladies and 
boutonnieres for the men. It is also a 
pretty compliment for him to send to the 
chaperon at his afternoon or evening re- 
ception, flowers for her to wear. But this 
is not essential, and is a compliment that 
may be dispensed with in the case of a man 
who must consider the small economies of 
life. 

Of course, no dinner-call is made on 
the bachelor entertainer. It is hardly 
192 


BACHELOR HOSPITALITY 

worth while to suggest that the women 
whom he has honored make a point of soon 
inviting him to their homes. In this day 
there is little need to remind women of the 
attentions they may with propriety pay to 
an eligible and imattached man. 


193 


XVII 


THE VISITOR 

An invitation to visit a friend in her 
home must always be answered promptly. 
The invited person should think seriously 
before accepting such an invitation, and, 
unfortunately, one of the things she has to 
consider is her wardrobe. If the would-be 
hostess has a superb house, and the guest 
is to be one of many, all wealthy except 
herself, all handsomely-gowned except 
herself, and if she will feel like an 
English sparrow in a flock of birds of 
paradise, she would better acknowledge 
the invitation, with gratitude, and stay at 
home. If she does go, let her determine 
to make no apologies for her appearance, 
but to accommodate herself to the ways of 
the household she visits. 


194 


THE VISITOR 


One woman, visiting in a handsome 
home, was distressed to the point of weep- 
ing by the fact that, on her arrival, her 
hostess’ maid came to the guest’s room 
and unpacked her trunk for her, putting 
the contents in bureau-drawers and ward- 
robe. It would have been better form if 
the visitor had taken what seemed to her 
an innovation as a matter of course, and 
expressed neither chagrin nor distress at 
the kindly-meant attention. 

If, then, our invited person, after tak- 
ing all things into consideration, decide 
to accept the invitation sent to her, let her 
state just when she is coming, and go at 
that time. Of course she will make her 
plans agree with those of her future host- 
ess. The exact train should be named, and 
the schedule set must not be deviated from. 

It may be said right here that no one 
should make a visit uninvited. Few per- 
sons would do this, — but some few have 


195 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

been guilty of this breach of etiquette. 
One need not always wait for an invita- 
tion from an intimate friend, or member 
of one’s family with whom one can never 
be de trop, but, even then, one should, by 
telegram or telephone, give notice of one’s 
coming. If I could, I would make a rule 
that no one should pay an unexpected visit 
of several days’ duration. If one must go 
uninvited, one should give the prospective 
hosts ample notice of the intended visit, 
begging, at the same time, that one may 
be notified if the suggested plan be incon- 
venient. 

When a letter of invitation is accepted, 
the acceptance must not only be prompt, 
but must clearly state how long one in- 
tends to stay. It is embarrassing to a 
hostess not to know whether her guest 
means to remain a few days or many. As 
will be seen in the chapter on ‘‘The Vis- 
ited,” the hostess can do much to obviate 
196 


THE VISITOR 


this uncertainty by asking a friend for a 
visit of a specified length. But, in accept- 
ing, the guest must also say how long she 
will remain. 

An invitation should be received grate- 
fully. In few things does breeding show 
more than in the manner of acknowledg- 
ing an invitation to a friend’s house. She 
who asks another to be a member of her 
household for even a short time is paying 
the person asked the greatest honor it is 
in her power to confer, and it should be 
appreciated by the recipient. He who does 
not appreciate the honor implied in such 
an invitation is immannerly. When one 
is so devoid of the sense of what is proper 
as to accept this honor grudgingly, the 
would-be hostess has cast her pearls be- 
fore swine. 

An invitation once accepted, nothing 
but such a serious contingency as illness 
must prevent one’s fulfilling the engage- 
197 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ment. As has been said, one must never 
arrive ahead of time. Once in the home 
of a friend the guest makes herself as 
much a member of the household as pos- 
sible. The hours of meals must be as- 
certained, and promptness in everything 
be the rule. To lie in bed after one is 
called, and to appear at the breakfast- 
table at one’s own sweet will, is often an 
inconvenience to the hostess, and the cause 
of vexation and discontent on the part of 
the servants, for which discontent the host- 
ess, — not the guest, — pays the penalty. 
Unless, then, the latter is told expressly 
that the hour at which she descends to the 
first meal of the day is truly of no conse- 
quence in the household, she must come 
into the breakfast-room at the hour named 
by the mistress of the house. 

On the other hand, she should not come 
down a half-hour before breakfast and sit 
in the drawing-room or library, thus keep- 
198 


THE VISITOR 


ing the maid or hostess from dusting these 
rooms and setting them to rights. She 
will stay in her own room until breakfast 
is announced, then descend immediately. 

If amusements have been planned for 
the guest, she will do her best to enjoy 
them, or, at all events, to show gratitude 
for the kind intentions in her behalf. She 
must resolve to evince an interest in all 
that is done, and, if she can not join in the 
amusements, to give evidence of an ap- 
preciation of the efforts that have been 
made to entertain. The guest must re- 
member that the hosts are doing their best 
to please her, and that out of ordinary 
humanity, if not civility, gratitude should 
be shown and expressed for these en- 
deavors. 

If the hostess be a busy housewife, who 
has many duties about the house which 
she must perform herself, the visitor may 
occasionally try to “lend a hand” by dust- 
199 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ing her own room or making her own bed. 
If, however, she is discovered at these 
tasks, and observes that the hostess looks 
worried, or objects to the guest thus ex- 
erting herself, it is the truest courtesy not 
to repeat the efforts to be of assistance. 
It disturbs some housewives to know that 
a visitor is performing any household 
tasks. 

It is a safe rule to say that a guest 
should go home at the time set unless the 
hostess urges her to do otherwise, or has 
some excellent reason for wishing her to 
change her plans. To remain beyond the 
time expected is very often a great mis- 
take, unless one knows that it will be a 
genuine convenience to the hosts to have 
one stay. The old saying that a guest 
should not make a host twice glad has 
sound common sense as its basis. If a vis- 
itor is persuaded to extend her visit, it 
must be only for a short time, and she 
200 


THE VISITOR 


must herself set the limit of this stay, at 
which time nothing must in any way be al- 
lowed to deter her from taking her de- 
parture. 

The visitor in a family must exercise 
tact in many ways. Above all she must 
avoid any participation in little discussions 
between persons in the family. If the fa- 
ther takes one side of an argument, the 
mother the other, the wise guest will keep 
silent, unless one or the other appeal to 
her for confirmation of his or her asser- 
tions, — in which case she should smilingly 
say that she would rather not express an 
opinion, or laugh the matter oif in such 
a way as to change the current of the con- 
versation. 

Another thing that a guest must avoid 
is reproving the children of the house in 
even the mildest, gentlest way. She must 
also resist the impulse to make an audible 
excuse for a child when he is reprimanded 
201 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

in her presence. To do either of these 
things is a breach of etiquette. 

If she be so fortunate as to be invited 
to a house-party or a week-end party, she 
should accept or decline at once, that the 
hostess may know for how many people 
to provide rooms. For such an affair one 
should take handsome gowns, as a good 
deal of festivity and dress is customary 
among the jolly group thus brought to- 
gether. A dinner or evening gown is es- 
sential, and, if, as is customary, the house- 
party be given at a country-home, the vis- 
itor must have a short walking-skirt and 
walking-boots, as well as a carriage cos- 
tume. 

Once a member of a house-party, the 
rule is simple enough. Do as the others 
do, and enter with a will on all the enter- 
tainment provided by the host and hostess 
for the party. 

If you make a visit of any length you 
202 


THE VISITOR 


must not fail to leave a little money for 
each servant who has, by her services in 
any capacity, contributed to your com- 
fort. This will, of course, include the maid 
who has cared for the bedroom, and the 
waitress. By one of these servants send 
something to the cook, and a message of 
thanks for the good things which she has 
made and you have enjoyed. The laun- 
dress need not be inevitably remembered, 
imless she has done a little washing for 
you; still, when one considers the extra 
bed and table linen to be washed, it is as 
well to leave a half dollar for her also. 
The amount of such fees must be deter- 
mined by the length of your purse; and 
must never be so large as to appear lavish 
and unnecessary. A dollar, if you can 
afford it and have made a visit of any 
length, will be sufficient for each maid. 
The coachman who drives you to the train 
must receive the same amount. 


203 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


After the guest has returned to her own 
home, her duties toward her recent hosts 
are not at an end until she has written 
what is slangily known as “the bread-and- 
butter letter.” This is simply a note, tell- 
ing of one’s safe arrival at one’s destina- 
tion, and thanking the late hostess for the 
pleasant visit one has had. A few lines are 
all that etiquette demands, but it requires 
these, and decrees that they be despatched 
at once. To neglect to write the letter de- 
manded by those twin sisters. Convention- 
ality and Courtesy, is a grave breach of the 
etiquette of the visitor. 

Hospitality as a duty has been written 
up from the beginning of human life. 
The obligations of those who, in quaint 
old English phrase, “guesten” with neigh- 
bors, or strangers, have had so little at- 
tention it is no wonder they are lightly 
considered, in comparison. 

We hear much of men who play the host 
204 


THE VISITOR 


royally, and of the perfect hostess. If 
hospitality be reckoned among the fine 
arts and moral virtues, to “guesten” aright 
is a saving social grace. Where ten ex- 
cellent hosts are found we are fortunate 
if we meet one guest who knows his busi- 
ness and does it. 

The consciousness of this neglected fact 
prompts us to write in connection with 
our cardinal virtue of giving, of what 
we must perforce coin a word to define as 
“Guestly Etiquette.” We have said else- 
where that the first, and oftentimes a hu- 
miliating step, in the acquisition of all 
knowledge, from making a pudding to 
governing an empire, is to learn how not 
to do it. Two-thirds of the people who 
“guesten” with us never get beyond the 
initiatory step. 

The writer of this page could give from 
memory a list that would cover pages of 
foolscap, of people who called themselves 
205 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

well-bred and who were in the main, well- 
meaning, who have deported themselves in 
liospitable homes as if they were regis- 
tered boarders in a hotel. 

Settle within your own mind, in enter- 
ing your friend’s doors, that what you re- 
ceive is not to be paid for in dollars and 
cents. The thought will deprive you at 
once of the right to complain or to criti- 
cize. This should be a self-evident law. 
It is so far, however, from being self-evi- 
dent that it is violated every day and in 
scores of homes where refinement is sup- 
posed to regulate social usages. 

Taking at random illustrations that 
crowd in on memories of my own ex- 
periences, — ^let me draw into line the dis- 
tinguished clergyman who always brought 
his own bread to the table, informing me 
that my hot muffins were “rank poison to 
any rightly-appointed stomach”; another 
man as distinguished in another profession 
206 


THE VISITOR 


who summoned a chambermaid at eleven 
o’clock at night to drag his bed across the 
room that he might lie due east and west; 
an author who never went to bed until two 
o’clock in the morning, and complained 
sourly at breakfast time that ‘‘your ser- 
vants, madam, banked up the furnace fire 
so early that the house got cold by mid- 
night”; the popular musician who in- 
formed me “your piano is horribly out of 
tune”; the man and wife who “couldn’t 
sleep a wink because there was a mosquito 
in the room”; the eminent jurist who sat 
out an evening in the libraiy of my couti- 
tiy-house with his hat on because “the 
room was drafty”; — ah! my fellow house- 
mothers can match every instance of the 
lack of the guestly conscience by stories 
from their own repositories. 

The guest who is told to consider him- 
self as one of the family knows the in- 
vitation to be a figure of polite speech as 


007 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

well as he who says it knows it to be an 
empty form. One man I wot of sings 
and whistles in the halls and upon the 
stairs of his host’s house to show how joy- 
fully he is at home. Another stretches 
himself at length upon the library sofa, 
and smokes the cigar of peace (to him- 
self) at all hours, an ash-cup upon the 
floor within easy distance. A third helps 
himself to his host’s cigars whenever he 
likes without saying “by your leave.” 
Each may fancy that he is following out 
the hospitable intentions of his entertain- 
ers when, in fact, he is selfishly oblivious 
of guestly duty and propriety. 

One who has given the subject more 
than a passing thought might suppose it 
unnecessary to lay down to well-bred read- 
ers “Laws for Table Manners While Vis- 
iting.” Yet, when I saw a man of excel- 
lent lineage, and a university graduate, 
thump his empty tumbler on the table to 
208 


THE VISITOR 


attract the attention of the waitress, and 
heard him a few minutes later, call out to 
her “Butter — please!” I wished that the 
study of such a manual had been included 
as a regular course in the college curric- 
ulum. 

A true anecdote recurs to me here that 
may soothe national pride with the know- 
ledge that the solecisms I have described 
and others that have not added to the 
traveled American’s reputation for breed- 
ing, are not confined to our side of the 
ocean. 

Lord and Lady B , names familiar 

some years back to the students of the 
“high-life” columns of our papers, were 
at a dinner-party in New York with an 
acquaintance of mine who painted the 

scene for me. Lady B , tasting her 

soup as soon as it was set down in front 
of her, calls to her husband at the other 

end of the table: “B , my dear! Don’t 

209 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

eat this soup! JXis quite filthy! There are 
tomatoes in itT’ 

We Americans are less brutally frank 
than our English cousins. Yet I thought 

of Lady B last week when my vis-a- 

vis, — a slim, pretty, accomplished matron 
of thirty, or thereabouts — at an admir- 
ably-appointed family dinner, accepted a 
plate of soup, tasted it, laid down her 
spoon and did not touch it again, repeat- 
ing the action with an entree, and with the 
dessert of peaches and cream. She did not 
grimace her distaste of any one of the 
three articles of food, it is true, being, 
thus far, better-mannered than our titled 
vulgarian. In effect she implied the same 
thing by tasting of each portion and de- 
clining to eat more than the tentative 
mouthful. 

To sum up our table of rules : Bethink 
yourself, from your entrance to your exit 
from your host’s house, of the sure way 
210 


THE VISITOR 


of adding to the comfort and pleasure of 
those who have honored you by inviting 
you to sojourn under their roof -tree. If 
possessed of the true spirit of hospitality, 
they will find that pleasure in promoting 
yours. Learn from them and be not one 
whit behind them in the good work. If 
they propose any especial form of amuse- 
ment, fall in with their plans readily and 
cordially. You may not enjoy a stately 
drive through dusty roads behind fat 
family horses, or a tramp over briery fields 
with the hostess who is addicted to berry- 
ing and botanizing — but go as if that were 
the exact bent of taste and desire. A din- 
ner-party, made up of men who talk busi- 
ness and nothing else, and their over- 
dressed wives, who revel in the discussion 
of what Mrs. Sherwood calls “The Three 
Dreadful D’s” — Disease, Dress and Do- 
mestics — ^may typify to you the acme of 
boredom. Comport yourself as if you 
211 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

were in your native element and happy 
there. The self-discipline will be a means 
of grace in more ways than one. 

On Sunday accompany your hosts to 
iheir place of worship with the same cheer- 
ful readiness to like what they like. You 
may be a High Church Episcopalian and 
they belong to the broadest wing of 
Unitarians or the straitest sect of Evan- 
gelicals. Put prejudice and personal 
preference behind you and find consola- 
tion in the serene conviction of guestly 
duty done — and done in a truly Christian 
spirit. 


212 


XVIII 


THE VISITED 

It has been said, — and with an un- 
fortunate amount of truth, that the gra- 
cious, old-fashioned art of hospitality is 
dying out. Those who keep open house 
from year’s end to year’s end, from whose 
doors the latch-string floats in the breeze, 
ready for the fingers of any friend who 
will grasp it, are few. 

The “entertaining” that is done now 
does not compensate us for the loss of 
what may be called the “latch-string-out” 
custom of the days gone by. Luncheons, 
teas, dinners, card-parties, receptions and 
the like, fill the days with engagements 
and hold our eyes waking until the morn- 
ing hours, but this is a kind of wholesale 
hospitality as it were, and done by con- 
213 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

tract. Such affairs remind one ludicrously 
of the irreligious and historic farmer-boy 
who, reminiscent of his father’s long- 
winded “grace before meat,” suggested 
when they salted the pork for the winter 
that he “say grace over the whole barrel” 
and pay off a disagreeable obligation all 
at one time. 

Perhaps if our hostess were frank she 
would acknowledge a similar desire when 
she sends out cards by the hundreds and 
fills her drawing-rooms to overflowing 
with guests, scores of whom care to come 
even less than she cares to have them. But 
there seems to be a credit and debit ac- 
count kept, and once in so often it is in- 
cumbent on the society woman to “give 
something.” Florists and caterers are 
called to her aid, and, with waiters and as- 
sistants hired for the occasion, take the 
work of preparation for the entertain- 
ment off my lady’s hands. 

214 


THE VISITED 


In speaking of hospitality in this chap- 
ter, we refer especially to the entertain- 
ing of a visitor for one, or many days in 
the home. Let us put the blame where 
it belongs and aver that there are reasons 
for the decline of hospitality in this coun- 
try, and that the greatest of these is — 
SERVANTS ! Not long ago we made a point 
of asking several housekeepers why they 
did not invite friends to visit them. Three 
out of four interviewed on the subject 
agreed that the servants were the main 
drawback. The fourth woman, who was in 
moderate circumstances, confessed that 
she did not want guests unless she could 
^‘entertain them handsomely.” 

To obviate the first-mentioned difficulty 
every housekeeper should, when engaging 
a servant, declare boldly that she receives 
her friends at will, in her home, and have 
that fact understood from the outset of 
Bridget’s or Gretchen’s career with her. 

215 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

As to the reason given by the fourth 
housekeeper, it is too contemptible to be 
considered by a sensible woman. Our 
guests come to see us for ourselves, not for 
the beauty of our houses, or for the ele- 
gance of our manner of living. The 
woman whose house is clean and furnished 
as her means permit, who sets her table 
with the best that she can provide for her 
own dear ones, is always prepared for 
company. There may be times when the 
unlooked-for coming of a guest is an in- 
convenience. It should never be the cause 
of a moment’s mortification. Only pre- 
tense, and seeming to be what one is not, 
need cause a sensation of shame. If a 
friend comes, put another plate at the 
table, and take him into the sanctum sanc- 
torum — the home. With such a welcome 
the simplest home is dignified. 

But as to the invited guest. The would- 
be hostess knows when she wishes to re- 
216 


THE VISITED 


ceive her friend, and, in a cordial invita- 
tion, states the exact date upon which she 
has decided, giving the hour of the ar- 
rival of trains, and saying that she or some 
member of her family will meet the guest 
at the station. One who has ever arrived 
at a strange locality, “unmet,” knows the 
peculiar sinking of heart caused by the 
neglect of this simple duty on the part of 
the hostess. 

The letter of invitation should also 
state how long the visitor is expected to 
stay. This may be easily done by writing 
— “Will you come to us on the twenty- 
first and stay for a week?” or, “We want 
you to make us a fortnight’s visit, coming 
on the fifteenth.” If one can honestly add 
to an invitation, “We hope that you may 
be able to extend the time set, as we want 
to keep you as long as possible,” it may 
be done. If not meant, the insincere 
phrase is inexcusable. 

217 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Elaborate preparations should be avoid- 
ed — preparations that weary the hostess 
and try the tempers of servants. The 
guest-chamber will he clean, sweet and 
dainty. No matter how competent a 
chambermaid is, the mistress must see for 
herself that sheets, pillow-slips and towels 
are spotless, and that there are no dusty 
corners in the room. If the visitor he a 
woman, and flowers are in season, a vase 
of favorite blossoms will be placed on the 
dressing-table. The desk or writing- 
table will be supplied with paper, envelops, 
pens, ink, and even stamps. Several in- 
teresting novels or magazines should be 
within reach. All these trifles add to the 
home-like feeling of the new arrival. 

A welcome should be cordial and hon- 
est. A hostess should take time to warm 
her guest’s heart by telling her that she is 
glad, genuinely glad, to have her in her 
home. She should also do all she can to 


218 


THE VISITED 


make the visitor forget that she is away 
from her own house. 

All this done, the guest should be let 
alone! We mean this, strange as it may 
seem. Many well-meaning hostesses 
annoy guests by following them up 
and by insisting that they shall be ‘‘doing 
something” all the time. This is almost as 
wearing and depressing as neglect would 
be. Each person wants to be alone a part 
of the time. A visitor is no exception 
to this rule. She has letters to write, or 
an interesting book she wants to read, or, 
if she needs the rest and change her visit 
should bring her, it will be luxury to her 
to don a wrapper and loll on the couch or 
bed in her room for an hour or two a day. 
The thought that one’s hostess is noting 
and wondering at one’s absence from the 
drawing-room, where one is expected to 
be on exhibition, is akin to torture to a 
nervous person. 


219 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Provide a certain amount of entertain- 
ment for the visitor in the way of out- 
door exercise (if she likes it), callers, 
amusements and so forth, and then 
(again!) in plain English, let her alone! 

One must never insist that a guest re- 
main beyond the time set for her return, 
if the guest declares sincerely that to re- 
main longer is inadvisable. To speed the 
parting guest is an item of true hospital- 
ity. The hostess may beg her to stay 
when she feels that the visitor can con- 
veniently do so, and when her manner 
shows that she desires to do so. But when 
the suggestion has been firmly and grate- 
fully declined, the matter should he 
dropped. A guest who feels that she must 
return to her home for business, family or 
private reasons, is embarrassed by the in- 
sistence on the part of her entertainers 
that such return is unnecessary. 

Of course, the visitor in one’s house 


220 


THE VISITED 


should be spared all possible expense. The 
porter who brings the trunk should be 
paid by the host, unless the guest forestalls 
him in his hospitable intention. Car-f ares, 
hack-hire and such things, are paid by the 
members of the family visited. All these 
things should be done so unobtrusively as 
to escape, if possible, the notice of the per- 
son entertained. 

No matter what happens — should there 
be illness and even death in the family — 
a hospitable person will not allow the 
stranger within her gates to feel that she 
is in the way, or her presence an incon- 
venience. There is no greater cruelty 
than that of allowing a guest in the home 
to feel that matters would run more 
smoothly were she absent. Only better 
breeding on the part of the visitor than is 
possessed by her hostess will prevent her 
leaving the house and returning to her 
home. Should sudden illness in the family 
221 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

occur, the considerate person will leave. 
But this must be permitted only under 
protest. To invite a friend to one’s house, 
and then seem to find her presence unwel- 
come is only a degree less cruel than con- 
fining a bird in a cage, where he can 
not forage for himself, and slowly starv- 
ing him. If one has not the hospitable in- 
stinct developed strongly enough to feel 
the right sentiment, let him feign it, or 
refuse to attempt to entertain friends. 
The person under one’s roof should be, for 
the time, a sacred object, and the host who 
does not feel this is altogether lacking in 
the finer instincts that accompany good 
breeding. 

We know one home in which hospitality 
is dispensed in a way no guest ever for- 
gets. From the time the visitor enters the 
doors of this House Beautiful she is, as 
it were, enwrapped in an atmosphere of 
loving consideration impossible to de- 
222 


THE VISITED 


scribe. One guest, visiting there with her 
children, was horrified at their being taken 
suddenly ill with grippe, — so ill that to 
travel with them just then was dangerous. 
She was hundreds of miles away from 
home with the possibility of the children’s 
being confined to the house for some days 
to come. The physician summoned con- 
firmed her fears. The distressed mother 
knew only too well what an inconvenience 
illness is, — especially in a friend’s house 
instead of in one’s own home. 

All the members of the household 
united in making the disconcerted woman 
feel that this home was the one and only 
place in which the little ones should have 
been seized with the prevailing epidemic; 
that it was a pleasure to have them there 
under any circumstances; that to wait on 
them and their mother was a privilege. 
The sweet-voiced, sweet-faced hostess, 
herself an invalid at this time, drew the 
223 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


anxious visitor down on the bed beside her 
and kissed her as she said : 

“Dear child! try to believe that you and 
yours are as welcome here as in your own 
dear mother’s home.” 

Surely of such is the Kingdom of 
Heaven! 


224 


XIX 


HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 

If ours were a perfect state of society, 
constructed on the Golden Rule, ani- 
mated and guided throughout by imself- 
ish love for friend and neighbor, and 
charity for the needy, there would be no 
propriety in writing this chapter. Home, 
domestic comfort and happiness being our 
best earthly possessions, we would be ea- 
gerly willing to share them with others. 

As society is constructed under a state 
of artificial civilization, and as our homes 
are kept and our households are run, the 
element of duty must interfere, or hos- 
pitality would become a lost art. Even 
where the spirit of this — one of the most 
venerable of virtues — is not wanting, con- 
science is called in to regulate the manner 
225 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

and the seasons in which it should be ex- 
ercised. 

As a corner-stone, assume, once for all, 
that a binding obligation rests on you 
to visit, and to receive visits, and to enter- 
tain friends, acquaintances and strangers 
in a style consistent with your means, at 
such times as may be consistent with more 
serious engagements. 

It may sound harsh to assert that you 
have no right to accept hospitality for 
which you can never make any return in 
kind. The principle is, nevertheless, 
sound to the core. 

Those who read the newspapers forty 
years ago will recall a characteristic inci- 
dent in the early life of Colonel Ells- 
worth, the brilliant young lawyer who was 
one of the first notable victims of the Civil 
War. His struggles to gain a foothold in 
his profession were attended by many 
hardships and humiliating privations. 

226 


HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 


Once, finding the man he was looking for 
on a matter of business, in a restaurant, 
he was invited to partake of the luncheon 
to which his acquaintance was just sitting 
down. Ellsworth was ravenously hungry, 
almost starving, in fact, but he declined 
courteously but firmly, asking permission 
to talk over the business that had brought 
him thither, while the other went on with 
the meal. 

The brave young fellow, in telling the 
story in after years, confessed that he suf- 
f erred positive agony at the sight and 
smell of the tempting food. 

‘T could not, in honor, accept hospital- 
ity I could not reciprocate,” was his simple 
explanation of his refusal. ‘T might 
starve, I could not sponge!” 

Sponging — ^to put it plainly — ^is pau- 
perism. The one who eats of your bread 
and salt becomes, in his own eyes — not in 
yours — your debtor. For the very genius 
227 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

of hospitality is to give, not expecting to 
receive again. (This by the way!) 

I do not mean if your wealthy acquaint- 
ance invites you to a fifteen-course din- 
ner, the cost of which equals your monthly 
income, that you are in honor or duty 
bound to bid her to an entertainment as 
elaborate, or that you suffer in her estima- 
tion, or by the loss of your self-respect. 
But by the acceptance of the invitation 
you bind yourself to reciprocation of some 
sort. If you can do nothing more, ask 
your hostess to afternoon tea in your own 
house or flat, and have a few congenial 
spirits to meet her there. It is the spirit 
in such a case that makes alive and keeps 
alive the genial glow of good-will and 
cordial friendliness. The letter of com- 
mercial obligation, like for like, in degree, 
and not in kind, would kill true hospi- 
tality. 

Your friend’s friend, introduced by 
228 


HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 


him and calling on you, has a proved claim 
on your social offices. If you can not 
make a special entertainment for him, ask 
him to a family dinner, explaining that it 
is such, and make up in kindly welcome 
for the lack of lordly cheer. If it be a 
woman, invite her to luncheon with you 
and a friend or two, or to a drive, winding 
up with afternoon tea in some of the 
quietly elegant tea-rooms that seem to 
have been devised for the express use of 
people of generous impulses and slender 
purses. It is not the cost in coin of the 
realm that tells with the stranger, but the 
temper in which the tribute is offered. 

“I do not ‘entertain’ in the sense in 
which the word is generally used,” wrote 
a distinguished woman to me once, hear- 
ing that I was to be in her neighborhood. 
“But I can not let you pass me by. Come 
on Thursday, and lunch with me, en tete- 
a-tete/^ 


229 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

I accepted gladly, and the memory of 
that meal, elegant in simplicity, shared 
with one whom my soul delights to honor, 
is as an apple of gold set in a picture of 
silver. 

The stranger, as such, has a Scriptural 
claim on you, when circumstances make 
him your neighbor. In thousands of 
homes since the day when Abraham ran 
from his tent-door to constrain the thirst- 
ing and hungering travelers to accept 
such rest and refreshment as he could 
offer them during the heat of the day, 
angels have been entertained unawares in 
the guise of strangerhood. 

“Did you know the B ’s before they 

came to our town?” asked an inquisitive 
New Englander of one of her near neigh- 
bors. 

“No.” 

“Then — you won’t mind my asking 
you? — why did you invite them to dinner 
230 


HOSPITALITY AS A DUTY 

on Thanksgiving Day? It’s made a deal 
of talk.” 

Abraham’s disciple smiled. 

“Because they were strangers, and 
seemed to be lonely. They are respect- 
able and they live on my street.” 

Poetical justice requires me to add that 

the B ’s, who became the lifelong 

friends of their first hostess in the strange 
land, proved to be people of distinction 
whom the best citizens of the exclusive lit- 
tle town soon vied with one another in 
“cultivating.” In ignorance of their ante- 
cedents the imitator of the tent-holder of 
Mamre did her duty from the purest of 
motives. 

Not one individual or one family has a 
moral or a social right to neglect the prac- 
tice of hospitality. Unless one is con- 
fined to the house or bed by illness, one 
should visit and invite visits in return. 

We are human beings, not hermit crabs. 

2S1 


XX 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 

The observance of mourning is a diffi- 
cult matter to treat, for individual feeling 
enters largely into the question. Still, 
there are certain rules accepted by those 
who would not be made remarkable by 
their scorn of conventionalities. 

The matter of mourning-cards and sta- 
tionery has been treated in the chapter on 
“Calls and Cards,” and on “Letter-Writ- 
ing.” A word may here be added with 
regard to the letter of condolence. This 
should be written to the bereaved person 
as soon as practicable after the death for 
which she mourns. It must not be long, 
but should express in a few sincere words 
the sympathy felt, and the wish to do 
something to help alleviate the mourner’s 

232 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 


distress. This letter does not demand an 
answer, but some persons try, some weeks 
after such letters have been received, to 
reply to them. This is not really neces- 
sary, except when the writer is a near 
friend of the family. In many cases, a 
black-edged card bearing the words, 
‘‘Thanks for your kind sympathy,” is 
mailed to the writer. 

If one does not write a letter, one may 
send to or leave at the house of mourning 
a card, bearing the words, “Sincere sym- 
pathy” upon it. 

It is now customary to accompany the 
funeral notice in the daily papers with the 
sentence, “Kindly omit flowers.” This is 
especially customary when the deceased is 
a well-known or popular person. To send 
flowers after the appearance of such a 
notice is the height of rudeness and shows 
little respect to the dead and none for the 
family. There are many funerals at 
233 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

which flowers are a burden, — ^there is such 
a profusion of them. Not only is it neces- 
sary to have a special coach to transport 
the huge floral emblems to the cemetery, 
but there they soon fade, leaving the wire 
forms to rust and become an eyesore until 
the caretaker of the section removes them. 
It is far better, if one does send flowers, 
to let them be bunches of loose blossoms, 
which may be strewn over the grave, and 
which, in fading, will not leave a hideous 
skeleton of stained wire to torture the 
sight of the first visitors to the newly- 
made grave. If there are more of these 
blossoms than can be taken to the cem- 
etery, those left may be sent to the in- 
mates of hospitals, who need not know 
that they were intended for a funeral. If 
the request “no flowers” is made publicly, 
let outsiders leave to the members of the 
family of the deceased the melancholy 
privilege of supplying the few choice 
234 , 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 


flowers that accompany their dear one to 
his last resting-place. It is surely their 
privilege. 

In attending a funeral, one should be 
very prompt, and yet not so far ahead of 
the hour set as to arrive before the final 
arrangements are completed. At a church 
or house funeral, one should wait to be 
seated as the undertaker or his assistant 
directs. Nor should one ever linger after 
the services to speak to an}^ members of 
the family, imless one is particularly re- 
quested to do so. 

In chm’ches of two denominations it is 
not customary to have the coffin opened 
to the public gaze. It is a pity that this 
law is not universal, but it is becoming 
more common to have the casket left 
closed through the entire service. It cer- 
tainly spares the mommers the agonizing 
period during which the long line of 
friends, and strangers who come from 
2S5 


EVERYDAY, ETIQUETTE 

Tulgar curiosity, file past and look on 
the unshielded features of the dead. Some 
one has said that the custom of allowing 
the curious who did not know the deceased, 
and who cared nothing for him, to gaze 
on his face after death, seems to be taking 
an unfair advantage of the dead. 

Many persons prefer a quiet house fu- 
neral for one they love, for there are few 
persons vulgar or bold enough to force 
themselves into the house of mourning, 
where only those who knew and loved the 
departed are supposed to be welcome. 

At a house funeral the clergyman 
stands at the head of the coffin while he 
reads the seiwice, the audience standing 
or sitting as the custom of the special serv- 
ice used demands. 

At a church funeral, the clergyman 
meets the coffin at the door and precedes it 
up the aisle, reading the burial service. 
As he begins to read, the congregation 
236 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 

rises and stands as the procession moves 
forward. When, after the services, the 
coffin is lifted by the bearers, the congre- 
gation again arises and remains standing 
until the casket has been taken from the 
church. A private interment, or one at 
the convenience of the family, is now al- 
most universal. Unless invited, no out- 
sider, even if he be a friend of the family, 
will go to the cemetery under such circum- 
stances. 

After the funeral, and when one’s 
friends have become accustomed to their 
sorrow, is the time when grief is the hard- 
est to bear. It is then that the sympathetic 
person may do much toward brightening 
the long and dreary days in the house of 
mourning. Flowers left at the door oc- 
casionally, frequent calls, an occasional 
cheering note, a bright book lent, are a 
few of the small courtesies that amount 
to actual benefactions. Only those who 
237 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

have had to learn to live with a grief 
that is almost forgotten by others know 
what such tokens of thoughtful sympathy 
mean. 

The heaviest mourning demanded by 
conventionality is worn by a widow, but 
even she is now allowed to dispense with 
the heavy crape veil. In its place is the 
long veil of nun’s veiling, which is worn 
over the face only at the funeral. With it 
is a face-veil, trimmed with crape, and a 
white ruche or “widow’s cap” stitched in- 
side of the brim of the small bonnet. The 
dress is of Henrietta cloth, or other lus- 
terless material, and may be trimmed with 
crape. Black suede gloves and black-bor- 
dered handkerchiefs, — ^if these are liked, 
— are proper. The widow seldom discards 
her veil under two years, — some widows 
wear it always. After the first year it is 
shortened. 

It is a matter for congratulation that 

238 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 

crape, that most expensive, unwholesome, 
perishable and inartistic of materials, is 
worn less and less with each passing year. 
Surely to have to wrap oneself in its stiff 
and malodorous folds adds discomfort to 
grief. It is now seldom worn except by 
widows, although a daughter may wear it 
for a parent, a mother for her child. 

The matter of the mourning-veil is one 
each person must settle for herself, al- 
though the strictest followers of fashion 
deprecate its use for any women except 
widows. Some bereaved daughters and 
mothers wear it, but not for a long period, 
seldom longer than six months. 

Mourning for the members of one’s im- 
mediate family may be worn for a year, 
then lightened. Mourning for a relative- 
in-law is lightened at the end of three or 
six months. 

While on this subject it would be well 
to call attention to the fact that one should 

239 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

either wear conventional black, or no black 
at all. For a widow to wear, as a well- 
known woman did recently, a long veil 
and gray suede gloves, borders on the 
ridiculous^ Nor should velvet, cut jet, 
satin and lace be donned by those wearing 
the insignia of grief. Nor are black-and- 
white combined deep mourning. They 
may be worn when the weeds are light- 
ened, but not when one is wearing the 
strictly conventional garb of dolor. Even 
widows may wear all white, but not with 
black ribbons, unless the heavy black has 
been laid aside for what may be called the 
“second stage” of bereavement. At first, 
all materials either in black or white, must 
be of dull finish. Dresses may be of nun’s 
veiling, Henrietta cloth, and other im- 
shining wool fabrics, or of dull, lusterless 
silks. Simple white muslins, lawns and 
mulls are proper, but must not be trimmed 
with laces or embroidered. 


240 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 

For men, black or gray suits, black 
gloves and ties, and a black band upon the 
hat, are proper. The tie should be of taf- 
feta or grosgrain silk, not of satin or fig- 
ured silk. I would lay especial stress on 
the poor taste of the recent fad of wear- 
ing a black band upon the sleeve of a tan 
coat. If a man is too little grieved, or too 
poor to buy a black or gray coat, or to 
have the tan coat dyed black, let him wear 
it, and dispense with the reminder that he 
is an object for condolences. The same 
rule applies to the would-be smart young 
woman who sports a narrow black strip 
upon the left arm of her tan rain-coat or 
walking- jacket. If she can not wear con- 
ventional and suitable mourning, she 
would better wear none. 

The matter of the period of time in 
which a mourner should shun society is a 
subject on which one may hesitate to 

express an opinion, as there are too many 
241 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

persons whose views would not coincide 
with ours. In this case, as in others, one 
must, to a certain extent, be a rule unto 
oneself. One who is very sad shrinks nat- 
urally from going into gay society for the 
first few months after bereavement. The 
contrast of the gaiety with the mourner’s 
feelings must, of necessity, cause her pain. 
To such an one we need suggest no rules. 
To those less sensitive or less imhappy, it 
would be well to say that deep black and 
festive occasions do not form a good com-^ 
bination. While one wears crape and a 
long veil one should shun receptions, opera 
boxes, teas, and all such places. Later, as 
one lightens one’s mourning, one may at- 
tend the theater, small functions, and in- 
formal affairs. Even the very sad may go 
to the theater when they would shrink 
from attending an affair at which they 
would meet strangers and where they 
would be obliged to laugh and be gay. 

242 


THE HOUSE OF MOURNING 


After the first few months of conven- 
tional retirement are past the sufferer 
must decide for herself what she may and 
may not do. We would add, rather as a 
suggestion than as a law of etiquette, that 
the onlooker forbear to judge of the be- 
havior of the recently-bereaved. The heart 
knoweth its own bitterness, and if that 
bitterness can be sweetened by some genial 
outside influence, let others hesitate to 
condemn the owner of the heart from 
seeking that sweetness. Those whom we 
have lost, if they were worth loving, 
would be glad to know that our lives were 
not all dark. 


243 


XXI 


AT TABLE 

Rules for setting the table change from 
year to year, so it is not possible to give 
many directions for laying the board. 
Fine table-cloth and napkins of pure 
white are always en regie ^ and the great- 
est care must be bestowed upon the proper 
laundering of these. At the right of each 
place stand the water glass and the wine 
glasses, if these last are used. To the 
right of the plate is the knife, to the left, 
the fork. The folded napkin is laid on 
the right-hand side of the knife. The 
soup and dessert spoons may be placed at 
the right of the knives, or horizontally 
across the table at the upper side of the 
plate. At breakfast and luncheon the 
bread-and-butter plate, holding a small 

244 


AT TABLE 


knife, stands at the end of the forks on the 
upper left hand side of the place. 

The matter with which we have espe- 
cially to do just now is the manners of the 
eater. The table may be simply or elabo- 
rately laid, as circumstances and taste dic- 
tate. It goes without saying that every 
housekeeper will have her board as at- 
tractive in appearance as possible, and 
that she will never omit the bowl or vase 
of flowers from the center of it. If her 
purse will not allow this decoration in 
mid-winter she may substitute a potted 
plant or a vase containing a few sprays 
of English ivy, or Wandering Jew. 

The men never sit down until the 
women are seated. Each man draws out 
for her the chair of the woman who sits 
next him. Even in the quiet home-life 
this practice should be observed, and hus- 
band or sons must always draw from the 
table the chair in which the wife or mother 


245 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

is to sit, and remain standing until she is 
seated. As soon as all are at the table the 
napkin is unfolded and placed across the 
knees. It need not be opened wide, unless 
it is a small breakfast or luncheon servi- 
ette. When the hostess begins to eat, the 
others follow her example. All food must 
be eaten slowly, and, above all, noiselessly. 
Many a fastidious person has had her en- 
joyment of her soup spoiled by the audi- 
ble sipping of it by her vis-a-vis or her 
next neighbor. The soup should be lifted 
from the plate by an outward sweep of the 
spoon, and taken quietly from the side, 
not the tip, of the spoon. It is bad form 
to break bread or crackers into the soup, 
and the plate containing the liquid should 
never be tipped in order to obtain every 
drop of the contents. 

Fish is not to be touched with the knife. 
There is reason for this. The cutting of 
some delicate sea-food with a steel knife 
246 


AT TABLE 


affects the flavor of it, and renders it less 
delicate. The flesh is so tender that it may 
be cut with a silver fork, and this is the 
only implement permitted in its manipu- 
lation. The same rule applies to salads, 
which are never, by the followers of con- 
ventionality, touched with the knife. Let- 
tuce is, before serving, broken into bits of 
a convenient size to be carried to the 
mouth. If this is not done, the eater 
should cut it with the side of the fork, or 
fold each bit over into a convenient size 
for eating. 

It should not be necessary to remind 
people in this day of decent behavior that 
the knife must only be used for the pur- 
pose of cutting the food. When it has 
fulfilled this duty, being wielded by the 
right hand, the food being held in place 
by the fork in the left, the fork is then 
taken in the right hand, and the knife 
laid, with the edge turned outward, across 
247 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE . 

the back of the plate. It is generally sup- 
posed that all classes know the use of the 
knife, yet in a fashionable restaurant 
there recently sat a handsomely-attired 
woman carrying French pease to her 
mouth with the blade of her knife! 

It is an atrocity to pile several kinds of 
food upon the fork, mold them into a 
small mound with the knife, and then 
“dump” the load into wide-open jaws. 
Each kind of viand should be lifted, a 
small bit at a time, upon the fork. Masti- 
cation should be absolutely noiseless, and 
the process conducted with the lips closed. 

Bread, even when hot, may be broken 
off, a small piece at a time, buttered upon 
the plate, then eaten. All hot bread should 
be torn open or broken with the fingers, 
never cut into bits. To butter a slice of 
bread by laying it upon the table or, more 
disgusting still, upon the palm of the 
hand, is a relic of barbarism. 

248 


AT TABLE 


A mouthful must never be so large as 
to make it impossible for the eater to 
speak if a question be addressed to him 
while he is disposing of it. Nor can too 
great stress be laid upon the duty of slow 
eating and thorough mastication of all 
kinds of food. Not only does it add to the 
grace of the table-manners, but it pre- 
vents indigestion. 

Never touch the food on the plate with 
the fingers, to push it upon the fork. If 
anything must be used for this purpose, 
let it be a bit of bread, but, if possible, 
dispense altogether with assistance of any 
kind. The fork should be equal to getting 
up all that is absolutely essential, and 
comfort does not depend upon securing 
every particle of meat or vegetables with 
which the plate is supplied. 

Every year the spoon has fewer uses, 
and the fork has more. Now, when it is 
possible, desserts are taken with the fork 
249 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

where a spoon used to be employed. Pie, 
cake, ice-cream and firm puddings, with 
all kinds of fruit, are eaten with the fork. 
Of course the spoon is still essential for 
semi-solids, such as custards, creams, and 
jellies. 

There are a few things which one is al- 
lowed to eat with the fingers, besides 
breads of all varieties. Such are Sara- 
toga chips, olives and small bird-bones, — 
these last to be taken daintily in the fin- 
ger-tips. It is no longer considered good 
form to eat asparagus with the fingers, 
although some very well-bred persons still 
do it. It is certainly an ugly sight to wit- 
ness one’s opposite neighbor eating as- 
paragus in this manner. It is possibly not 
so unattractive as to see him eat com from 
the cob. But no better way of disposing 
of this last vegetable has as yet been in- 
vented. 

At breakfast, one may drink coffee 

250 


AT TABLE 


with sugar and cream, but when black, or 
after-dinner coffee is served in a small 
cup, which is known as a demi-tasse^ 
cream should be omitted. To ask for this 
when it is not on the table is the height of 
rudeness. One should learn to drink his 
after-dinner coffee without cream. Sugar 
is, of course, permissible. There is sense 
in this dictate of fashion, as in many of 
the other rules laid down by this dicta- 
torial dame. The coffee taken at the end 
of a hearty meal is intended to act as a 
“settler” to the repast and to aid the work 
of digestion. This it does much more 
easily when clear than when “qualified” 
with milk or cream. 

After the salad course at a dinner, and 
before the dessert is brought in, the wait- 
ress removes the crumbs from the table, 
using a tray and folded napkin for this 
purpose. When she does this it is bad 
form for the guest to lay in the tray any 
251 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


bits of bread that may be left at his place 
or to assist the waitress by moving his 
glass, salt-cellar, or any other article that 
may be left on the table. A good waitress 
should remove salt-cellars, pepper-cruets, 
and such articles, before crumbing the 
table, leaving only the glasses at each 
place. It is her business to do all this so 
quietly and deftly that the guests are 
scarcely conscious of it. To further this 
end, let the whole aff air be attended to by 
the waitress, and do not seem to notice any 
lapses on her part. 

At the end of the meal the finger-bowls 
are used. The ends of the fingers are 
dipped in the water, and the lips touched 
with these; then mouth and hands are 
wiped upon the napkin which is left, un- 
folded, at the side of the plate, if one is 
taking only one meal in the house. If a 
longer stay is expected, he may watch his 
hosts to see what they do with their nap- 
252 


AT TABLE 


kins, and follow their example in dispos- 
ing of his. 

Dinner over, the hostess makes the 
movement to rise, and she, with the other 
ladies, proceeds to the parlor. There they 
are joined later by the gentlemen. At an 
informal or family dinner, the men and 
women may leave the table together, the 
men standing aside to let the women pass 
out first, and in the drawing-room cigars 
may be lighted by the men after they have 
asked permission of the women to smoke. 

All the above rules with regard to the 
company dinner apply to the family din- 
ner as well. One can not be too careful in 
observing the laws of table etiquette in 
the family circle if one would be at ease 
in company. 

One warning I would give to the 
hostess or home-maker: Do not apologize 
unless necessary! If a dish is a signal 
failure, say with an apologetic smile that 
253 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

you regret that such a thing was spoiled 
in the baking, or that you fear the meat is 
very rare, and, unless the matter can be 
remedied, let it go at that. You but em- 
barrass your guests and put them to the 
disagreeable necessity of reassuring you, 
if you dwell upon the matter. And if a 
guest drop a cup, or upset a glass, or have 
any other accident, he should apologize in 
a few sincere words, and then say no more 
about the matter. If he choose to do so, 
he may, after dinner, speak in an aside to 
his host, and express his regret at his care- 
lessness. 

The host should never insist that one he 
served a second time to any dish after it 
has been positively declined. To do this is 
rude and no less disagreeable to the object 
of the attention because it is kindly meant. 
At a formal dinner one is not served a 
second time to any dish, but at an infor- 
mal dinner, what are called “second 


254 


AT TABLE 




helps,” are quite permissible and convey 
a subtle compliment to the hostess. When 
a plate is sent back to the carver for a 
fresh supply of meat, the knife and fork 
should be laid side by side upon it, not 
held in the hand, as some persons insist. 
And when one has finished eating, the 
knife and fork are laid in the same man- 
ner upon the plate. 

The napkin must never be tucked into 
the neck of gown or shirt, nor must it be 
fastened to the belt or the waistcoat-but- 
ton. After one leaves the nursery one 
should be able to eat without a bib. 


255 


XXII 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is 
he,” declares the Book of books. And as 
a man is in his home, so will he be abroad, 
when the “company manner” rubs off. 

One frequently becomes involved in 
some quite unexpected circumstance that 
scratches off the beautiful surface-color- 
ing, if it be only as deep as the hue on the 
stained wood. 

The manner that one puts on when one 
goes into a friend’s house, or dons when 
one is “in company,” is what may be called 
“adjustable courtesy.” If it is not made 
of the best material it seldom fits well. 

Not long ago a friend drove with us by 
the house of a man whose society manners, 
when first seen, call forth admiration. 

1256 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

Upon this particular spring afternoon, he 
sat upon the veranda of his home. As we 
approached, and he met our glance, he 
sprang to his feet, bowed low, and re- 
mained standing until we had passed. 

“What a pretty attention to pay to two 
women!” we exclaimed. 

Our friend gave a significant shrug, 
and called our notice to the fact that the 
man’s wife had, before we came by, driven 
up to the end of the veranda, and that she 
was, unaided, climbing from a high trap 
in which she and her two little girls had 
been driving, while her husband lolled at 
ease in a steamer chair. It took the pres- 
ence of a woman who did not belong to 
him to bring him to his feet. Looking 
back, after we had passed, we noted that 
he had again resumed his lounging atti- 
tude, and that his wife was lifting the 
second child from the carriage. 

Such is adjustable courtesy! It is not 
257 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


an everyday garment, and is, conse- 
quently, only worn to impress strangers. 

No one can afford to do the injustice to 
his better self of allowing himself to be- 
come careless toward those with whom he 
lives, or to neglect the small sweet courte- 
sies that should be found in the home, 
if anywhere. It is the home etiquette that 
makes the public etiquette what it should 
be. This reminder can not be repeated too 
often. 

In many houses the men forget to show 
the respect due to the wife, mother 
and sisters. Parents should train their 
sons to stand when a woman enters the 
room, and to remain standing until she sits 
down. The considerate husband rises and 
offers his wife the easy-chair in which he 
is seated. She, knowing that he is weary 
after a hard day at the office, will not take 
the chair, but she will appreciate the little 
attention, and love him the better for it. 


258 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

In the same way it is always the place of 
a man to stand aside and let a woman pass 
out or into a room before himself. Going 
down a flight of stairs, the man goes first, 
so that in case the woman trips, he may 
catch her. In ascending the steps, she 
precedes him. 

In the talk on table etiquette, we have 
touched on many points, but not on 
certain things that seem too petty to be 
mentioned, as it is not supposed that per- 
sons of polite breeding need to be re- 
minded of them. It is only when one looks 
in on the home-life of some so-called 
“nice” people that one feels that perhaps 
after all to call attention to these points 
would not be superfluous. 

One of these is the use of the toothpick. 
To wield this in company is barbarous ; to 
produce it at table is disgusting. The idea 
of having a glass full of toothpicks upon 
the family board is as disagreeably sug- 
259 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

gestive, and more disgusting, than would 
be the presence of a bowl of water, 
flanked on one side by a cake of soap, on 
the other by a wash-cloth. Cleansing of 
all parts of the body should take place in 
the privacy of one’s own apartment or in 
the bath-room. 

Tipping back the chair at table or in 
company is bad form. One small child 
was broken of this habit when she lost her 
balance while swaying backward from the 
table on the two hind-legs of her chair, 
and gave her head a furious bump on the 
floor. Sobbing, she was lifted to her feet, 
and met the stern gaze of her father. 

‘T am very glad,” he said, “to see that 
you are badly enough hurt to be reminded 
never to tip your chair again. It is rude ! 
If some grown persons I loiow had re- 
ceived a similar lesson in childhood, they 
might not offend the taste of others as 
they now do.” 


260 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

Taking butter from one’s butter-plate 
with the tip of a fork that has been al- 
ready in one’s mouth is another disagree- 
able trick. The like may be said of the 
same way of helping oneself to salt. If a 
small butter-knife and salt-spoon are not 
provided, the tip of the knife may be used 
in their stead. 

Bolting food and pushing back one’s 
chair without the preliminary and apolo- 
getic “Excuse me!” is the custom of some 
otherwise estimable householders. It 
would be better to eat less, if one’s time be 
limited, and eat slowty, as food thus 
taken in a rush is of small use in the in- 
ternal economy. A few mouthfuls, well 
masticated, will possibly do more good, 
and certainly produce less discomfort, 
than three times as much swallowed in in- 
digestible chunks. And after the short 
repast has been partaken of, let the mas- 
ter of the house set the example of com- 
261 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

mon decency by uttering the conventional 
“Excuse me!” 

One hopes that it would be a difficult 
matter to find anybody so far obli\dous of 
ordinary good manners as to clean his 
nails in the dining-room, but, let us blush 
to say it! one does meet many men who 
clean and pare their nails in the presence 
of family and intimate friends. Perhaps 
it is due to the fact that a woman does 
not carry a pocket-knife that she is sel- 
dom seen doing this. Her manicure in- 
struments are kept upon her dressing- 
table, and it is in her own room that she 
performs this very necessary part of her 
toilet. Not so her liege lord. After 
washing his hands up-stairs, he descends, 
open knife in hand, and, sitting down in 
drawing-room or library, surrounded by 
his family, proceeds to perform scaven- 
ger-work upon his nails. He will some- 
times file them also, oblivious of the fact 
262 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

that the sound of the file produces a like 
rasping effect on the nerves of some be- 
holders. If a contingency arises that 
makes it necessary for a man to clean his 
nails in public, or in the presence of his 
family, let him have the grace to murmur 
an apology and turn his back during the 
operation. 

Another rudeness that a man will per- 
petrate in his own home, from which he 
would shrink in the home of another per- 
son, is that of wearing his hat in the pres- 
ence of women. Every mother should 
train the small boy of the house to remove 
his hat as soon as he enters the front (or 
back) door. To do this will then become 
second nature, and it would not be proba- 
ble that he could ever be guilty of the 
rudeness of standing in hall or parlor and 
talking to mother, sister or other feminine 
relative with his hat on his head. One 
mother at least positively refuses to hear 
263 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

what her little son has to say if he ad- 
dresses her with his head covered. One 
may regret that with older men other 
women have not the like courage of their 
convictions. A man’s hat is so easily re- 
moved we wonder just why he should 
leave it on in the house, even if he is go- 
ing out again in a moment. The man 
whose courtesy is not of the adjustable 
type will not do this, and these remarks 
are absolutely superfluous as far as he is 
concerned. 

Nor will it be necessary to remind him 
to pick up the handkerchief, thimble, scis- 
sors or book that the woman in his pres- 
ence lets fall, — even if she be his wife. 
To assist the feminine portion of human- 
ity comes natural to the thoroughbred. 

And just here I would say a word to 
the young person of the so-called weaker 
sex. It is to remind her that she, as well 
as her brother, owes the duty of respect to 
264 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

her elders. She is too prone to think that 
the boys of the family should rise for the 
older people, should remain standing un- 
til parents are seated, and should always 
be ready to run errands, or to deny them- 
selves for their seniors. The duty to do all 
these things is incumbent on the girl or 
woman in the presence of those who are 
her elders or superiors. The girl or young 
matron who reclines in an easy-chair, 
while her grandparent, mother, father, or 
woman-guest stands, is as guilty of rude- 
ness as her brother would be were he to do 
the same. 

It is not on the men alone that the 
etiquette of the home depends. Indeed it 
is the place of the mother to see that little 
lapses in good breeding are not over- 
looked. And she is the one who should, by 
her unselfishness, her gentle courtesy, and 
unfailing politeness in even the smallest 
items, show forth the spirit of true kind- 
265 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ness, on which all good manners are 
founded. 

We are all united in thinking that a 
well-trained voice ministers to the happi- 
ness of those about in a rare degree. Yet it 
is too infrequently remembered that the 
place to cultivate clear enunciation, low 
tones and amiable inflections is at home. 
Teachers in elocution and voice culture 
may do a large part in bringing out latent 
powers, but the foundation for the culture 
of the speaking voice should be laid at 
home. High, shrill voices, choppy pronun- 
ciation, a nervous speaking manner will 
render unattractive spoken matter of a 
high mental quality. Mothers should be- 
gin early and work late on this important 
matter of cultivating the voices of their 
children. 

Respect for books is one of the lessons 
to be taught in a properly regulated house. 
And by this phrase, I do not mean respect 
266 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

for the contents. That goes without say- 
ing. I mean respect for the proper care of 
those best ministers to minds and souls. 
Children should be taught to handle books 
carefully, to cut the leaves properly, to 
open books without breaking the leaves 
apart at the back. They should be in- 
structed not to soil or to mark them and to 
put them back in place when not in use. 

The person who lends books should 
keep a list of these, and it is not discour- 
tesy if the volumes lent are not returned 
within a reasonable length of time to ask 
for them. Many people who are quick to 
borrow are careless about returning. The 
standard of ethics in regard to returning 
books is with many people as low as the 
general standard in regard to the return 
of umbrellas. A book-plate is a great aid 
to the possessor of a library in keeping it 
together. Moreover, a pretty book-plate 
seems to give a touch of individuality to 
267 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

one’s volumes. The next best thing to in- 
dividual bindings and tooled leather is this 
slighter mark of identity in one’s library. 

One thing that makes for peace and 
etiquette in the home is the recognition of 
the rights of others. For this reason one 
member of the family should never in- 
quire into another’s correspondence, into 
his engagements, social or otherwise, or 
ask questions even of his nearest and 
dearest. The fact that a man is one of a 
family, every member of which is dear to 
him, does not mean that he has no indi- 
viduality, or that he must share the secrets 
of his friendships or business matters with 
any one. He should always feel in the 
home that any confidences he may care to 
give are most welcome, but that such con- 
fidences are never demanded or expected. 

In recognizing these rights of others, 
one must remember that each person’s own 
room is sacred to himself. It is inexcusa- 
268 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 

bly rude for one member of a family to 
enter the room of any other member with- 
out first knocking at the door and receiv- 
ing permission to ‘‘come in.” Each human 
being should feel that he has one locality 
that belongs to him, where he can be alone 
unless he decrees otherwise. To further 
this end the wife should knock at her hus- 
band’s door before she enters his room, 
and the husband should show her the same 
consideration, while brothers and sisters 
should always give the warning tap, which 
is virtually a request for permission to 
enter, before opening the door that the oc- 
cupant of the room has closed. 


269 


XXIII 


IN PUBLIC 

The subject of this chapter is so large 
that we almost despair of doing more 
than touch on a few of the many points 
it should cover. 

Perhaps it would be well to give first a 
few rules for that most public of places, 
— the street. 

The question as to the etiquette of rais- 
ing the hat is one that demands attention, 
— and yet the rules are simple. 

A man always uncovers his head com- 
pletely when he returns a woman’s bow. 
He does the same when he meets a man he 
knows walking with a woman, whether she 
be known to him or not. When a man is 
walking or driving with a woman and she 
bows to a man or woman she meets, her es- 
270 


IN PUBLIC 


cort lifts his hat. On parting with a 
woman he bares his head. If he stand and 
talk with her, he should hold his hat in his 
hand unless she asks him to cover his head, 
or unless the day be cold, — in which case 
he says, “Will you pardon me if I put on 
my hat?” Then, when he leaves her, he 
again uncovers. 

As a safe rule in whist is, “When in 
doubt, lead trumps,” so a safe rule for a 
man in public would be, “When in doubt, 
take oif your hat.” 

When a man meets a woman on the 
street, and wishes to talk with her for a 
moment, he should, if time allow, turn 
and walk a little way with her, rather than 
stop and thus hinder her. If he have a 
business engagement that makes this im- 
possible, he should apologize for not do- 
ing so, in a few words, as — “Pardon me 
for not walking with you instead of stop- 
ping you, but my train leaves in fifteen 
271 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

minutes,” or, ‘‘I have an appointment in 
ten minutes.” 

On a cold day, when a man stands talk- 
ing with a woman with his head uncov- 
ered, she should say, “Pray put on your 
hat! I am afraid you will catch cold.” He 
should accede to her request, saying 
“Thank you!” as he does so. 

It is a woman’s place to bow first, when 
she meets a man. Unless they are old 
friends, the man does not lift his hat until 
he has received this sign of recognition 
from a woman. 

When men meet each other on the street 
they may recognize each other as they 
please, — ^by a nod, a wave of the hand, or 
by touching the hat. For a man to touch 
his hat to a woman is an insult, unless he 
be a servant — as a coachman receiving 
an order from his mistress — when he ac- 
knowledges the order by touching the 
brim of his hat with his hand. Did more 
272 


IN PUBLIC 


men appreciate that they were giving the 
‘‘coachman’s salute” to a woman, mortifi- 
cation rather than courtesy might prevent 
a repetition of the offense. 

When a man is a woman’s escort and 
they board a street-car, she should, with- 
out comment, allow him to pay her fare. 
When they get on the same car by chance, 
she should make the move to pay her fare, 
but if the man hands the money to the con- 
ductor before she does so, she should 
simply bow and say “Thank you!” To 
dispute about who shall pay car-fare is 
bad form. 

A man helps a woman on the car, put- 
ting her on ahead of himself. In getting 
off, he goes out first, and then helps her 
out. 

When all seats are taken in a car and a 
woman enters, a gentleman will rise and 
give her his seat, lifting his hat as he does 
so, which courtesy she should always ac- 
273 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

knowledge by saying “Thank you!” cor- 
dially and audibly. 

If the car be full and a woman enters 
carrying a baby in her arms, any girl or 
young matron present should resign her 
seat to the burdened passenger, unless 
some masculine passenger has manliness 
enough to do so. To the credit of human 
nature be it said that we have never seen a 
mother with a child in her arms stand for 
two minutes, no matter how crowded the 
car might be. 

Of course a young woman should re- 
sign her seat to an elderly woman, as she 
will do the same for a very old or infirm 
man. 

The custom of a man and a woman 
walking arm-in-arm at night is rapidly 
falling into disuse. For couples to walk 
in this way in the daylight has not been 
customary for years, unless the woman be 
so aged or invalided as to need the sup- 
274 


IN PUBLIC 


port of her escort’s arm. Now, even after 
dark, there is hardly any need of a man’s 
arm for a woman’s guidance in the bril- 
liantly-lighted streets. If the couple be 
walking through a poorly-illuminated 
street, or on a country road, or climbing a 
steep hill, the man offers the woman his 
arm. He should also do this at night when 
he holds an umbrella over her head. Even 
in the daylight when they cross a crowded 
thoroughfare together he should lightly 
support her elbow with his hand to pilot 
her over. He should never, unless they be 
members of the same family, take her arm 
in order to guide her. 

In public a man must never attract a 
woman’s attention by clutching her arm, 
or — odious action ! — ^by patting her on the 
shoulder or back. If there is such a noise 
about them that the mere speaking her 
name in a low voice will not reach her ears, 
he may respectfully touch her on the arm 
275 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

saying at the same time, “Excuse me, 
please!” Personal liberties are always in 
poor taste, but never more vulgar than in 
a place where they are noted by all ob- 
servers. 

If a man escort a woman home, she 
may utter a brief “Thank you!” to him 
on parting with him. Profuse expres- 
sions of gratitude on such an occasion 
are bad form. On parting from him 
after he has taken her to the theater, 
opera, or any other entertainment, she 
may, when she bids him good night, say 
cordially, “I am indebted to you for a 
very pleasant evening,” and, if she v/ish, 
she may add, “We shall be glad to have 
you call at any time.” 

A man must never linger at a woman’s 
door to utter his good-bys, or to speak a 
few final sentences. Doorstep chats may 
do for nurse-maids and their attendants. 
They are out of place in higher circles. A 
276 


IN PUBLIC 


man rings the bell for the woman he is ac- 
companying, and, if it be too late for him 
to enter the house for a few minutes, re- 
moves his hat, says good night, and takes 
his leave. 

So much fun has been made of the cus- 
tom that some women have of kissing each 
other in public places on meeting and 
parting, it is surprising that even gush- 
ing girls still adhere to the ridiculous 
fashion. If people must embrace, let it be 
in the sanctity of the home, or where there 
are no amused observers. If a kiss has no 
meaning, then let Fashion do away with 
it; if it means tender affection, it is too 
sacred a token to be exchanged where doz- 
ens of people may look on and comment 
on it. It is hardly too sweeping an as- 
sertion to make when one says that among 
mere acquaintances, kisses are best emit- 
ted altogether. Do let us have some 
method of salutation for those we really 
277 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

love that is not given as frequently and 
freely to every chance acquaintance or 
casual friend! One woman declares that 
beyond her relatives there is no grown 
person she willingly kisses, except two 
women whom she has known for years, 
and she respects them too much to em- 
brace them in the presence of an unsym- 
pathetic world. A warm hand-clasp will 
suffice imtil the people who love each other 
can be alone. 

Of course there are exceptions to this 
rule, as to many others. When a man puts 
his family upon the train or boat which is 
to carry them from him, he will uncover 
his head, and kiss each one of the beloved 
group. Many other such exceptions will 
suggest themselves. Common sense and 
good taste should keep one from making a 
mistake in these matters. 

It is in wretched form for a man to 
speak of a woman by her first name when 
278 


IN PUBLIC 


talking to casual acquaintances. It is as 
bad form, or nearly as bad, for a woman 
to speak of a man by his last name, as 
^‘Brown” or “Smith.” It takes very little 
longer to say “Miss Mary” or “Mr. 
Brown,” and the impression produced is 
worth the extra exertion. Nor, unless they 
be members of the same family, does a 
man address a girl by her first name in a 
crowd of outsiders. In her home, she may 
be “Mary” to him. In public, let him ad- 
dress her as “Miss Smith.” 

One of the most annoying of habits in- 
dulged in in public is that of being late at 
the theater. It is trying to have to lose 
whole lines of a play while one rises, gath- 
ering up bonnet and wraps to do so, to al- 
low the belated person to pass who sits 
beyond one. It is a pity that theater-goers 
do not take more pains to show each other 
the kindness of being in their places be- 
fore the curtain rises. 

279 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

In entering a theater, the man stands 
aside to allow the woman to go into the 
door ahead of him, then steps forward to 
show his tickets to the usher, at the same 
time taking two programs from the table, 
or from the boy holding them. The cou- 
pons are handed back to the man, and 
kept by him, in case any mistake should 
arise with regard to the seats. Then the 
woman follows the usher down the aisle, 
followed by her escort. It is well for both 
men and women to remove their coats 
and wraps, either in the vestibule of the 
theater or before going into their seats. 
After sitting down, the woman takes off 
her hat and holds it in her lap through- 
out the performance. 

The same rules hold good with regard 
to a musicale or a concert, except that at 
these entertainments a woman does not re- 
move her head-covering. 

I wish there were any chance that any- 
280 


IN PUBLIC 


thing anybody might say could impress 
on American women that their habit of 
talking or, worse still, whispering, during 
a musical performance is abominably 
rude! Let those who have suffered by this 
almost universal practice testify to the 
misery it causes. To have one’s favorite 
passage from a beloved composer marred 
by “Now this is where he dies, you know,” 
or “Just hear the thunder in that orches- 
tra, and now just listen to the chirping of 
the dear little birds!” or, — “I don’t think I 
can lunch with you to-morrow, dear, but 
perhaps the next day,” “Do you think 
those long coats are becoming to short 
women?” — who that has undergone the 
agony of being in the vicinity of such a 
talker can fail to utter a fervent “Amen” 
to the frenzied petition that they be sup- 
pressed? 


281 


XXIV 


ETIQUETTE OF HOTEL AND BOAEDING- 
HOUSE LIFE 

There is no better place than a hotel in 
which to study the manners, or lack of 
manners, of the world at large. It is here 
that selfishness is rampant, and unselfish- 
ness hides its diminished head. 

Before we discuss the ethics of hotel 
life it will be well to give a few general 
directions as to what one does from the 
time he enters the door of the building 
which will, for a long or short time, he his 
place of abode. He proceeds at once to 
the office, makes known his desires with re- 
gard to a room or rooms, and writes his 
name in the register handed to him by the 
clerk. He is then assigned to his room, 
and a porter directs him thither, carrying 
282 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 

hand luggage. To this porter he hands 
his trunk-check, and the trunk is soon 
brought to his room. 

Upon the inside of the door in every 
hotel-room is tacked a set of rules of the 
house, and these are in themselves suffi- 
cient to instruct our uninitiated traveler in 
what is expected of him. He here learns 
that the hotel is not responsible for val- 
uables left on the bureau or table of the 
room, that the guest is requested to keep 
his trunk locked, and to lock his door 
upon going out, and to leave his key at 
the office; that valuable papers and jew- 
elry can be left in the safe of the hotel; 
at what hours meals are served, and so on. 
All these directions the considerate person 
will observe. None of them is unreason- 
able. There are many things for which 
no printed rules are given which are none 
the less essential to the correctness of de- 
meanor on the part of a guest. 

283 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Loud talking is one of the things to be 
avoided. One must remember that in a 
hotel more than in any other place is the 
warning of the Frenchman likely to be 
proved true, — “The walls themselves, my 
lord, have ears!” Each room has an- 
other room next to it, and the partitions 
are thin. The transoms all open upon a 
general hall in which can be heard any 
loud remark spoken in any one of the 
rooms. If one does not discuss affairs 
she wishes kept secret, she must bear in 
mind the fact that other people may he 
annoyed while resting, reading or talking, 
by fragmentary bits of conversation 
wafted to them. At the hotel table one 
must also bear this in mind. Loud talking 
in a public place stamps the speaker as a 
vulgarian, or a person who has seldom 
been outside of his own home, and has 
never learned to modulate his voice. 

On entering a hotel dining-room, the 

284 . 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 


traveler pauses until the head waiter, or 
one of his assistants, indicates a table 
at which he may sit. If this table be too 
near the radiator or window, or otherwise 
undesirable, the guest may courteously 
ask if he can not be placed in another lo- 
cality. When a man and a woman are to- 
gether the man enters the room first, and 
leads the way to the table, on the first 
occasion of their taking a meal at the ho- 
tel. After that, if they occupy the same 
table each day, the woman enters the room 
first and proceeds to her seat, followed by 
the man. He, or the waiter, draws back 
her chair for her and seats her. The man, 
of course, remains standing until she is 
seated. 

The menu card is handed to the man, 
with a pad or slip of paper and pencil. 
Upon this, after discussion with the 
woman, he writes his order. As a rule he 
orders the entire meal, except the dessert, 
285 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

at once. The sweets can be decided on 
later. 

I wish I could impress on the minds 
of persons in a hotel that it is wretched 
form to criticize audibly the viands set be- 
fore them. The person sitting near you is 
not edified to hear you remark that the 
soup is wretched, the beef too rare, the 
coffee lukewarm. If you have any fault 
to find, do so to the waiter and in such a 
tone that other guests can not hear it. 

Above all, do not scold the waiter for 
that for which he is not to blame. He does 
not purchase the meat, nor does he fry the 
oysters. Show him that you appreciate 
this fact, and ask him politely if he can 
not get you a better cut, or oysters that 
are not burned. Some persons seem to 
think that it elevates them in the opinion 
of observers if they complain of what is 
set before them. They fancy, apparently, 
that others will be impressed with the idea 
286 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 

that they are accustomed to so much better 
fare at home than that they now have that 
it is a trial for them to descend to the 
plane on which others are eating. The 
fact of the case is that the person who is 
accustomed to dainty fare, and to even- 
threaded living, is too well-bred to call the 
attention of strangers to the fact. 

While we are on this subject it would 
be well to remind the thoughtless person 
that when he dines with a friend at that 
friend’s hotel, on his invitation, he is 
a guest. It is therefore rude for him to 
comment unfavorably on the dishes on 
the table. When, under such circum- 
stances, a guest says to his host pro tem,j 
“My dear fellow, they do not give you 
good veal here!” or, “Are you not tired of 
the mean butter you eat at this hotel?” he 
is criticizing in an offensive manner the 
best that his host can offer him, since he 
has no house of his own in which to enter- 
287 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

tain. The guest should act as if it were his 
friend’s private table, and forbear to criti- 
cize fare or service. 

One of the often-unconsidered items of 
expense in hotel-life is the “tips” that one 
must give. In no other place is one’s hand 
so often in one’s pocket. A porter carries 
a bag, and he must be tipped; another 
carries up a trunk; he must be tipped; 
one rings for iced water, and the boy 
bringing it expects his ten cents; one 
wants hot water every morning, and in 
notifying the chambermaid of this fact, 
must slip a bit of silver into her palm. The 
waiter at one’s table must be frequently 
remembered, and the head-waiter will give 
one better attention if he finds something 
in his hand after he shows the new arrival 
to a table, and, of course, on leaving, one 
will also give a fee. So it goes! When, 
however, one is staying by the week at a 
hotel, “tips” need be given only once a 
288 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 

week, — unless some unusual favor is 
asked. We may rebel against the custom, 
and with reason. But as not one of us can 
alter the state of affairs, it is well to ac- 
cept it with a good grace, or reconcile 
oneself to indifferent service. 

The matter of children in a hotel is 
one on which so much has been said and 
written that there is little left to say. At 
the first glance one is tempted to resent 
the fact that many hotel proprietors ob- 
ject to having children accompany their 
parents to the public table, and that some 
even demur at their presence in the house. 
Child-lovers have said bitterly that the 
celestial “many mansions” seem to be the 
only abodes in which the little ones are 
welcome, — and all these opinions have a 
great deal of truth on their side. But it is 
not imtil one has undergone the annoy- 
ance of ill-governed children in a house 
where there are no restrictions enforced 


289 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

on them, that one sees the other side of 
the shield. One large boarding-house at a 
fashionable summer resort is popular to 
mothers of large families because the pro- 
prietor does not object to children. A 
guest there last season decided that if that 
were the case said proprietor had no 
nerves. She soon learned that childless 
guests declined to stay at the place. Chil- 
dren raced up and down the long corri- 
dors, screaming as they went ; they played 
noisily outside of bedroom doors; they 
ate like little pigs at the hotel tables. In 
short, they made the house a purgatory 
for all except other children and their 
typical American mothers. 

I say “typical,” but there are two types 
of mothers in this land of ours. One is the 
mother who hands the management of the 
children over to a nurse or several nurses, 
and she is, of course, the rich woman 
whose children see her seldom, and that 
290 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 


not often enough to bother her. The 
other type is the woman who has nerves 
toward all things except her own chil- 
dren’s noise. She is such a doting parent 
that she is, to all appearances, blind and 
deaf to the fact that her own offspring 
drive to the verge of insanity other 
“grown-ups” with whom they come in 
contact. Verily the American youngster 
is having everything his own way in pri- 
vate and public nowadays! Dwellers in 
hotels are to be pardoned if they beg that 
he be kept in private until his parents 
learn to govern him, and by thus doing, to 
show mercy to other people. 

While the rules that govern propriety 
should be adhered to everywhere, there is 
no other place where they should be more 
strictly observed than at the summer hotel, 
or the boarding-house of a fashionable 
watering-place. It may not be an exag- 
geration to state that there are few decent 
291 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

places where they are more openly disre- 
garded. With the trammels of city life 
one seems to lay down an appreciation of 
the fitness of things generally. The free 
intercourse, the rapidly-made acquaint- 
ances, the mingling of many sorts of peo- 
ples in the huge caravansary — tend to 
make us cast aside conventionalities. Hus- 
bands, running down from the city for a 
Sunday with their wives, find them ab- 
sorbed and happy in the gay life about 
them, and quite sufficient unto themselves 
when the husbands return to counting- 
room and office on Monday morning. 
There is always a class of men who, hav- 
ing nothing else to do, are habitues of the 
summer hotel, where they flirt with the 
wives of other men and make themselves 
generally useful and talked-ahout. 

There may be no harm in all this sort of 
thing, but it is well for the discreet 
maiden and matron to avoid gi\dng any 
292 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 


cause for the enemy to blaspheme, — in 
other words, for the gossip to make her- 
self busy and dangerous. To this end, late 
hours in shaded corners of verandas, 
moonlight sails and walks, and beach- 
promenades well on toward midnight, 
are to be shunned. While these are inno- 
cent per se, they give rise to scandal. The 
young girl may always have a chaperon to 
whom to refer as to the properties, but it 
is not the young girl who is most talked 
about. The married woman whose hus- 
band lets her have her own way is a law 
unto herself, and she must be careful 
not to make that law too lax. It takes 
very little to set silly tongues wagging ; it 
takes months and years to check the com- 
motion they have made. 

Promiscuous intimacies at summer re- 
sorts are a great mistake. Unless a woman 
knows all about a fellow guest, she should 
not get in the habit of running into her 
293 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


room, or of talking with her as with a life- 
long friend. She may be pleasant toward 
all, and intimate with none. 

It is a well-known fact that there is no 
other hotbed of gossip equal to a hotel 
or a boarding-house. Women, released 
from the cares and anxieties of house- 
keeping and home-making, turn their 
time and thoughts to fancy work and 
scandal. Each arrival runs the gantlet of 
criticism and comment, and afterward be- 
comes the subject of “confidentiar' con- 
versations upon veranda and in parlors. 
Here, as everywhere else, work that will 
occupy the mind is a sovereign cure for 
this habit. One can usually sit in one’s 
own room, but if one does not, there is 
always a book to be read in parlors or 
on the veranda, w’^hich will show the 
would-be gossip or retailer of scandal that 
one is too much occupied to engage in con- 
versation. 


294 > 


BOARDING-HOUSE LIFE 


Certainly in a hotel no one lives unto 
himself, but each must consider the com- 
fort of his neighbor. Such a semi-public 
life is at the best a poor substitute for a 
home existence. Two rules to be observed 
will make other rules of hotel or boarding- 
house etiquette sink into insignificance 
compared with their importance. 

First : Do nothing that will make 
others uncomfortable. 

Second: Pay attention to your own 
business, and pay no attention to that of 
other people. 


295 


XXV 


ETIQUETTE OF TKAVELING 

The selection of proper receptacles for 
one’s baggage is the first point to be con- 
sidered in making preparations for a 
journey. The trunk-makers offer great 
variety in the material, quality and price 
of their wares. The indispensable requi- 
site of a trunk, whatever be the material 
of its composition, is that it shall be strong. 
Look well to hinges, lock and corners be- 
fore buying. A trunk that will not stand 
wear and tear is not worth having. One 
need not purchase an expensive trunk, but 
one can not afford to purchase a cheap 
one. The material employed must be good, 
though the appearance need not be luxuri- 
ous. If one can afford the price, one may 
find trunks where separate trays are pro- 
296 


ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 


vided for each gown or where indeed 
frocks may be hung at full length and 
come forth at the end of a journey as they 
might come from my lady’s closet. But 
for those who can not or do not care to put 
sizable sums of money into the carriers of 
their clothes, there are good sensible recep- 
tacles at a moderate price. A steamer 
trunk, by reason of its shape and size, is a 
convenient general-purpose piece of bag- 
gage and is especially to be commended 
for short journeys. 

The bag one selects has much to do with 
one’s comfort in traveling. It should be 
large enough to hold a nightrobe, a wrap- 
per, one’s toilet articles, also an extra shirt- 
waist and change of underclothing in case 
of detention. The size of the bag is im- 
portant. It must not be so large that it is 
a burden to carry if necessity compels. It 
must not be so small that the articles men- 
tioned may not rest comfortably and with- 
297 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

out crowding within. As with trunks, so 
in bags, one finds a large variety in values. 
It pays to get a good bag of nice leather, 
conveniently arranged for carrying the 
articles necessary to one’s comfort. Such 
a bag, one that pleases the eye and in 
which one may find one’s things without a 
distracting search for them, gives an 
amount of satisfaction to a traveler be- 
yond the power of words to convey. One 
of the most acceptable gifts that can be 
made to a person who is not of the stay- 
at-home type is a generously fitted travel- 
ing bag. 

One should wear dark inconspicuous 
clothing in traveling, and of a weight suit- 
able to the season of the year. Beflowered 
hats, light gowms, light gloves and jewelry 
are in the worst of taste and proclaim the 
unsophisticated or the parvenu. To be 
dressed comfortably and modestly is the 
aim of the experienced traveler. 

298 


ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 

If possible, it is well on a journey to 
carry with one something more in the way 
of money than one’s traveling expenses. 
One can not tell what emergency may 
arise or what unexpected demands may be 
made upon one. Many women carry the 
funds not immediately in use, in some sort 
of pocket fastened on or made into the 
petticoat they wear. One can buy very 
pretty separate pockets of this sort made 
of leather or one can make them of a stout 
silk fastened down by a clasp on the flap. 
Elaborate preparation in caring for one’s 
wealth is the penalty a woman pays for 
being without pockets in her clothes. 
While it is wise for her to put the funds 
unnessary for immediate use in some such 
safe place as that described, she should not 
keep articles which she may be at any mo- 
ment called upon to deliver, in a spot 
which it is embarrassing for her to reach. 
Train conductors and baggage agents 
299 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

have many a grin and sly smile over the 
woman who must reach under her petti- 
coat before she can deliver up ticket and 
trunk checks. An amusing instance of this 
overcaution, so much more characteristic 
of women than of men, occurs to the 
writer. An acquaintance starting off for 
a European voyage took the most elabo- 
rate means for the hiding of her valuables 
upon her person. In transit she stopped 
the night at a New York hotel and woke 
in the morning to discover, to her horror, 
that she had slept all night with the door 
of her room unlocked and the key on the 
outside. 

A man may, if he chooses, make ac- 
quaintances on a journey, but it is seldom 
de rigueiir for a woman to do so. The ex- 
igencies of travel may sometimes make it 
pleasant for her to render or receive aid 
from another woman or possibly a man; 
and this may be the starting point for ac- 
soo 


ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 


quaintance. As a usual thing, it is best 
for a woman, and particularly for a wom- 
an traveling alone, to avoid all communi- 
cation with strangers, as she can not 
know into what complications it may lead 
her. 

If one is making a journey that com- 
pels night travel, one must secure one’s 
section or half-section in the Pullman or 
sleeper beforehand. In order to get good 
accommodations it is well to do this sev- 
eral days in advance. When one climbs 
aboard a train the porter follows with 
one’s belongings, finds one’s section or 
half -section and deposits the hand lug- 
gage in its place. Some travelers are very 
thoughtless in appropriating more than 
their share of the space appointed for 
wraps, bags, etc. If one has paid for a 
half-section only, one has no right to take 
more than that, unless the other half of the 
section remains imsold. 


301 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

When the announcement is made that 
breakfast, dinner or luncheon, as the case 
may be, is served, the passenger makes his 
way to the diner. If this is crowded he 
must wait his time patiently and with 
courtesy to those about him. Having been 
served he should fee the waiter. The usual 
fee is one-tenth the price of the meal, 
though men, more frequently than women, 
give more than this. 

When the traveler wishes his bed made 
up he should summon the porter and so 
declare. Usually an electric bell between 
the windows of his section will enable him 
to call the porter at any time. If the trav- 
eler is a woman and is for any reason dis- 
satisfied with her berth or section, she may 
consult with the porter about a change 
which, if the car is not full, he is often able 
to arrange for her. For instance, if a 
woman having a lower section finds that 
the upper is to be occupied by a man, it 
302 


ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 

is often possible, by the payment of a 
small sum to the porter, to move her quar- 
ters. 

There are many small offices for which 
one may call upon the porter if so inclined. 
One must, however, keep it in mind that 
he should be rewarded proportionately at 
the end of the journey after he has per- 
formed his last office of brushing one off. 
Fifty cents is a proper amount to give 
him for the usual services rendered in 
twenty-four hours. 

Before leaving one’s berth in the morn- 
ing, one should, as far as possible, get into 
one’s undergarments over which one slips 
a bathrobe or wrapper before going to the 
toilet-room. One should take with one to 
the toilet comb, brush, tooth-brush, clothes- 
brush, wash-cloth, a cake of soap (it is 
never wise to use the public cake) and the 
gown one intends wearing, with its acces- 
sories. Arrived there one should be as ex- 
303 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

peditious as possible in order not to keep 
others waiting. One woman’s selfishness 
in out-staying her time in the toilet-room 
may keep ten others in misery. Nowhere 
is the quality of true courtesy more needed 
than in the toilet-room of a Pullman. 
When one has finished one’s ablutions, 
combed one’s hair and fastened one’s 
gown, one should clean the basin and place 
the soiled towels out of the way. When 
one leaves the room it should be ready for 
the next comer. 

Arrival in a strange city is bewildering 
to a person who has traveled little. There 
are always, however, in the city railway 
stations, bureaus of information where 
one may find out the necessary things. If 
one is desirous of a cab, one may discover 
there the most trustworthy line; or, if a 
car is wanted, what direction one must 
take to find the proper one. Usually the 
traveler, if intending to go to a hotel, will 
S04 


ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 


have made himself acquainted, before ar- 
rival in a city, with the relative value and 
expense of the different ones. A person 
is much better treated at such places if he 
telegraphs ahead for accommodations. If 
a woman arrives in a strange city, unac- 
companied, it is sometimes difficult for her 
to get the hotel accommodations she de- 
sires. At some hotels they will not admit 
unaccompanied women after nightfall. 
Under these circumstances the traveler 
would better go to the hostelries estab- 
lished by the Young Women’s Christian 
Associations, where she may feel certain 
of the character of the place and entertain- 
ment. 

Policemen and station officials are al- 
ways willing to answer the questions of 
perplexed travelers. A little fee some- 
times helps them to speak more eloquently. 
It is not wise to depend upon the chance 
passer-by for information. The person 
305 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

whose business it is to inform you is not 
likely to tell you what is untrue. Of him 
you have a right to expect something. Of 
others you have a right to expect nothing, 
and you may come in for less than the 
value of your expectations. 

The general etiquette of steamboat 
travel does not differ from that on board 
a train. Boat travel is of a more leisurely 
sort and begets somewhat less formality 
as relates to one’s fellow travelers. Other- 
wise the rules of behavior are the same. 

As a parting injunction to the traveler, 
let me say, — don’t look worried, cross and 
over-careful even if you feel that way. 
Courtesy to subordinates will win you at- 
tention and service, will straighten out 
your difficulties more quickly than any 
other method. If you take the ills of trav- 
eling with some sense of humor, with a 
give-and-take spirit, you will get more 
than the benefit of the money your jour- 
306 


ETIQUETTE OF TRAVELING 


ney may cost you. If you do not carry an 
elastic spirit with you, the finest trip that 
ever was planned will bring you little re- 
turn. 


SOT 


XXVI 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

Sport, scientists tell us, is a relic of pre- 
historic pursuits; and the so-called sport- 
ing instinct is a stirring of the primeval 
nature within civilized breasts. Perhaps 
that is why more people forget the first 
tenets of good breeding when competing 
in' various forms of outdoor exercise than 
in nearly all the other walks of life put 
together. 

The man who would view with an amia- 
ble smirk the spilling of a glass of Bur- 
gundy over his white waistcoat at a dinner, 
will often exhibit babyish rage at the 
breaking of a favorite golf-club or the 
stupidity of a caddie. The girl whose 
self -control permits her to smile and mur- 
mur: “It’s really of no consequence!” 

308 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

when a dance-partner’s foot tears three 
yards of lace off her train, will seldom 
show the same calm good-humor when her 
opponent at tennis serves balls that are 
too swift and too hard-driven for her to 
return. 

There are many concrete and a few 
general rules for behavior in sport of all 
sorts, the observance or neglect of which 
denotes the “thoroughbred” or the boor 
far more accurately than would a week 
full of ordinary routine. 

The general rules apply to every form 
of sport. They are, briefly: 

First, last and always — keep your tem- 
per! Remember the word “sport” means 
“pastime.” When it becomes a cause of 
annoyance or impatience, or an occasion 
for loss of temper, it misses its true aim 
and you are not worthy to continue it. 

Second; the “other fellow” has quite as 
much right to a good time as you have. 

309 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


Do not play selfishly, or vaunt your supe- 
riority over him. In all contests, show no 
elation at victory, or chagrin at defeat. 
This is the first and great law. Its ob- 
servance differentiates the true sportsman 
from the mere sporting-man. 

Third; play fairly. The man or girl 
who will take an undue advantage of any 
description over an opponent, not only 
breaks the most sacred rules of good 
breeding, but robs himself or herself of 
the real enjoyment of the game. 

Fourth; no sport in which people of 
breeding can participate demands loud 
talking, ill-bred language or actions, or 
the abridgment of any of the small sweet 
courtesies of life. 

To sum up, — good breeding, fairness, 
self-control and patience are needful 
equipments. Without any and all of 
these no man or woman should take part 
in sports. 


310 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

Golf, perhaps, more than any other out- 
door pastime, demands a thorough and 
judicious blend of the foregoing qualities. 
The old story of the Scotch clergymaUj 
whose conscience would not allow him to 
continue both golf and the ministry, and 
who therefore abandoned the latter, was 
of course an exaggeration. But the idea 
it expresses is by no means absurd. When 
a crowd of people throng the links, — 
when novice and adept, crank and mere 
exercise-seeker are jumbled together in 
seeming confusion — it is not always easy 
to keep a cool head, a sweet temper and a 
resolution neither to give nor to take of- 
fense. 

Many a golf -player errs in behavior less 
through ill-intent than through heedless- 
ness and ignorance of what the etiquette 
of the occasion demands. Such enthu- 
siasts may profit by the ensuing rules 
which cover the more salient points of de- 
311 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

corum, and which may enable the beginner 
to avoid many a pitfall: 

When two players “drive off” from the 
tee they should always wait until the 
couple in front of them have made their 
second shot and walked off from it. Thus 
confusion is averted and the proper dis- 
tance maintained. It is a simple rule, but 
one often broken. 

Three players should always let a pair 
of players pass them. Not only should 
they grant the desired position, hut they 
should offer to do so before the question 
“May we pass?” can be asked. The pair in 
question should (in case such permission is 
not volunteered) ask politely to be allowed 
to move forward. The yell of “Fore!” is 
all the strict rules of the game demand, 
but the rules of breeding should come first. 

A single player must give way to all 
larger parties. This is but fair, since golf 
is, preeminently, a match; and those ac- 
312 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

lively engaged in the contest should have 
the right of way over a man who is merely 
practising. The “single player” must 
recognize and yield with good grace. If 
he desires unobstructed practice, let him 
choose some time when the links are va- 
cant. 

Never drive on the “putting green” 
when other players are there “putting 
out.” Players should not forget to get 
off the green the moment they have “holed 
out.” The place is not intended as an isle 
of safety, or a club-house corner where 
scores may be computed, gossip ex- 
changed, or the work of others watched. 

If you are at the tee waiting for others 
to “drive off,” never speak, cough, or in 
any way distract the attention of the 
player who is addressing the ball. Incon- 
siderate or ill-bred people in this way spoil 
hundreds of good drives and thousands 
of good tempers every year. 

313 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

When a man and a woman are playing 
golf, the latter should always be allowed 
to precede on the first drive off from the 
first tee. 

A man, playing against a woman, 
should not allow himself to get too far 
ahead of her. Do not leave her to plod on 
alone. This same rule applies when play- 
ing with another man. Do not go after 
the ball after a drive until your opponent 
drives. Then walk together in pursuit. 
Never go ahead of your partner. 

Use no undue haste in golf. Never 
run! 

If you are not employing a caddie, al- 
ways offer to carry the clubs of the 
woman with whom you are playing. In 
the same circumstances offer to make the 
tee from which she is to drive off. It is 
optional with her whether or not to accept 
your offer. 

When you have no caddie allow players 
314 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

who have caddies to pass you. They will 
go faster than you and should have the 
right of way. 

Never make unfavorable criticisms of 
others’ play. Never, above all, laugh at 
any of their blunders. 

Automobiling has so increased in popu- 
larity that it is almost a national pastime. 
And with its growing favor has sprung 
up a noxious and flourishing crop of bad 
manners. There seems to be something 
about the speed, the smell of gasolene or 
the sense of superiority over slower ve- 
hicles, that robs many an otherwise well- 
bred automobilist of all consideration. 
Yet the utmost consideration is due, not 
only to mere mortals but to fellow ‘ 'motor- 
men.” 

Common humanity, as well as civility, 
should always prompt a chauffeur to stop 
at sight of a disabled auto and to ask if he 
can be of assistance; to offer the loan of 
S15 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

any necessary tools or extra gasolene; or 
even, if necessary, to volunteer a “tow.” 

Do not presume on the community of 
interests to address the chauffeur or pas- 
sengers of a passing auto, any more than 
the passengers of one ordinary vehicle 
would address those of another. Do not 
stare at another’s car, nor, if at a stand- 
still, examine the mechanism. This is the 
height of rudeness. The fact that you are 
so lucky as to be an automobilist gives you 
no license to investigate the workings of 
another man’s machine, or in other ways to 
make yourself obnoxious. 

When passing an auto of inferior horse- 
power, do not choose that moment to ex- 
hibit your own greater speed. Be careful 
also not to give such a car your dust nor 
(so far as you can avoid) to sicken its oc- 
cupants with the smell of your motor’s 
gasolene. 

Do not boast of the phenomenal runs 
316 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

you have made. You are not a record- 
holder. And when you become one, the 
newspapers will gladly exploit the fact 
without any viva voce testimony from 
you. 

When meeting or passing a horse-ve- 
hicle never fail to shut down speed and, 
whenever possible, to ascertain whether 
or not the horse is afraid of automobiles. 

Do not violate the speed ordinance. The 
ordinance was made for public safety, 
not to spite you. Do not frighten animals 
or pedestrians, nor carelessly steer too 
near to some farmer’s live stock which may 
happen to be in the road. Remember the 
owners of the chickens or dogs you may 
run over is helping to pay for the smooth 
road you are traversing. The road is 
partly his, and you are in a measure his 
guest. 

Tennis offers fewer opportunities for 
“breaks” than do many other of the sports 
317 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

of the hour. Yet good breeding is here as 
necessary as when playing any other 
game. 

If you have a woman for a partner and 
it is her “serve,” do not neglect to pick 
up and hand her the balls before each ser- 
vice. Second her more carefully than if 
she were a man, and take charge of the ex- 
tra balls for her. 

If a woman is your opponent, remem- 
ber she has not the strength and endurance 
of a man. Serve gently. Do not slam 
balls over the net at cannon-ball speed and 
force. Oppose only moderate strength to 
her lesser power. Give her the benefit of 
the doubt in the case of a “let,” or when 
the ball may or may not be over the back 
line. 

In “double service” do not serve the 
second ball until she has recovered her po- 
sition from pursuing the first. The choice 
of rackets should also, of course, be hers; 

318 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

and any work, such as putting up the nets, 
hunting the lost ball, and so on, devolves 
on you. 

The yachtsman is of two classes, — the 
man who delights in the dangers and sea- 
manship incident on a cranky “wind-jam- 
mer” in a heavy sea, and the man whose 
boat is a floating club-house. Both types 
are prone to forget at times that their 
guests are not so enthusiastic as them- 
selves; that they may be nervous or in- 
clined to seasickness, and that the amuse- 
ments of their host may not always ap- 
peal to them. The man who would never 
think of causing inconvenience to a guest 
on land will show impatience or lack of 
sympathy at that same guest’s timidity or 
Trial de mer, when afloat. 

The same rules of behavior that ob- 
tain between host and guest ashore should 
prevail on the yacht. The tastes of the lat- 
ter should be as scrupulously considered, 
319 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

and his or her likes and dislikes be as con- 
siderately met. 

Similar laws of social usages apply to 
boating and canoeing. ‘‘The fool that 
rocks the boat” has received so many warn- 
ings and such just and wholesale con- 
demnation that there is no use wasting 
further words on him. No man who val- 
ues the safety and comfort of his com- 
panion will do anything to imperil either. 
A man should always offer to row, but 
should give the girl who is with him the 
option of doing so if she wishes. He 
should hold the boat steady for her and 
assist her to embark, having previously 
arranged the cushions in the stern and 
made all other possible plans for her com- 
fort. 

The course they are to take should al- 
ways be left to her choice, and her wishes 
should be consulted in every way. A girl 
would also do well to remember that the 
320 


ETIQUETTE IN SPORT 

man who has taken her boating is doing 
all the work and is trying to give her a 
pleasant time. She should meet him half- 
way, and should try to repress any ner- 
vousness she may experience in being on 
the water and any resentment she may 
feel at being occasionally requested by her 
‘‘skipper” to “trim boat.” 

Swimming is essentially a man’s sport. 
While many women are good swimmers, 
they usually lack the strength and en- 
durance to make them men’s equals in this 
line. A man should therefore be careful 
to avoid overtaxing the strength of the 
girl who is swimming with him ; should he 
content to remain near the shore if she so 
desire, and, in surf -bathing, should lift 
her over the breakers, or try to shield her 
from their force. 

In teaching others to swim, infinite pa- 
tience, good temper and tact are needful. 
Allow for the nervousness and awkward- 


321 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ness which are the almost inseparable at- 
tributes of beginners. 

In driving always ask your companion 
if she or he would prefer to handle the 
reins. Do not, by bursts of speed, or by 
“fights” with a fractious horse, endanger 
the safety or composure of your guest. 

In riding horseback, never remain 
mounted when addressing some friend 
who is on foot. If your initial salute is to 
be followed by any conversation, dis- 
mount and remain on foot until you take 
your leave. In helping a girl to the sad- 
dle, always adjust the curb and snaffle, 
hand them to her and arrange her riding- 
habit before you mount your own horse. 

There are countless pitfalls for the un- 
wary in all forms of sport; but none that 
can not be readily bridged by considera- 
tion for others, by good temper, and by the 
commonest rules of breeding. 


822 


XXVII 


MRS. NEWLYRICH AND HER SOCIAL DUTIES 

We have ridiculed our newly-rich wom- 
an’s fads, pretensions and failures so 
sharply and for so long that we find it 
hard to do justice to the solid virtues she 
often possesses. The average specimen is 
fair game, and we — one and all, from the 
gentlest to the most sarcastic — unite in 
“setting her down.” 

Except perhaps the mother-in-law, no 
other woman supplies fun-makers with 
such abundant — and cheap — material. 
She might retaliate on her persecutors 
more frequently than she does by attribut- 
ing much of the ridicule, fine and coarse, 
heaped on her, to envy, far meaner than 
the meanest of her pretensions. 

Thus much for the average specimen at 
323 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

her worst. The exceptions to the ignoble 
parvenu are numerous enough to form 
a class by themselves. It is not a disgrace 
in this country of dizzying down-sittings 
and bewildering uprisings, for miner, 
mechanic, merchant or manufacturer to 
make money fast. It is to his credit when 
he insists that the girl who was poorer 
than himself when they were married, and 
who has kept him at his best physical and 
mental estate ever since by wise manage- 
ment of their modest household — making 
every dollar do the work of a dollar-and- 
a-quarter while feeding and clothing her 
family — should get the full benefit of his 
changed fortunes. In house, furniture, 
clothing, company, and what he names 
vaguely “a good time generally,” he 
means that she shall ruffle it with the brav- 
est of her associates. He means also that 
these associates shall be in accord with 
his means. 


S24 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


The odds are all against the chances 
that our worthy money-maker will con- 
form his personal behavior to the new con- 
ditions. Husbands of his type leave “all 
that sort of thing” to wives and daugh- 
ters, and make the social advancement of 
these women harder thereby. Not the 
least formidable obstacle in their upward 
journey is the stubborn fact that “your 
father is quite impossible.” 

Men, as a whole, do not take polish 
readily. Unless John Newlyrich wore a 
dress-coat before he was twenty-one, he is 
not quite at ease in a “swallow-tail” at 
forty. As a millionaire of fifty, he rebels 
against the obligation to wear it to the 
family dinner every evening in the week. 
If he has read Dickens, which is hardly 
likely, he echoes Mrs. Boffin’s “Lor’! let 
us be comfortable!” He butters a whole 
slice of bread, using his knife trowel-wise, 
and if busy talking of something that 
325 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

interests him particularly, lays the slice 
upon the cloth during the troweling. He 
cuts up his salad, and makes the knife a 
good second to the fork while eating fish. 
Loyal to the memories of early life, he 
never gets over the habit of speaking of 
dinner as “supper,” and observes in con- 
versation at a fashionable reception, “As 
I was eating my dinner at noon to-day.” 
In like absent-mindedness, he tucks his 
napkin into his collar to protect the ex- 
panse of shirt-front exposed by the low- 
cut waistcoat of his dress suit. He says 
“sir,” to his equals, and addresses face- 
tious remarks to the butler, or draws the 
waitress into conversation while meals are 
going on. Anxious wife and despairing 
daughters are grateful if he does not put 
his knife into his mouth when off-guard. 

Trifles — are they? Not to the climbers 
who are exercised thereby. They are 
gravel between the teeth, and pebbles in 
S26 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


the dainty foot-wear of Mrs. Newlyrich. 
The history of her social struggles would 
be incomplete without the mention of this 
drawback. She has learned the by-laws of 
social usage by heart, and, loving and 
loyal wife though she is, she sometimes 
loses patience with John for not doing the 
same. 

In this, and in many another perplexity, 
more or less grievous, our heroine has our 
sympathy and deserves our respect. We 
use the word “heroine” advisedly. We 
have put the wealthy, pushing vulgarian, 
who is part of the stock company of cari- 
cature and joke-wright, entirely out of the 
question. She has her sphere and her re- 
ward. Our business is with the woman of 
worthy aspirations and innate refinement, 
raised by a whirl of Fortune’s wheel from 
decent poverty to actual wealth. She has 
a natural desire to mingle on equal 
terms with the better sort of rich people. 

327 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

She is glad of her wealth, but not purse- 
' proud. It has introduced her to another 
^ world. Of her social life it may be truly 
i said that old things have passed away and 
all things have become new. It would be 
phenomenal if she fitted at once and easily 
into it. Money has bought her fine house, 
and for money the artistic upholsterer has 
furnished it. Money has hired a staff of 
servants, whereas up to now, a maid-of- 
all-work was her sole “help.” 

Money does not enable her to master the 
“shibboleth” that would be her passport 
to the land she would possess. And to 
mangle it into “sibboleth” — as the least 
sophisticated of us know — ^means social 
slaughter at the passages of Jordan. 

Discarding Scriptural imagery for 
modern common sense, let us begin with 
the Newlyrich kitchen, in holding helpful 
counsel with the nominal mistress there- 
of. 


328 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


Engage no servant who patronizes you. 
Give her to understand at the outset that 
you are the head of the house, and know 
perfectly well what you want each one to 
do, and how your household is to be run. 
Be kind with all — familiar with none. 
They are your severest critics. Each is, in 
her way, a spy, but in her own interest. An 
employer who used to be poor, albeit she 
was, at the poorest, far richer than any of 
them will ever be, is a thing to be looked 
down on and bullied. Accept this as a 
basic truth and shape your course in ac- 
cordance with it. Assert yourself with 
dignity , never defiantly. They have noth- 
ing to do with your past, or with any- 
thing connected with your personal his- 
tory beyond the present relation existing 
between you as employer and hireling. 
They will discuss and criticize you below- 
stairs and on “evenings out,” and, in 
the event of “changing their place,” to the 
329 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

next mistress who will stoop to listen to 
them. They would do the same were you 
a princess with a thousand-year-old pedi- 
gree. Stand in your lot and be philosoph- 
ical. 

You can not be too punctilious in not 
questioning them about how “things” 
were done in other houses in which they 
have been employed. Every such query 
will be construed into ignorance and diffi- 
dence. Be a law imto yourself and imto 
them. 

Yet you must learn how the people live 
whom you would meet upon common 
ground as old to them as it is new to you. 
You blush in confessing that you are be- 
wildered as to the order in which the va- 
rious forks are to be used that lie beside 
your plate at the few state dinners you at- 
tend. Entrees are many, and some appal- 
lingly unfamiliar. You wonder mutely 
what these people would think of you if 
S30 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


they knew that you were never “taken 
in” to dinner by a man until to-night, and 
how narrowly you watch the hostess, or the 
woman across the way before you dare ad- 
vance upon the course set before you. 
Dreading awkward stiffness that would 
betray preoccupation, you attract atten- 
tion by a show of gaiety unlike your usual 
behavior and unsuited to time and place. 
Should you make a mistake — such as us- 
ing a spoon instead of the ice-cream fork 
— you are abashed to misery. Don’t apol- 
ogize, however gross the solecism! In 
eighteen times out of twenty, nobody has 
noticed the misadventure. In twenty cases 
out of a score, if it were observed you are 
the one person who would care a picayune 
about it, or ever think of it again. 

Another cardinal principle is to learn 
to consider yourself as a minute fractional 
part of society. When your name is 
bawled out by usher or footman at a large 

SSI 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

party, it sounds like the trump of doom 
in your unaccustomed ears. To your ex- 
cited imagination all eyes are riveted upon 
you. In point of fact, you are of no more 
consequence to the eyes, ears and minds 
of your fellow-guests than the carpet that 
seems to rise to meet your uncertain feet. 
Stubborn conviction of your insignifi- 
cance is the first step that counts in the 
acquisition of well-mannered composure 
among your fellows. 

In forming new acquaintances, be 
courteous in the reception of advances, 
slow in making them until you have rea- 
son to think that you are liked for your- 
self, and not because your husband repre- 
sents six, or it may be seven, numerals. 
There are sure to be dozens of critics who 
will accuse you of parading these figures, 
as vessels fly bunting in entering a 
strange harbor. Stamp upon your mind 
that adventitious circumstance has noth- 


S32 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


mg to do with the worth of you^ your- 
self! 

For a long while after you embark up- 
on your new life, be watchful and studious 
— yet covertly, lest your study be noted. 
Return calls promptly, sending in the 
right number of cards, and bearing your- 
self in conversation with gentle self-pos- 
session. Never be flattered by any atten- 
tion into a flutter of pleasure. Above all, 
do not be obsequious, be the person who 
honors you by social notice a multi-mil- 
lionaire, or the Chief Magistrate of these 
United States. Servility is invariably vul- 
garity. Familiarity is, if possible, a half- 
degree more repulsive. Self-respect and a 
wholesome oblivion of dollars and cents 
are a catholicon amid the temptations of 
your novel sphere. 

When you begin to entertain in your 
turn avoid, scrupulously, startling effects 
and novelties of all kinds. Until you are 
333 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

used to the task, be strictly conventional 
in arrangements for your guests’ recep- 
tion and pleasure. Let floral decorations 
and “souvenirs” be modest and tasteful. 
Mantels banked with orchids, bouton- 
nieres of hot-house roses at a dollar apiece, 
and cases of expensive jewelry as favors, 
may express a generous hospitality on 
your part and a desire to gratify the ac- 
quaintances you would convert into 
friends. They will surely be set down to 
ostentatious display of means that few 
of the guests possess. 

There are Manuals of Etiquette which 
will keep you from open solecisms in so- 
cial usages. F ollow their rules obediently, 
curbing all disposition to originality — for 
a while, at least. If possible, keep the 
greedy society-reporter at a distance, 
without angering her. Do not give away 
the list of those invited, much less the 
menu. As Dick Fanshawe’s eulogist said 
334 ! 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


of men who “jump upon their mothers,’^ 
— “Some does, you know!” 

And thereby they give occasion to the 
afore-mentioned cartoonists and joke-ven- 
ders to deride the name of hospitality dis- 
pensed by the Newlyrich clan. Let the 
aforesaid Manual of Etiquette be fol- 
lowed with obedience, but not with servile 
and unthinking obedience. Unfortu- 
nately it is true that the person unac- 
customed to precise social regulations and 
to a formal manner of living, is inclined to 
consider the rules governing such life as 
arbitrary, inexplicable and mysterious. If 
the uninitiated woman will disabuse her- 
self of this idea, she has taken a long 
step in the right direction. Once you 
make a conquest of the thought that there 
is reason behind the forms employed by 
society, it will not be long before you 
will be searching for the reason itself. 
The laws governing the conventional 
335 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

world will then acquire for you a mean- 
ing that will make adherence to them 
simple and natural, instead of stiff and 
mechanical. 

The matter of discriminating properly 
in questions of taste is a thing much more 
difficult to learn than the set and defi- 
nite rules governing definite exigencies of 
social life. Yet taste, — taste in clothes, 
taste in the objects surrounding one, taste 
in all matters with which expenditure is 
concerned, — this is a necessity in the at- 
tainment of any social position worthy of 
the name. In this direction something 
may be gained by observation, though not 
until the eye is sufficiently trained to make 
it a trustworthy guide. The sense of 
beauty is somewhat a matter of cultiva- 
tion and its application to everyday life 
is the result of experience and judgment. 
Do not imagine that a color is becoming 
to you merely because you happen to like 
336 


MRS. NEWLYRICH 


it. Do not buy a chair or a couch simply 
because the one or the other may happen 
to please your fancy. The color you wear, 
the furniture you buy must have refer- 
ence, the one to your appearance, the other 
to its surroundings. 

When one is unversed in these mat- 
ters it is best to submit problems to an 
authority. It is wiser to allow a clever 
modiste to select the color, style and ma- 
terial of one’s gown than to do it oneself. 
It is better to put the scheme of decora- 
tion for your house into the hands of some 
accomplished person, educated to that end, 
than to attempt it yourself. In large cities 
persons competent in this matter of house- 
hold decoration may easily be found, peo- 
ple whose business it is to act as paid 
agents of the more beautiful and esthetic 
way. Many architects have in their em- 
ploy persons who are capable of ad- 
vising as to interior decoration and of 
337 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

superintending the work. If one is resi- 
dent in a small place the difficulty is ob- 
viated by the intelligent aid offered to the 
questioner through the columns of the 
better magazines devoted to esthetics as 
applied to everyday living. The advice 
given in the best of these publications is 
conscientious, careful, expert advice. 

I have said that it is not your fault that 
you were not born in the purple. Neither 
is it of your merit and to your honor that 
you now walk in silk attire, and may 
freely gratify dreams you would once 
have considered wildly impossible. 

The best of all books enjoins on the sud- 
denly-exalted to be mindful of the pit 
from whence they were digged. Purse- 
pride is contemptible in its meanness and 
folly. You are safe from ridicule if you 
keep this fact in mind. Set up “me” and 
“mine” in • pean * type, and not in capitals. 


338 


XXVIII 


A DELICATE POINT OF ETIQUETTE FOR OUR 
GIRL 

This chapter is, perhaps, rather a Fa- 
miliar Talk with Our Girl on the pro- 
prieties — which she may not recognize as 
such — than the emphasizing of various 
points of etiquette. But the violation 
of the essentials of self-respect is so 
common that a book of this character 
should have a chapter devoted to a bit of 
plain speaking to the young woman of 
to-day. We may call her actions under 
certain circumstances a violation of the 
proprieties, or of etiquette, or of conven- 
tionality. Or, perhaps, it is a sin against 
all three. 

We are accustomed to seeing the sign 
^‘Hands off!” hung upon dainty fabrics, 

S39 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

— pure, spotless materials that would be 
injured and stained by the touching of a 
gloved or bare hand. People who admire 
the pure beauty of the article thus marked 
do not resent the sign. They see the wis- 
dom of it and are willing to obey the man- 
date. For a fabric once soiled never looks 
the same again. All the chemicals in the 
country can not give it the peculiar pris- 
tine freshness that was once its chief 
beauty. 

To those who appreciate the beauty of 
youth, its pure freshness, the thought of 
its being touched by indiscriminate hands 
is abhorrent. 

We have, happily, passed the Lydia 
Languish age, the day in which the yoimg 
girl was a fragile creature, given to faint- 
ing and hysterics, clothed in innocence that 
was ignorance, good because she was 
afraid to he naughty, or because she was 
so hedged in by conventionalities that she 

S40 


A DELICATE POINT 

did not have the opportunity to stray near 
the outer edge of the pasture bars. In her 
place we have a healthy, fearless, clear- 
eyed young person, looking life and its 
possibilities square in the face, good 
because she knows from observation or 
hearsay what evil is, and abhors it because 
it is evil. She is a sister, a chum, a jolly 
companion to the boy or man with whom 
she associates. She rides, walks, golfs or 
dances with him. She may do, and she 
does, all these things and she still keeps 
his respect. 

Thus far we go, and then creeps in the 
sinister question: Does she always do 
this? 

The answer comes promptly: It is her 
own fault if she loses any man’s respect. 

To those of us who have outstepped 
girlhood, who have begun to live deeply 
these lives of ours that are full of potenti- 
alities for good or evil, there comes a keen 

341 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

insight, and, with that insight, our outer 
sight becomes more clear ; and sometimes 
in looking at young people we find our 
hearts, and almost our lips, crying out, 
“Don’t!’’ 

We would not be — we are not — prudes, 
but the bloom of the peach is beautiful, 
and once rubbed off it can not be replaced. 
The snow-white fabric is too fair to be 
carelessly handled. 

Last winter I sat in a train-seat behind 
a girl of eighteen and a young man a few 
years her senior. She was pretty and 
bright. She chatted gaily with her com- 
panion, who, after a few minutes, threw 
his arm over the back of her seat. To the 
initiated, it was evidently done as a trial 
as to whether that kind of thing would be 
allowed. The girl, intent on the conversa- 
tion, appeared not to notice the action. In 
a few moments the hand resting against 
the girl’s shoulder was laid over the 
342 


A DELICATE POINT 


shoulder. The owner flushed, made some 
laughing protest, but evidently adminis- 
tered no rebuke, as the offending member 
continued to rest where it was, then grad- 
ually crept up toward her neck; finally, at 
some teasing remark of hers, it tweaked 
her ear. Had the child been older, the 
look in the man’s eyes as he watched the 
fluctuations of color in her pretty face, 
would have warned her that she was play- 
ing with fire; that his respect for her 
would have been greater had she shown 
in the beginning that the sign, ‘‘Hands 
off!” was on her person, although invisi- 
ble to the vulgar eye. 

This is but one of the many instances 
of the free-and-easy actions on the part 
of men, permitted by well-meaning girls. 

In nine hundred and ninety-nine cases 
out of a thousand a man will not take a 
liberty with a girl unless she allows it. 

I wish girls would bear this fact in 
S43 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


mind! Men are what they make them, 
what they allow them to be. When a 
yoimg fellow told a man in my presence 
last week that such and such a girl was a 
“jolly sort,” and, while out driving, had 
stopped at a roadhouse with him, gone 
into the parlor of the house and taken a 
glass of ginger ale while he had one of 
whisky, I was not surprised that the man 
of the world to whom he imparted this 
fact, remarked, “Crooked, eh?” 

That the young fellow (who, had he 
been older or less easily flattered, would 
not have related the occurrence) flushed 
and laughingly denied the allegation — 
did not alter the fact that the conclusion 
drawn was inevitable. The young girl 
may not, probably did not, deserve the 
stricture passed on her, but by her free- 
and-easy behavior she lost something she 
never can regain. 

Men may pay attention to girls who ig- 
344 


A DELICATE POINT 


nore the conventionalities, who allow them 
doubtful liberties, but they like them be- 
cause they are what they term “fun.” 
Such girls are not those for whom men 
live, for whom they sacrifice bad habits, 
for whom they look in seeking a wife, and 
for whom they would bravely give up life 
if necessary. The true love of a good man 
is worth winning. It is not won by the 
girl who lowers herself to a man’s level. 
To her might apply the time-worn toast 
of man to “The New Woman, — once our 
superior, now our equal.” 

Another point to which I would draw 
the attention of our girl is that the man 
should make the advances, should do the 
seeking and the courting. To this she 
would reply, “Why, of course! All girls 
know that.” They may know it theoreti- 
cally, but does every girl live up to that 
knowledge? Does she always wait to be 
sought, to be won, without taking a hand 
345 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

herself at assisting destiny? I think ob- 
servation will not prove that she does. 

In this very free-and-easy age, when 
men are too busy seeking the elusive 
mighty dollar to be over-eager to show 
marked attention to girls, it is often the 
young woman who pays heed to some of 
the preliminaries of the courting period. 
It is frequently she who suggests to a 
man, after meeting him several times, that 
she would be glad to have him call. It is 
she who, when he is going on a journey, 
asks him if he will not write to her. It is 
she who asks him for his picture and, on 
occasion, offers him one of hers. 

It is, and it has been through centuries, 
the place of the man to take the initiative 
in such matters. If he w^ants to call on 
a girl, let him have the courage to ask her 
if he may do so ; if he wishes to correspond 
with her, he should ask her permission to 
write to her. And if he does none of these 
346 


A DELICATE POINT 


things of his own volition, they may go 
undone. The girl who, through love of 
admiration, or the desire for men’s atten- 
tion, takes these initial steps, loses her 
self-respect, and, unless the man in ques- 
tion be an exceptional instance, awakens 
in his breast a sensation of amused inter- 
est. He is flattered, and a bit contemptu- 
ous. As time goes on and he likes the girl 
more and more, that feeling may be for- 
gotten, but it is always lying there dor- 
mant, and may arise sometime just when 
the young woman would most wish for re- 
spect and love. 

Men prize that which they have had 
difficulty in winning. The apple that 
drops, over-ripe, at one’s feet is never 
quite so tempting as that which hangs just 
beyond reach. 

It is well for the matter of sex to be put 
out of mind in many of the dealings be- 
tween young men and young women, but 

34>7 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

in the question of loverly attentions it can 
not be ignored. And in this matter it is 
the man, and the man only, who should 
make advances. It is better for her peace 
of mind that a girl should never have the 
marked attention of any man, than that 
she should forget her maidenly dignity in 
order to acquire it. Such acquisition is cer- 
tainly not worth the price paid for it. 

A man must look up to that which he 
loves. And a hard-and-fast rule is the 
slangy one that declares that one does 
not rim after a car when he has already 
caught it, or when it stands at the corner 
waiting for him, and ready to start or 
stand at his will. The girls for whom men 
find life worth living are those who are 
ideals as well as companions. 

Dear girls, be happy, be merry, have all 
the harmless fun that the good God, who 
wishes you to be happy, sends your way. 
But for the sake of the man who may one 

34-8 


A DELICATE POINT 


day seek you and win you — for the sake 
of the womanliood that he would honor 
— let all men know that you are labeled — 
“hands off!” and that you are not to be 
cheaply gained. They will love you bet- 
ter, respect and honor you more for that 
knowledge. 


S49 


XXIX 


OUR OWN AND OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN 

Constance Fenimore Woolson, in one 
of her novels, thus describes a discourtesy 
to which mothers of young children are 
much given : 

“Talking with a mother when her chil- 
dren are in the room is the most trying 
thing conversationally; she listens to you 
with one ear, but the other is listening to 
Johnnie; right in the midst of something 
very pathetic you are telling her she will 
give a sudden, perfectly irrelevant smile 
over her baby’s last crow, and your best 
story is hopelessly spoiled because she 
loses the point (although she pretends she 
hasn’t) while she arranges the sashes of 
Ethel and Totsie.” 

There is a protest in the paragraph 

350 


CHILDREN 


quoted that will find an answering groan 
in many a heart. Who of us does not wish 
that mothers of small children would 
adopt a few rules of ordinary politeness 
and courtesy, and, when talking to a 
guest, give attention that is not shared 
and almost monopolized by the child who 
happens to be present? 

Parents make the mistake of thinking 
that their children must be as absorbingly 
interesting to all visitors and acquaint- 
ances as they are to those to whom they 
belong. This is a vast mistake. No matter 
how fond one may be of the young of his 
species, he does enjoy a conversation into 
which they are not dragged, and talks 
with more freedom if they are not pres- 
ent. Certainly it is far better for the 
child to learn to run off and amuse him- 
self than to sit by, listening to talk not 
meant for his ears. Those of us who were 
children many years ago were not allowed 
35 1 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

to make nuisances of ourselves to the ex- 
tent that children of to-day do, and surely 
we were happy. In one home there is a 
small boy, very good, and very affection- 
ate, whose mother can not receive a caller 
without the presence of the ubiquitous in- 
fant. He sits still, his great eyes fixed 
upon the face of the caller, and she feels 
ashamed for wishing that he would get 
out of the room. Occasionally he varies 
the monotony by saying, “Mother, don’t 
you want to tell Mrs. Blank about what I 
said the other day when I was hurt and 
did not cry?” Or, “Mother, do you think 
Mrs. Blank would like me to recite my 
new poem to her?” 

This may be annoying, but it is still 
more pitiful. To talk so much to a child 
and of him in the presence of others that 
he is a poseur at the early age of five, is 
cruel to the little one himself. We frown 
on the old adage which declared “chil- 

352 


CHILDREN 


dren should be seen and not heard,” but 
there are homes in which the guest wishes 
that they might be invisible as well as in- 
audible. 

One mother defers constantly to her 
fourteen-year-old son, and allows him to 
be present during all chats she has with 
her friends. She says, “You do not mind 
Will, I am sure. You may say what you 
like where he is, for he is the soul of dis- 
cretion, and I talk freely with him.” But 
the visitor does not feel the same confi- 
dence in “Will,” and certainly objects to 
expressing all her opinions with regard to 
people and things in his presence. 

Our own children are intensly inter- 
esting; the children of other people are 
not! Let us, once in a while, put ourselves 
in the place of another person, and think 
if we are willing to have that person’s 
child always in the room when we would 
talk confidentially with her. I think if we 


353 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

are frank we shall acknowledge that while 
we do not mind the presence of our own 
children, we do talk more freely when 
other people’s children are not present. 
Said a man not long ago : 

“Mrs. Brown is a marvelous woman. 
She is one of the most devoted mothers I 
know. Her children are with her a 
great part of the time. Yet, whenever I 
call there, alone or with a friend, a signal 
from her empties the drawing-room or 
library of the entire flock of five infants, 
and she is just as much interested in what 
her callers have to say as if she had no 
youngsters cruising about in the offing.” 

It is not to be supposed that children 
are never to be allowed to come into the 
drawing-room. They should be trained to 
enter the room, greet the guests politely 
and without embarrassment, answer 
frankly and straightforwardly, and to 
speak when spoken to. Then, they should 


S54> 


CHILDREN 


be silent unless drawn into the conversa- 
tion. The truest kindness is, after a few 
moments, to let the little one run away and 
play with' his toys or in the outdoor air. 

The child who hangs his head shyly, 
and refuses to speak politely to any one 
who addresses him, should be punished as 
severely as for an impertinence. From 
the cradle a baby may be taught to “see 
people,” and, as soon as he is old enough to 
return a greeting, he must be trained to do 
so. 

The only way to make small ladies and 
gentlemen of children is to teach, first of 
all, perfect obedience. This is, in this 
day, an unpopular doctrine, for there is 
prevalent a theory that the child must be 
allowed to exercise his individuality, — in 
other words, to do as he pleases. Why the 
child should develop his individuality, and 
the parents curb theirs, may be matter for 
wonder to those not educated up to this 
355 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

twentieth-century standard of ethics. If 
“days should speak and multitude of 
years should teach wisdom,” the father 
and mother are better fitted to dictate to 
the child than the child to dictate to them. 
And yet, in the average home, the last- 
mentioned form of government prevails. 

^N'othing is more unkind than to allow a 
child to do as he pleases, for, as surely as 
he lives, he must learn sooner or later to 
yield to authority and to exercise self- 
control. The earlier the training begins, 
the easier it will be. The child creeping 
about the room soon knows that the gen- 
tle, but firm “No!” when spoken by the 
mother means that he must not touch the 
bit of bric-a-brac within reach. And even 
this lesson will stand him in good stead 
later on. 

The basic principle of home govern- 
ment must be love enforced by firmness. 
A punishment should seldom be threat- 

S56 


CHILDREN 


ened, but if promised, must be given. The 
time for threat and punishment is not in 
public. In the parlor, on the train, or 
boat, it is the height of ill-breeding to 
make a scene and to threaten a whipping, 
or a punishment of any kind. Were the 
child properly trained in private, parents 
and beholders would be spared the humili^ 
ating spectacle that too often confronts 
them in visiting and traveling. 

One word here as to the child on train or 
boat. The person who is truly well-bred 
will not turn and frown on the mother 
of the tiny baby who, sulFering with colic, 
or sore from traveling, is wailing aloud. 
Of course the sound is annoying, but it is 
harder on the poor, mortified mother than 
on any one else. I already hear the ques- 
tion, “Why doesn’t she keep the infant at 
home then?” Frequently she can not do 
this. The child may be ill, and be on its 
way to seashore or mountains to gain 
357 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

health; or the mother may be summoned 
to see some ill relative, and can not go un- 
less the baby goes, too. Whatever the 
cause of her going, the fact remains that 
she derives no pleasure from holding a 
screaming baby, and her discomfort is 
turned into positive anguish by the dis- 
gusted looks of the women, and the mut- 
tered imprecations of the men. 

I saw once under such circumstances a 
woman who was an honor to her sex. Op- 
posite her in the train sat a young mother, 
and in her arms was a fretful, wailing 
baby. It was evidently the first baby, and 
the poor girlish mother was white and 
weary. At every scream the baby gave 
she would start nervously, change the lit- 
tle one’s position, look about at the pas- 
sengers with an expression of pathetic 
apology, — all the time keeping up a 
crooning “Sh-h-h!” that produced no ef- 
fect on the crying atom of humanity. 

S58 


CHILDREN 


And, as is often the case, the more nervous 
the mother became, the more nervous did 
the baby grow, and the louder did he 
scream. An exclamation of impatience 
came from a woman seated behind the 
suffering twain, and, at the same monjent 
a man in front threw down his paper with 
a slam and rushed out of the car and into 
the smoker. Then the woman who was an 
honor to her sex came across from the seat 
opposite, and laid a gentle hand on the 
mother’s shoulder, smiling reassurance in 
the tear-filled eyes lifted to hers. 

‘‘My dear,” said the soft voice, “you are 
worn out, and the baby knows it. Let me 
take him for a minute. No, don’t protest! 
I have had four of my own, and they are 
all too big for me to hold in my arms now. 
I just long to feel that baby against my 
shoulder! Give him to me! There, now! 
you poor tired little mother, put your head 
down on the back of the seat, and rest!” 

S59 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

She took the baby across the aisle, laid 
him over her shoulder with his head 
against her cheek, in the comforting way 
known to all baby-lovers, and in three 
minutes the cries had subsided and the 
baby was asleep in the strong motherly 
arms, where he lay until Jersey City was 
reached. And the tired little mother fell 
into a light slumber, too, comforted by the 
appreciation that she was not alone, nor 
an intolerable nuisance to all her fellow 
passengers. 

Was not such an act as this woman’s the 
perfection of true courtesy, the courtesy 
that forgets itself in trying to make an- 
other comfortable? 

This same spirit spoken of by Saint 
Paul as “in honor preferring one another” 
can be inculcated in the children in our 
homes. The small of the human species 
are, like their elders, naturally selfish, and 
must be taught consideration for others. 

360 


CHILDREN 


It is the grafting that makes the rose 
what it is. You may graft a Jacqueminot 
or Marechal Neil upon the stump of the 
wild rose. The grafting, the pruning, 
and the training, are the work of the care- 
ful gardener. The mother can never be 
idle, for, while the stock is there, she does 
the grafting. 

Obedience must be taught in small 
things as well as in great. The tiny child 
must be taught to remove his hat when he 
is spoken to, to give his hand readily in 
greeting, to say “please” and “thank 
you;” not to pass in front of people, or 
between them and the fire ; to say “excuse 
me!” when he treads on his mother’s foot 
or dress ; to rise when she enters the room ; 
and to take off his hat when he kisses her. 
The mother who insists that her child do 
these things at home need not fear that 
he will forget her training when abroad. 


361 


XXX 


OUR NEIGHBORS 

The fact that people live next door to 
you does not make them your neighbors 
in the higher and better sense of that 
word. There may be nothing in their per- 
sons or characters to commend them to 
you, or for that matter, to commend you 
to them. “Neighborhood” in literal inter- 
pretation signifies nearness of vicinity. 
You have the right to choose your asso- 
ciates and to elect your friends. 

Presuming on this truth, dwellers in 
j cities are prone to vaunt their ignorance 
: of, and indifference to, those who live in 
the same street, block and apartment- 
house with themselves. If newly come to 
what is a kingdom by comparison with 
their former estate, they make a point of 
362 


OUR NEIGHBORS 

seeking society elsewhere than among res- 
idents of their neighborhood. “Let us be 
genteel or die!” says Dickens of Mrs. 
Fielding’s struggles to eat dinner with 
gloves on. “Let us be exclusive or cease to 
live in the best set!” says Mrs. Upstart, 
and refuses to learn the names of her 
neighbors on the right and left. 

One of the hall-marks of the thorough- 
bred is his daily application of the maxim, 
“Live and let live.” His social standing is 
so firm that a jostle, or even a push from a 
vulgarian who chances to pass his way, 
can not disturb him. When the mongrel 
cur bayed at the moon, “the moon kept on 
shining.” If he be a gentleman in heart as 
well as in blood and name, he has a real 
interest in people who breathe the same 
air and tread the same street with himself 
— interest as far removed from vulgar 
curiosity in other people’s concerns as the 
gentle courtesy of his demeanor is re- 
363 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

moved from the familiar bumptiousness 
of the forward and underbred. 

Entering ourselves as learners in his 
school — and we could not study manners 
in a better — we recognize our neighbors 
as such. If we live on the same block 
and meet habitually on the street, a civil 
bow in passing, a smile to a child, in 
chance encounters in market or shop, a 
word of salutation, be it only a “Good 
morning,” or “It is a fine day!” or, after 
a few exchanges of this sort — “I hope 
your family keeps well in this trying 
weather” — are tokens of good-will and 
appreciation of the fact that we are dwell- 
ers in the same world, town and neighbor- 
hood. 

None of these minute courtesies which 
you owe to yourself and to your neigh- 
bor lays on you any obligation to call, 
or to invite her to call on you. Failure 
to comprehend this social by-law often 

364 


OUR NEIGHBORS 


causes heart-burnings and downright re- 
sentment. You may thus meet and greet 
a woman living near you every day for 
twenty years, and if some stronger bond 
than the accident of proximity do not 
draw you together, you may know noth- 
ing more of her than her name and ad- 
dress at the end of that time — perhaps the 
address alone. Unless, indeed, casualty in 
the way of fire, personal injury or severe 
illness, make expedient — and to the hu- 
mane such expediency is an obligation — 
further recognition of the tie of neighbor- 
hood. In either of the cases indicated, 
send to ask after the health of the sufferer, j 
and if you can be of service. If there be a j 
death in the house, a civil inquiry to the 
same effect and a card of sympathy will 

V 

“commit” you to nothing. 

We are working now on the assump- 
tion that each of us has a sincere desire to 
brighten the pathway of others, to make 
365 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


this hard business of daily living more 
tolerable. Of all the passive endurances 
lof life, strangerhood is one of the hardest 
Ito the sensitive spirit. Your neighbor’s 
heart is lighter because you show that you 
are aware of her existence and, in some 
sort, recognize her identity. She may not 
be your congener. Your bow and smile 
: remind her that you are her fellow human 
being. Stranger ships meeting in mid- 
ocean do not wait to inspect credentials be- 
fore exchanging salutes. 

If your neighbor be an acquaintance 
whom you esteem, do not let her be in 
doubt on this point. 



In ante-bellum days at the South, 


was a powerful bond of 


i sympathy. Miles meant less to them in 
this respect than so many squares mean to 
us now. A system of wireless telegraphy 
connected plantations for an area of 
many miles. Joy or sorrow set the current 


366 


OUR NEIGHBORS 


in motion from one end to the other. What 
I have called elsewhere being “kitch- 
enly-kind,” was comprehended in per- 
fection in that bygone time. When the 
house-mother sent a pot of preserves to 
her neighbor with her love and “she would 
like to know how you all are to-day,” it 
was the outward and substantial sign of 
the inward grace of loving kindness, and 
not an intimation that the recipient’s pre- 
serve-closet was not so well-stocked as the 
giver’s. When opening hamper and un- 
folding napkin showed a quarter of lamb, 
or a steak, or a roll of home-made “sau- 
sage meat,” enough neighborly love gar- 
nished the gift to make it beautiful. 

Out-of -fashion now-a-days? 

“ ’Tis true : ’tis true ’tis pity, 

And pity ’tis ’tis true.” 

Enough of the old-time spirit lives 
among our really “best people” to justify 
the “kitchenly-kind” in proffering gifts 
367 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


that presuppose personal liking and ac- 
tive desire to please a neighbor. A cake 
compounded by yourself ; a plate of 
home-made rolls taken from your own 
table; a dainty fancy dish of sweets of 
home-manufacture, express more of the 
“real thing” than a box of confectionery 
or a basket of flowers “put up” by a flor- 
ist. It is the personal touch that glorifies 
the gift, the consciousness that your 
neighbor thinks enough of you to give of 
her time and service for your pleasure. 

\ The home-made offering partakes of her 
\ individuality, and appeals to yours. 

// Neighborliness does not, of necessity, 
imply familiarity of manner and speech 
that may become offensive, or a continu- 
ous performance of visits, calls and 
“droppings-in” that must inevitably be- 
come a bore, however congenial may be 
the association. Those friendships last 
longest where certain decorous forms are 
368 


OUR NEIGHBORS 


always observed, no matter how close the 
mutual affection may be. Mrs. Stowe, in 
one of her New England stories, describes 
the intercourse between two families as 
‘‘a sort of undress intimacy.” Reading 
further, we find that this dishabille com- 
panionship involves visits by way of the 
back door and at all sorts of unconven- 
tional hours. 

Such abandonment of the reserves that 
etiquette enjoins on every household is a 
dangerous experiment. The back porch 
is for family use. Your next-door neigh- 
bor may not meddle therewith. Person- 
ally, I do not want my own son, or my 
married daughters, to enter my house 
through the kitchen. If you, dear reader, 
would retain your footing in the house of 
the friend best-loved by you, come in by 
the front door, and never without an- 
nouncing your presence as any other vis-/ 
itor would. Steady persistence in this rule 
S69 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


will avoid the chances of divers unpleas- 
ant possibilities. Y our hostess — or her hus- 
band — or grown son — may be as much in 
dishabille as the intimacy which, in your 
opinion, warrants you in running in and 
up, without knock or ring. You may hap- 
pen on a love-scene, or a family quar- 
rel, or a girl may be in the hands of the 
treasure of a hair-dresser who shampoos 
her twice a month with pure water that 
looks like peroxide of hydrogen, and “re- 
stores” the subject’s dark brown tresses to 
the guileless flaxen of her forgotten baby- 
hbod; or your clattering heels upon the 
stairway may break the touchy old grand- 
mother’s best afternoon nap. 

There is but one place on earth where 
it is safe to make yourself “perfectly at 
home,” and that is your own house — or 
apartment — or chamber. 


370 


XXXI 


ETIQUETTE OF CHURCH AND PARISH 

Theoretically, the church is a pure de- 
mocracy, a mighty family. There, if any- 
where, the rich and the poor meet together 
on terms of absolute equality. 

In that least poetical of pious jingles, — 
“Blest be the tie that binds,”— 
we declare that 

“The fellowship of kindred minds 
Is like to that above.” 

These and other Pietistic platitudes, 
whether tame or tuneful, are technical, 
and so nearly meaningless as not to pro- 
voke debate. Every reasonable man and 
woman knows and does not affect to con- 
ceal his or her consciousness of the truth 
that social distinctions are not effaced by 
the enrolment of rich and poor, educated 
S71 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


and illiterate, refined and boorish, in im- 
partial order upon the ‘‘church books.’’ 
True religion does refine feeling and en- 
gender benevolence and charitable judg- 
ment of our fellows. In doing this, it cre- 
ates a common ground of sympathy, as of 
belief. It elevates the moral and spiritual 
nature. Of itself, it does not enrich the in- 
tellect, or polish manners. One may have 
a clean heart and dirty flesh-and-blood 
hands ; may be a sincere and earnest Chris- 
tian, yet double his negatives, shove his 
food into his mouth with his knife, prefer 
the comer of a table-cloth to a napkin, and 
be an alien in the matter of finger-bowls. 

It is possible that two women may 
work together harmoniously in church 
and parish associations, each esteeming 
the other’s excellent qualities of heart and 
enjoying the fellowship of her “kindred 
mind,” and yet that both should be in- 
tensely uncomfortable if forced into re- 
S72 


CHURCH AND PARISH 


ciprocal social relations that have nothing 
to do with church or charity. 

These are plain facts no reasonable per- 
son will dispute. In view of them the fact, 
equally patent, that the Newlyrich clan 
invariably resort to church connection as a 
lever to raise them to a higher social plane, 
is one of the anomalies of human inter- 
course that may well stir the satirist to 
bitter ridicule and move compassionate be- 
holders to wonder. 

‘‘When they begin to feel their oats 
they go off to you!” laughed the keen- 
witted, sweet-natured pastor of a down- 
town church to a brother clergyman whose 
flock worshiped in a finer building and a 
fashionable neighborhood. “The sheep 
with the golden fleece always finds a 
breach in our church-wall.” 

It takes him, his ewe and his lambs, a 
long time to learn that pew-proximity 
does not bring about social sympathy. It 
373 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

is not a week since I saw a girl, a thor- 
oughbred from crown to toe, flush in sur- 
prise and draw herself up in unconscious 
hauteur, when a flashily-dressed young 
person greeted her across the vestibule of 
a concert-room with “Hello, Xellie! didn’t 
we have a bully time last night?” 

They had attended a Sunday-school an- 
niversary, and as their classes were side by 
side, had exchanged remarks in the inter- 
vals of recitations, songs and addresses. 
The parvenu’s clothes were more costly 
than “Nellie’s;” her father was richer; 
they were members of the same church! 
To her vulgar mind these circumstances 
gave her the right to take a liberty with a 
slight acquaintance such as no well-bred 
person would have dreamed of assuming. 

First, then, I place among the maxims 
of Church and Parish Etiquette : Do not 
imagine that your next pew-neighbor 
must be your acquaintance. If she be a 
374 


CHURCH AND PARISH 

new-comer and a stranger in the congre- 
gation, bow to her in meeting in lobby or 
in aisle, gravely and yet cordially, recog- 
nizing her as a fellow- worshiper in a tem- 
ple where all are welcome and equal. If 
you can be of service to her in finding the 
place of hymn or psalm, should she be at 
a loss, perform the neighborly service 
tactfully and graciously, — always be- 
cause you are in the House of the All- 
Father, and are His children, — not that 
you seek to court a mortal’s favor for any 
ulterior purpose. 

In meeting her on the street let your 
salutation be ready, and pleasant, but not 
familiar. Don’t “Hello, NeUie!” her, then 
or ever, while bearing in mind that non- 
recognition of one you know to be a regu- 
lar attendant at the same church with 
yourself, yet a comparative stranger 
there, is unkind and un-Christian. 

The case is different if you are the 
375 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

stranger. Friendly advances should come 
from the other side. If they are not made, 
there is nothing for you to do but to con- 
tent yourself with the recollection that you 
go to church to worship God, not to make 
acquaintances. Never depend on your 
church-connection for society. If you 
find congenial associates there, rejoice in 
the happy circumstance and make the 
most of it. If you do not, do not rail at 
the congregation as “stiff and stuck up,” 
at the church as a hollow sham, and the 
pastor as an unfaithful shepherd. The 
expectation on the part of some people 
that he should neglect the weightier mat- 
ters of the law and the gospel, and prosti- 
tute his holy office by becoming a social 
pudding-stick for incorporating into “a 
jolly crowd” the divers elements of those 
to whom he is called to minister, disgraces 
humanity and civilization — ^not to say 
Christianity. 


376 


CHURCH AND PARISH 


Pew-hospitality has fallen into disuse 
to a great extent of late years, principally 
on account of the usher-service. The 
tendency of this partial desuetude is to 
make pew-owners utterly careless of their 
obligation to entertain strangers. Re- 
gard for the best interests of your partic- 
ular church-organization should suggest 
to you as a duty that you notify the usher 
in your aisle of your willingness to receive 
strangers into your pews whenever the 
one or two vacant seats there may be 
needed. If your family fills them all 
every Sunday, you can not exercise the 
grace of hospitality. 

When one or two, or three, are to be ab- 
sent from either service, however, take the 
trouble to apprise the oft-sorely-per- 
plexed official of the fact, and give him 
leave to bring to your door any one he has 
to seat. When the stranger appears, let 
him see at once that you esteem his coming 
377 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

a pleasure. Give him a good seat, a book 
and a welcome generally. 

By this behavior you commend to his 
favor your church, human nature, and the 
cause dearest to your heart. 

If you are the visiting worshiper, and 
it is evident that the other occupants of 
the pew are the owners thereof, make 
courteous and grateful acknowledgment 
at the close of the service, of the hospital- 
ity you have received. I hope the return 
you get will not be the cold, supercilious 
stare one true gentlewoman had from the 
holder of a pew in the middle aisle of a 
fashionable church in New York. The 
guest put into Mrs. Haut Ton’s pew, 
thanked the latter simply and gracefully 
for the opportunity given her of hearing 
an admirable sermon. 

“Who are you that dare address mer 
said the silent stare. “It is bad enough to 
have my pew invaded by an unvouched- 
S78 


CHURCH AND PARISH 


for stranger without being subjected to 
the impertinence of speech !” 

The last place upon God’s earth where 
incivility and the arrogance of self-con- 
ceit are admissible is His house. “Be piti- 
ful,” writes the apostle who learned his 
code of manners from One who has been 
not irreverently called “the truest gentle- 
man who ever lived.” “Be pitiful; be 
courteous !” 

The relations of parishioner and the 
pastor’s family are often strained hard 
the popular misconception of the social 
obligations existing — or that should ex- 
ist — between them. In no “call” that I 
ever heard of is the clergyman enjoined 
to cater to the whims and vanities of ex- 
acting members by visits that are not de- 
manded by spiritual or temporal needs, 
and which minister to nothing but the 
aforesaid jealous vanity. Send for a 
clergyman when his priestly offices are re- 
379 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

quired. For the rest of his precious time 
let him come as he likes, and go whither 
he considers his duty calls him. He was a 
man before he took orders, and the man 
has social rights. Let him “neighbor,” as 
old-fashioned folk used to say, with his 
kind. 

The aforesaid “call” makes no mention 
of his family. If you like to call on them 
when they come to the parish, and if 
you find them congenial — your conge- 
ners in fact — ^keep up the association as 
you would with your doctor’s, or your 
lawyer’s family. That you belong to 
Doctor Barnabas’ parish, that you are the 
wife or daughter of an officer in his 
church, gives you absolutely no claim 
on his wife or daughters beyond what you, 
individually, possess. To demand that 
Mrs. Barnabas, refined in every instinct, 
highly-educated and with tastes for what 
is best and highest in social companion- 

380 


CHURCH AND PARISH 


ship, should be bullied and patronized by 
JVIrs. Million, a purse-proud vulgarian, 
unlearned and stupid, is sheer barbarity. 
Yet we see it — and worse — ^in every 
American church. 

Do you, sensible and amenable reader, 
lead the way to better things; loosen at 
least one buckle of the harness that bows 
many a fine spirit to breaking, and makes 
“the Church” a smoke in the nostrils of 
unprejudiced outsiders. Separate ecclesi- 
astical from social relations. Owe your 
right to call a fellow parishioner “friend,” 
and to visit at manse or parsonage, or 
rectory, to what you are — not to the ad- 
ventitious circumstance of being a mem- 
ber in good standing in a fashionable, or 
an unfashionable, church. Exact no con- 
sideration from those who belong with 
you to the household of faith on the 
ground of that spiritual “fellowship.” 

The position is false; the claim ignoble. 

381 


XXXII 


THE woman’s club 

The popularity of women’s societies for 
literary study, for economic discussion, 
for the consideration of municipal and so- 
cial improvement, is something enormous. 
They are to be found all over the country, 
but particularly do they flourish in the 
Middle West, where every town and ham- 
let in the region boasts a woman’s club of 
some sort. Both ridicule and praise are 
showered upon these organizations; and 
they deserve both. Some of their mani- 
festations are crude, absurd and tiresome; 
others are fine in themselves, exert a broad- 
ening influence over those intimately con- 
cerned and are helpful indirectly to the 
whole community represented by them. 
However much particular societies may 
382 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 


lay themselves open to adverse criticism 
by reason of priggishness, superficiality 
or a mistaken sense of their importance in 
the scheme of things, it must be acknow- 
ledged that the general tendency of these 
organizations is good. They lift women 
out of the consideration of the common- 
place, domestic side of existence ; they en- 
courage toleration and a give-and-take 
attitude toward life, in which attitude 
women are by nature lacking; they open a 
way for the development of latent talent 
of various kinds; they are often stepping 
stones to improvement in the social life of 
a community. It would be hard to esti- 
mate how much they have done in creating 
an atmosphere for the truly artistic and 
literary element in various communities 
throughout the United States. No doubt 
they have in this way encouraged the pro- 
duction of literature and other forms of 
art; while, in humbler fashion, they have 
083 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


brought pleasure and an outlook into 
many narrow circumscribed lives. 

An English woman visiting in a west- 
ern city of our country was asked what one 
of our institutions she admired the most. 
“The Woman’s Club,” she replied with- 
out hesitation and added that she would 
like to transplant it to her native land 
where, it was true, there were associations 
of women banded together for various 
purposes, but none in which women met in 
such easy and happy intellectual relations 
as in the women’s clubs of America. Such 
praise from an unprejudiced observer of 
our country consoles the woman who be- 
lieves in the mission of the woman’s club 
for many an ugly newspaper fling. The 
English woman in question was fortunate 
in attending a club of particular interest 
and value where, to a degree, the ideal of 
what a woman’s club should be was real- 
ized. Such a club indicates the possibilities 

S84. 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 


of the institution however; and many or- 
ganizations of women are working with 
crude material through absurd phases to- 
ward accomplishment as happy. 

In small communities where the oppor- 
tunities are infrequent for theater, for 
social diversion of various kinds, the wom- 
an’s club is of the greatest help. It serves 
at once to focus and distribute all the bet- 
ter social and intellectual interests of the 
neighborhood. It may be a means of lift- 
ing a whole community to a livelier and 
more interesting social and intellectual 
level. 

Many women’s clubs become important 
factors in municipal legislation along the 
lines most amenable to feminine influence. 
Through such clubs women have helped to 
solve educational questions, have influ- 
enced public sentiment in the direction of 
cleaning and beautifying the streets, and, 
in many other ways, have helped to pro- 
ses 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

mote law and order. The literary club is, 
however, the form most often taken by 
feminine organizations. 

The formation of a literary club is not 
a difficult matter, though the amount of 
red tape with which it is sometimes cov- 
ered up makes the project seem formi- 
dable. The woman most interested in the 
organization of such a club should call a 
meeting at her house of those she thinks 
most likely to enter into the scheme with 
energy and profit. A perusal of Robert’s 
Rules of Order or of any other good man- 
ual of parliamentary law, will show how 
such a meeting should be conducted, how 
officers should be elected and a constitu- 
tion adopted. It may be said in this con- 
nection that there are few matters harder 
for a woman to digest gracefully than a 
knowledge of parliamentary usages. Such 
knowledge is for use only, not for display. 
To make a show of it is like using a 
S86 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 


kitchen utensil for a drawing-room orna- 
ment. Many women seem to regard the 
rules governing societies as important in 
themselves. They are only important as 
the knowledge and use of them quickens 
the business proceedings leading up to the 
real purpose of the organization. Busi- 
ness in a woman’s club, founded for study 
and improvement, is only a means to an 
end. It is disastrous to consider the busi- 
ness otherwise. 

The membership having been decided 
upon, the ofBcers selected and constitution 
adopted, the next and most important 
thing in a literary club is to make out the 
program. For this purpose an executive 
committee of three or more is appointed 
by the president or elected by the club. 
Sometimes this committee makes out the 
entire program, merely notifying each 
member of the part she is expected to take 
in its performance. Sometimes the mem- 
387 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

bers are consulted as to what subjects they 
prefer. The more arbitrary method is 
often necessary in order to procure unity 
of design in the program. If, for in- 
stance, the program for the day includes 
two papers and a discussion following, the 
subjects considered should be related, so 
as to make some sort of harmony. If each 
member is allowed to choose her subject 
regardless of anything but her own desire, 
small pleasure or profit follows. In some 
clubs the executive committee sends out 
cards to the members, asking for sugges- 
tions, accepts the best of these, and when 
possible assigns the topics preferred. 

If the first mentioned and more arbi- 
trary method is followed the committee 
should be careful to select subjects accord- 
ing to the persons for whom they are de- 
signed. Mrs. Brown, who loves poetry 
but knows nothing of science, should not 
be asked to handle the wonders of elec- 

S88 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 

tricity in the twentieth century; and Mrs. 
White, who has a delicious touch in nar- 
rating personal experiences but knows lit- 
tle of continental fiction, would better be 
asked to write a paper on her summer va- 
cation than one on the great Russian 
novelists, TurgeniefF and Tolstoi. Of 
course, the practice for Mrs. Brown and 
Mrs. White, in considering subjects op- 
posed to their knowledge and taste, might 
be salutary for them, but it might also 
send the other members of the club to 
sleep. And the ambition of the executive 
committee should be to avoid as much dull- 
ness as possible in the atmosphere it partly 
ci'eates. 

Whether the program shall be miscel- 
laneous in character or shall be devoted to 
progressive study in one direction is a 
question to be considered by the commit- 
tee. If the club is small, compact in spirit, 
and on improvement bent, the study of 
889 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

some one period, author or movement is 
often most advantageous. If the club is 
large, and entertainment is largely the 
motive for meeting, a program that varies 
to meet the various demands of the mem- 
bership is better. 

Usually the number of papers on a 
given day should not exceed two. Some- 
times, owing to the light or easily divisible 
nature of the theme for the day, three pa- 
pers of fifteen or twenty minutes each may 
be assigned. 

For the discussion that should follow the 
paper or papers, it is the custom generally 
in women’s clubs to appoint a leader. The 
selection of leaders for conversation 
should be carefully made. Not every 
woman who writes a good paper talks well, 
though it is possibly within her power to 
do so if she makes sufficient effoii:. The 
leader of a conversation should be one who 
has been tried in general discussion and 
390 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 

found successful. Upon the leader de- 
pends the guidance of the talk. If it drifts 
into foolish and unprofitable channels, it 
is her business to call it back to better is- 
sues, yet to do so with what shall not seem 
a meddling or arbitrary touch. The culti- 
vation of the gift of speech is, in the 
minds of many competent judges, the best 
thing offered us by the woman’s club. 
Only a skilled person should undertake 
leadership in a discussion, but the floor of 
a club is a school where all may learn some- 
thing of the art. To learn to think quickly, 
to express one’si self standing and facing 
an audience, — this is an accomplishment 
worth having and one which many a club 
woman owes to years of progressive effort 
in a woman’s club. 

Members should be taken into a club be- 
cause they have qualifications which will 
add to the pleasure and profit of the mem- 
bership at large. One should not vote for 
391 


everydXy etiquette 

or against a candidate for purely personal 
reasons. Many kind people who are yet 
ignorant of the proper law for limiting 
the membership of a club consider it an 
act of enmity to blackball a candidate for 
membership whether she be fitted for that 
membership or not. This is a mistaken and 
a sentimental theory. It is indeed dis- 
agreeable to blackball, but it is sometimes 
necessary. Those who propose members 
for a club should feel the responsibility of 
such proposals and thus, as far as lies 
within their power, avoid for the member- 
ship, or committee controlling this matter, 
the unpleasant necessity of refusing or 
blackballing a candidate. 

The new member should be received 
with courtesy by the older members of the 
club. Her sponsors or guarantors should 
see to it that proper introductions, if in- 
troductions be necessary, are made. For 
several months, at least, after her admis- 
392 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 


sion to the club, the new member’s part 
should be a negative rather than a positive 
one. It is an unwritten law in the United 
States Senate that the new senator does 
not speak on any matter of importance 
for a year after his election. Exactly so, 
modesty demands that the new member in 
a woman’s club, unless specially requested, 
keep silent till custom has established her 
place in the organization. When the 
proper occasion arises for her to speak or 
to read, she begins her performance as 
others do theirs, by formally addressing 
the president and members of the club as 
Madam President and Women of the 
Club. 

In many clubs where the membership is 
not large and the dues are small, it is cus- 
tomary to meet from house to house. This 
should always be considered only a provi- 
sional method. It is much better to have a 
club home than to wander about from 
393 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

place to place. Papers and other proper- 
ties accumulate in the life of a club and it 
is advisable to have some permanent place 
for the bestowal of them. The sense of 
getting acquainted with a new place each 
time interferes with ease of manner and 
freedom of discussion, while familiarity 
with one’s surroundings begets both these 
happy qualities. As soon as the funds 
warrant the expenditure, a club should 
rent a convenient and acceptable place 
where its regular meetings can be held. 

Once a year, usually at the beginning of 
the president’s term of office, it is cus- 
tomary for the club to give some sort of 
entertainment for its members. This may 
be a luncheon or breakfast, a high tea or 
merely an afternoon reception where 
salad, ices and coffee are served. At this 
festivity, after the menu has been served, 
the retiring president bids good-by to her 
office and introduces her successor, who 
S94 


THE WOMAN’S CLUB 

acts as toast-mistress for the occasion. 
The toasts should be few in number, not 
more than five or six, and the time occu- 
pied by each should be from five to seven 
minutes. Commonly the subjects for 
toasts should be of a lively, pleasing na- 
ture and should be treated in a manner to 
correspond. To take advantage of a fes- 
tive occasion for the delivery of a lamenta- 
tion or a sermon is in very bad taste. It 
should be remembered by the speaker that 
she is expected to entertain and not to in- 
struct. 

The spirit of the members toward club 
performances should be kindly and genial, 
if good work is to be expected. Nothing 
can be done in the face of ill-natured criti- 
cism. The standard of work can only be 
raised by each member doing her best and 
keeping an open mind for the perform- 
ances of her acquaintances. Frequently a 
special advantage in hearing club papers 
395 


EVERYDAY. ETIQUETTE 

lies in one’s acquaintance with the writer, 
which makes it possible for one to inter- 
pret much more richly than would be pos- 
sible in the printed page of a personally 
unknown author. This is the ‘^unearned 
increment” of club membership, one of the 
best returns for its fellowship; and in or- 
der to get the most out of one’s connection 
with a literary club where, in the nature of 
things, one can not be expecting literary 
masterpieces, one must be on the lookout 
for this personal quality which adds so 
largely to the written and spoken words 
heard there. 


!96 


XXXIII 


CHAKITIES, PUBLIC AND PRIVATE 

Charity begins at home, but it is a great 
mistake to suppose that it should end 
there. Indeed, in the last analysis, to do 
for one’s own family is not charity, but 
a form of selfishness. The truly generous 
spirit can not resist the call to help the 
poor and needy, the outcast and degraded. 

One’s relation to charity should not be 
accidental, but should form a part of the 
plan of one’s life. It is not very creditable 
to give to a good cause only because one is 
besieged to do so, or because one is 
ashamed to say ‘"no.” When the young 
married couple sit down together for their 
first discussion of finance, of how much 
they shall spend for house, for clothes, 
how much for food, how much for amuse- 
397 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ment and so on, this question of what shall 
be done for those poorer than themselves 
should have a place. No matter how small 
the sum possible, something should be 
given to philanthropic work. 

The woman of the family is very often, 
directly or indirectly, the dispenser of the 
money devoted to charity. She is the one 
who decides into what channels it shall 
go. She has the time for investigating the 
needs of societies and of individuals. The 
work too that accompanies gifts of charity 
more often falls to her lot than to a man. 
This is a department of service properly 
belonging to her. She has natural rights 
in this section of the world’s work of 
which she should be as proud as a patriotic 
man is of his right to vote. 

Charities, broadly, are of two kinds^ 
public and private; and activity in one 
should not preclude activity in the other. 
The ideal administration of charity would 
398 


CHARITIES 


consist in every person comfortably estab- 
lished having among his real friends sev- 
eral poor persons or poor families from 
whom he himself received a broadening 
knowledge of life, as well as to whom he 
gave of physical necessities. In the ab- 
sence of this ideal situation, he must avail 
himself of the best means open to him. 
He must take advantage of the splendid 
organization of modern charities, but he 
must not forget also to be on the lookout 
for individual cases of need that are not 
likely to appear before the board of any 
philanthropic organization. 

We hear it from the pulpit and the 
platform continually, yet not too often, 
that organized charitable work is one of 
the finest achievements of our present 
civilization. Narrow-minded people some- 
times say that our grandmothers got along 
very well without it, and did as much good 
as the women of the present day. They 
S99 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

got on without it only because they did 
not have such complex conditions to cope 
with. It is not possible, no matter how 
good the intentions of the individuals con- 
cerned, that as valuable work can be done 
without modern methods as with them. In 
these days, each charity of a city or town 
attempts to cover one field and to cover 
it as thoroughly and from as many differ- 
ent points of view as possible. Wherever 
possible the aim of such organizations is 
to help people to help themselves. The 
idea is not only to tide the beneficiaries 
over temporary difficulties, but to aid them 
in building up character by means of self- 
respecting effort. 

Membership in such organizations 
brings opportunity for action and know- 
ledge also of the bearings of one’s action. 
It makes charity something more than a 
matter of sentimental impulse. The op- 
portunity to do good offered by these so- 
400 


CHARITIES 


cieties is not only an opportunity to help 
the poor, but to help one’s self, and even 
in other ways than the one generally ac- 
knowledged of broadening one’s sympa- 
thies and cultivating one’s heart. The 
gain a woman derives in discipline from 
working in concert with other women is of 
inestimable value. This discipline is some- 
times accompanied by vexations, as discip- 
line commonly is, but taken in the right 
spirit, it is broadening. 

Charitable societies are often made up 
largely of women whose ideas of business 
are chaotic, whose capacity for speech is 
not at all equal to their capacity for work. 
The time spent by such people in idle dis- 
cussion at business meetings is wearing, 
but it is not altogether unprofitable. The 
better trained women must do what they 
can to improve the situation. When they 
can not improve it they must grin and bear 
it. Even with the drawbacks named, or- 


401 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ganization pays. The experience of many 
is a richer thing than the experience of 
one ; and when it comes to action, concert- 
ed action is a more powerful thing than 
single and individual effort. 

One can not help all the causes one 
would like to help or belong to the organi- 
zations that represent them. One should 
select that charity which appeals to one 
most or where one feels one can do the 
most good, and one should make atten- 
dance upon its meetings and the other 
work of the society a part of one’s regular 
duties. The sorrows of one’s life often 
suggest the charity one cares most to aid. 
Women who have lost little ones feel a 
drawing of the heart toward the society 
that helps children. Women who have seen 
much of pain and suffering in their own 
families wish to join a society that makes 
the burden of the sick poor as light as pos- 
sible. Those who have seen sympatheti- 
402 


CHARITIES 


cally the loneliness and bitterness possible 
to old age, wish to help the aged poor. 
And the determining personal experience 
makes the work of charity so much richer 
and more effectual. 

One should not leave the subject of one’s 
duty to organized philanthropy without a 
word concerning the work of the social set- 
tlement, the greatest philanthropic move- 
ment of the day. The idea at the bottom 
of settlement work, the idea that the rich 
or the comfortably situated must live with 
the poor, must know their lives by direct 
and continuous contact in order to exert 
any lasting influence for good, is a noble 
idea in itself and one that is singularly at- 
tractive to ardent spirits. 

Unfortunately, fashion and the novelty 
of the life involved in the experiment has 
made social settlement work attractive to 
many people for somewhat selfish reasons. 
Such people should be discouraged from 
403 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

going into it — first, because they hurt the 
cause. They do not know how to get on 
with poor people and often their ill-dis- 
guised curiosity amounts to insolence and 
hurts those whom it is intended the work 
should benefit. The second reason is that 
these people who, through excitement and 
love of novelty, leave their homes for set- 
tlement work are often needed at home. 
It is much the vogue just now for young 
women just out of college to do a year 
of social settlement work. If they have 
what Methodists name “the real call” and 
have no more urgent and intimate duties 
behind them, this is very well. But if it 
means deserting home tasks because they 
are dull and unexciting, it is well enough 
to think twice before the mother of the 
family is left to face all the disagreeable 
issues of home life. This is one of those 
cases where charity at home is of more im- 
portance than charity abroad. Of social 
404 


CHARITIES 


settlement work, seriously and earnestly 
considered, it is impossible to say too much 
in commendation. 

The philanthropic impulse of a gener- 
ous heart is not satisfied with giving to or- 
ganizations or working for them. One 
must do in other and private ways in order 
to satisfy one’s heart and conscience. One 
should help many people through ties of 
service, of love or of friendship. In time 
of need one should remember those people 
who have lived as domestics in one’s fam- 
ily or who have been connected in some 
humble capacity with the business of the 
head of the house. These persons, if they 
have been faithful to one’s interests, one 
helps with a personal enthusiasm that is, 
of course, lacking in the case of strangers. 
Faithful or unfaithful, one knows some- 
thing about them and can figure out easily 
what is the wisest as well as the most 
grateful manner of doing for them. 

405 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Then there is the poor relation whom we 
have always with us and, in the helping of 
whom, all the tact of which one is pos- 
sessed is not too much to use. The very 
fact that he or she, as the case may be, 
must accept favors from one of the same 
blood and, therefore, in every sense but 
the financial, of the same rank in life, 
makes the graceful bestowal of the gift a 
matter that is hard to compass. To pass 
on the gown one has laid aside so that there 
shall seem to be no condescension in the 
act ; to explain successfully that one sends 
money at Christmas because one was un- 
certain what would be the proper gift to 
buy; in fine, to give with a broad sympa- 
thy that, for the minute, gives the donor 
an insight into the other’s disappointments 
and vexations — ^this is what is needed in 
dealing with the poor relative. 

A flavor of even greater grace and del- 
icacy must go into the gift offered by the 
406 


CHARITIES 


rich friend to the poor one. It is one of 
the privileges of the generous rich, not 
only to feed the starving body but some- 
times to feed the starving soul, not only 
to provide bread and butter but to minister 
to a starved sense of beauty and of joy. 
To give pictures and books to those who 
love them but can not buy, to give a year 
at college to some nice young fellow whose 
parents can not do for him, to give pretty 
trinkets to a pretty young girl who lives 
in a house where there is no money to spare 
for such things — ^these gifts of friendship 
are one of the greatest privileges of a 
large income. Though not counted com- 
monly as charity, they come under the 
head of charity in its biblical significance 
of love and sympathy. 


407 


XXXIV 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG TO THE OLD 

The pessimist, reading the heading of 
this chapter, would be inclined to ask if 
one writes nowadays of a lost quantity. 
While we do not consider the grace of 
courtesy as entirely lost, we are at times 
tempted to think that it has “gone before,” 
and so far before that it is lost sight of 
by the rising generation. 

The days have passed when the hoary 
head was a crown of glory, as the royal 
preacher declares. It is certain that if it is 
a crown, it is one before which the youth 
of the twentieth century do not bow. 

Before we condemn the young unspar- 
ingly for their lack of reverence, we must 
look at the other side of the question. To- 
day there are few old people. First, there 
408 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 


is youth. That lasts almost until one is a 
grandparent; then one is middle-aged. 
No one is old, — at least few will acknow- 
ledge it. The woman of forty-five is on 
“the shady side of thirty,” she of sixty- 
five, is “on the down-slope from fifty.” 
And, even when the age is announced, one 
is reminded that “a woman is only as old 
as she feels.” There is sound common 
sense in all this. Can not we afford to 
snap our fingers at Father Time and his 
laws, when the law within ourselves tells 
us that we are young in heart, in feeling, 
in aims? So the principle that bids us 
shut our eyes at the figure on the mile- 
stone we are passing is a good one. As 
long as we feel fresh still for the journey, 
as long as every step is a pleasure, what 
difference if the walk has been five miles 
long or fifteen? We judge of the strain 
by the effect it has had on us. If we 
feel unwearied and ready for miles and 
409 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

miles ahead of us, who shall say that 
the walk has been ten miles long, when we 
are conscious in our energetic limbs that it 
has only been two delightful miles? 

The fact that no one is now old has 
its effect on the Young Person in our 
midst. She hesitates to say to the matron, 
“Take this seat, please!” when she knows 
that in her soul the matron will resent the 
insinuation that she is on the downward 
grade. Not long ago I witnessed the 
chagrin of a woman of thirty-five who 
rose and gave her seat in a stage to a 
woman who was, if one may judge by the 
false standard of appearances, at least 
fifteen years her senior. The elderly 
woman flushed indignantly: 

“Pray keep your seat, madam!” she 
commanded in stentorian tones. “I may 
be gray-headed, but I am not old or de- 
crepit!” 

She of thirty-five had cast her pearls of 


410 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 

courtesy before swine, and assuredly they 
had been trampled underfoot. 

I fancy that one reason gray hair is 
becoming fashionable is this desire to 
cling to youth. Every year more young 
women tell us that they are prematurely 
gray, and their sister-women add eagerly, 
“So many women are, nowadays!” 

Our Young Person must, then, be very 
careful how she displays the feeling of 
reverence for age which, we would like to 
believe, is inherent in every well-regulated 
nature. She must exercise tact, without 
which no person shall have popularity. 

One point in which Young America 
displays lamentable vulgarity is in the 
habit of interrupting older people. In- 
terruptions, we of a former generation 
were taught, are rude. That is a forgot- 
ten fact in many so-called polite circles. 
And when people do not interrupt they 
seem to be waiting for the person speak- 
411 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ing to finish what he has to say in order to 
“cut in” (no other expression describes it 
fitly) with some new and original remark. 
That is, apparently, the only reason that 
one listens to others, — just for the sake of 
having some one to answer. The world is 
full of things, and getting fuller every 
day, and unless one talks most of the time 
he will never be able to air his opinions on 
all points. And every one’s opinion is of 
priceless value, — at least to himself. This 
seems to be the attitude of Young Amer- 
ica. Yet in courtesy to the hoary head one 
should occasionally pause long enough to 
allow the owner thereof to express an 
opinion. Although one has passed fifty, 
one may, nevertheless, have sound judg- 
ment, and ideas on some subjects that are 
worth consideration. I wish yoimg men 
and women would occasionally remember 
this. 

The woman of sixty, or over, can really 
412 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 


learn little of value from her grand- 
daughter, — even when that granddaugh- 
ter is a college graduate, and has all the 
arrogance of twenty years. Of course, 
grandmother may need enlightenment 
on college athletics, on golf, even, per- 
haps, on bridge, — although that is very 
doubtful, if she lives in a fashionable 
neighborhood. But, after all, these are 
not the greatest things of life. She 
would, perchance, be glad to listen to her 
yoimg relative’s accounts of her sports if 
she would take the trouble to tell the hap- 
penings that interest her, in a loving, re- 
spectful spirit. Our elderly woman does 
not like to be patronized, to be told that 
she dresses like an old fashion-plate, and 
that she is, to use the slang of the day, a 
“back number.” The grandmother knows 
better. She has lived and she is sure that 
from her store of knowledge of life, — 
of men, women and things as they really 


413 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

are, — she could bring forth treasures, new 
and old, that would be of great help to the 
hot-headed, impulsive young girl about 
to risk all on the perilous journey that lies 
before her. 

I would, therefore, suggest that Our 
Girl practise deference toward her elders. 
At first she may not find it easy, but it is 
worth cultivating. It is, moreover, much 
more becoming than the arrogance and 
aggressiveness too common nowadays. 
There is something wrong when a person 
feels no respect for one who has attained 
to double or treble her years. There is 
something lacking. The collegians of 
both sexes would do well to turn their 
analytical minds on themselves, and, as 
improvement is the order of the day, 
add to their fimd of becoming attain- 
ments the sweet, old-fashioned attribute 
of courtesy and reverence toward age. 

It is easy, after all, if one will watch 

414 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 

carefully, to do the little kind thing that 
makes for comfort, and not do it aggres- 
sively. It is not necessary to adjust a pil- 
low at the elderly person’s back as if she 
needed it. I saw a sweet woman put a 
pillow behind an invalid with such tact 
that the sufferer, who was acutely sensi- 
tive on the subject of her condition, did 
not suspect that her hostess had her ill- 
ness in mind. 

‘‘My dear,” said this tactful woman, 
“if you are ‘built’ as I am, you must find 
that chair desperately imcomfortable 
without a cushion behind you! I simply 
will not sit in it without this little bit of a 
pillow wedged in at the small of my back. 
I find it so much more comfortable so^ 
that I am sure you will.” 

And the cushion was adjusted. Could 
even supersensitive and suspicious Old 
Age have resented such attention? 

Of course elderly people like to talk. 

415 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Why should they not be allowed to do it? 
The boy or girl listener is impatient of 
what he or she terms inwardly “garrulous- 
ness.” Is not the prattle of youth as try- 
ing to old people? But, to do them justice, 
unless they are very crabbed, they listen 
to it kindly. 

Unfortunately one seldom sees a young 
person rise and remain standing when an 
old person enters the room. Yet to loll 
back in a chair under such circumstances 
is one of the greatest rudenesses of which 
a girl or boy is capable. 

Right here, may I put in a plea for the 
old man? In the first place, he is not as 
popular as the old woman. She is often be- 
loved; he, poor soul! is too often endiu’ed. 
In very truth he is not so lovable as his 
lady-wife. He did not take the time while 
he was young to cultivate the little nice- 
ties of life as she did. Women have more 
regard for appearances than men have, 
416 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 


and their life is not spent so often in count- 
ing-room and office ; they are, in their daily 
life, surrounded by refined persons more 
than are their husbands ; they do not have 
to talk by the hour with rough men, give 
orders to surly underlings,- eat at lunch 
counters, and join in the morning and 
evening rush-for-life to get a seat in the 
crowded car or train where the law is 
‘^Sauve qui peutr or, in brutal English 
‘‘Every man for himself and” — no matter 
who — “for the hindmost!” All these 
things, after years and years, influence the 
man or woman. It is inevitable. It even 
affects the inner life. The Book of books 
tells us that though the outward man per- 
ish, the inward man is renewed day by day. 
Sometimes the inward man is hardly worth 
renewing at the end of a life of such rush 
and mad haste after the elusive dollar that 
there has been no place for the gentle 
amenities of existence. Therefore, as the 
417 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


man gets old, his nature comes to the 
front, and, too often, the courtesies that 
were pinned on him by a loving wife, and 
kept polished up by her, drop off and he 
does not want to bother to have them re- 
adjusted. Consequently, he often has hab- 
its that are not pretty. He is irascible ; he 
is intolerant with youth, and, now that he 
is laid aside, he likes to tell of what he did 
when he was as active as the young men 
about him. Dear yoimg people, let him 
talk! Listen to him, and remember that at 
your age he was just as agreeable as you. 
Consider, too, that if, when you are old, 
you would escape being the self-absorbed 
being you think him, you would do well 
now to begin to avoid the selfishness and 
self-absorption that you find make the old 
man objectionable. Practise on him, and 
he will in his old age still be doing a good 
work. 

It is not pleasant to feel old, to know 

418 


COURTESY FROM THE YOUNG 


that you are set aside in the minds of 
others as ‘‘a has-been.” There are few 
more cruel lessons given to human beings 
to learn in this hard school we call life. 
And this task has to be learned when 
strength and courage wane, and the grass- 
hopper is a burden. If young people 
would only make it unnecessary for the 
older person to acquire it! It lies with 
youth to make the declining years of those 
near the end of the journey a weary wait- 
ing for that end, or a peaceful loitering 
on a road that shall be a foretaste of a 
Land in which no one ever grows old. 


419 


XXXV 


MISTRESS AND MAID 

They were not foreordained from all 
eternity to be sworn enemies. Could that 
fact be impressed on the mind of each, 
there would be less friction between them. 

Where, in this day and in this country, 
is found the f amity servant who follows 
the fortunes of her employers through ad- 
versity and evil report, asking only to be 
allowed to live among those who have 
shown her kindness, who have taught her 
all she knows, and who have been kinder 
to her than her own family have been? 
She may exist in the imagination of the 
optimistic novelist, — but not in reality. 
Once in a great while such a servant, well- 
advanced in life, is found, — ^but she is a 
rara avis. 


420 


MISTRESS AND MAID 

It is trite to say that in this country the 
servant matter is all askew. We know 
that, and it is incumbent on us to make 
the best of matters as we find them. To 
do this both mistress and maid should be 
impressed with the fact expressed in the 
opening sentence of this chapter. As mat- 
ters now are, the maid sees in the mistress 
a possible tyrant, one who will exact the 
poimd of flesh, and, if the owner thereof 
be not on her guard, will insist on a few 
extra ounces thrown in for good measure. 
The mistress sees in the suspicious girl 
a person who will, if the chance be offered 
her, turn against her employer, will do the 
smallest amount of work possible for the 
highest wages she can demand; break 
china, smash glass, shut her eyes to dirt 
in the comers, and accept the first oppor- 
tunity that offers itself to leave her pres- 
ent place and get one that demands fewer 
duties and larger pay. 

421 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

One of the great mistakes of the mis- 
tress is that she lets the state of affairs 
annoy her. Why should she? The 
maid is not “her own kind,” and the 
woman is wrong who judges the unedu- 
cated, ill-reared hireling by the rules 
that govern the better classes. The ser- 
vant and the employer have been reared in 
different worlds, and to ignore this fact 
is folly. How often do we see the 
mistress “hurt” because of Norah’s lack 
of consideration for her and her time, and 
vexed because the servant fails to ap- 
preciate any kindness shown her? Let her 
accept the condition of affairs as what the 
slangy boy would call “part of the game,” 
and not waste God-given nerve and en- 
ergy in worrying over it. If she gets 
reasonably good return in work for the 
wages she pays, she should be content. To 
expect gratitude of the working-class is, 
too often, but hunting for the proverbial 

4.22 


I 


MISTRESS AND MAID 


needle in the stack of hay. BlessM is she 
who does not seek it, for she will never be 
disappointed. 

Nor should the mistress expect a friend 
and counselor in the maid. Once in a 
while, one meets a servant who, by some 
accident, is capable of discerning the re- 
finement of nature in her employer, and of 
respecting it. In this case, she may care 
more for the employer for knowing that 
she is trusted. The mistress who, ac- 
knowledging this, makes a confidante of 
her maid, is running a great risk. It is an 
unnatural state of affairs, and unnatural 
relations are never likely to be successful 
or happy. 

Yes! there is no doubt about it, — ^the 
system of domestic service is all wrong, | 
and it grows worse. Except in a few ex- I 
ceptional cases, the distrust of the house- 
wife for the maid-of -all-work, the suspi- 
cious attitude of said maid toward her 


423 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

nominal mistress, increase with each pass- 
ing year. 

The evil is so great that the only remedy 
lies in each household doing by itself the 
best that lies within its power to change 
the current. Were each housev/ife in the 
coimtry to strive to better matters, the 
change would soon be apparent. 

It is a fact that, by appealing to the 
best in human nature — ^be that nature 
American, Irish, German or Scandina- 
vian — we elicit the best from our fellow 
creatures. Let the mistress, then, try to 
believe in the good intentions of her ser- 
vant, or, if she can not really believe in 
them, let her intend to do so. Her at- 
titude of mind will, imconsciously to her- 
self, make itself felt upon her hireling. 
Let her take it for granted that the “new 
girl” means to stay, is honest, trustworthy, 
and anxious to please, and let her talk to 
her as if all these things were foregone 

424 


MISTRESS AND MAID 

conclusions. She may show by gentle man- 
ner and kindly consideration that Norah 
or Gretchen is a sister-woman, not a ma- 
chine. If the washing or ironing happens 
to be heavy, let her suggest a simple des- 
sert of fruit, instead of the pudding that 
had been planned. And if the maid’s 
heavy eyes and forced smile show that she 
is not well, let the mistress, for a brief 
moment, put herself in the place of the 
hireling, and think what she would want 
done for her under similar circumstances. 
She will then suggest that some of the 
work that can be deferred be laid aside un- 
til the following day, or offer to give a 
hand in making the beds or dusting the 
rooms. 

“But,” declares the systematic house- 
wife, “I do not hire a servant, — and then 
do my own housework!” 

No! Neither did you hire your maid-of- 
aU-work to be a sick nurse, — but were you 

425 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ill it would be she who would cook your 
meals, carry up yom* tray and take care 
of you, unless you were so ill as to need 
the services of a trained attendant. Bear 
this in mind, and show the maid that you 
do bear it in mind. 

It is a more difficult matter to get the 
servant to look at the subject from th^s 
standpoint. She has not been educated to 
regard things from both sides. It is the 
custom of her cult to meet and, in conclave 
assembled, to compare the faults, foibles 
and failings of their employers. And 
when they do commend an employer for 
kind treatment it is, as a rule, only to 
make the lot of another servant look 
darker by contrast with the bright one de- 
picted. 

“Oh, me dear!” exclaims Bridget on 
entering Norah’s kitchen at eight-thirty 
in the evening and finding her still wash- 
ing dishes. “And is this the hour that a 
426 


MISTRESS AND MAID 


pcx)r, hard-working girl is kept up to 
wash the dinner-things? There are no 
such doin’s in my kitchen, I tell ye! My 
lady knows that I ain’t made of iron, and 
she knows, too, that I would not put up 
with such an imposition!” 

The fact that Norah’s mistress has 
helped her all day with the work, that she 
is herself the victim of unexpected com- 
pany; that she regrets as much as Norah 
can that the unavoidable detention at the 
office of the master of the house has made 
dinner later than usual, does not deter 
the suddenly-enlightened girl from feel- 
ing herself a martyr, and the seed of hate 
and distrust is quick to bear fruit in an of- 
fensive manner and a sulky style of 
speech. 

She does not pause 'to take into con- 
sideration that, while she may just now 
be doing extra work, she also receives daily 
extra kindnesses and consideration that 


427 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

were not agreed upon in the contract of 
her hire. 

There are just two rules that make the 
relations of mistress and maid tolerable or 
pleasant. One is that everything be put on 
a purely business basis — an arrangement, 
we may remark, that the maid would be 
the first to resent. If she is willing to give 
only what she is paid for, she must be 
willing that no margin be allowed to her, 
and that she be expected to live up to her 
part of the contract, fulfilling every duty 
as well as any servant possibly could, ex- 
pecting no allowances or indulgences, and 
receiving just the “times off” for which 
she bargains. Only that, and no more! 
She would soon weary of the bargain. 

The other rule, and the better, is 
that a little practical Christianity be 
brought into the relationship, — that the 
maid do her best, cheerfully and will- 
ingly, and that the mistress treat her in 
428 


MISTRESS AND MAID 

the same spirit, giving her little pleasures 
when it is within her power to do so, trying 
to smooth the rough places, and to make 
crooked things straight. Then, let each 
respect the other and make the best of 
the situation. If it is intolerable, it may be 
changed. If not intolerable, let each re- 
member that there is no law, human or 
divine, that demands that the contract 
stand for ever — and let each dissolve the 
partnership when she wishes to do so. 
Until this is done, mistress and maid 
should keep silence as to the faults of the 
other, trying to see rather the virtues than 
the failings of a sister-woman. 

I wish that some word of mine with re- 
gard to this matter could sink into the 
mind of the mistress. I fear that it will 
never be possible to train the maid not to 
talk of her mistress to her friends. But 
the employer should be above discussing 
her servants with outsiders. This is one 
429 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

of the most glaring faults of conversa- 
tion, — one of the most flagrant breaches 
of conversational etiquette among women 
of refinement. The hackneyed warning 
that the three D"s to be banished from po- 
lite conversation are Dress, Disease and 
Domestics, has not been heeded by the av- 
erage housewife, so far as the last D is 
concerned. She will fill willing and un- 
willing ears with the account of her ser- 
vants’ impertinences, of their faults, of 
how they are leaving without giving 
warning, and of how ungrateful all ser- 
vants are, until one would think that her 
own soul was not above that of the laun- 
dress, chambermaid and cook, whose fail- 
ings she dissects in public. Such talk re- 
minds one of the conversation with which 
Bridget regales an admiring and indig- 
nant coterie. With the uneducated hire- 
ling, it may be pardonable ; in the case of 
the educated employer it is inexcusable. 

430 


XXXVI 


THE WOMAN WITHOUT A MAID 

The thought of being without a maid 
strikes terror to the heart of many ^ 
woman who can not be accused of lazi^ 
ness. She thinks of the manual toil con- 
nected with housekeeping as composed of 
a round of degrading tasks, and she cam 
not imagine herself as performing these 
with dignity and attractiveness. The ugli- 
ness connected with doing Bridget’s work 
is what repels, and it must be confessed, 
at the start, that dust and dish-water are 
not agreeable things to contemplate, 
though hemmed squares of clean cheese- 
cloth for the one and plenty of good soap 
in the other tend to reduce disagreeable 
qualities to a minimum. One half, at least, 
of the prejudice many women, not finan- 

431 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

dally prosperous, feel against doing the 
work of a maid is the aversion to doing un- 
beautiful things. The other half rises 
from the sense of dismay in attempting 
that in which one has had no practice, for 
which one has had no previous preparation. 
The tasks connected with housekeeping 
are many and various ; and if one is called 
to face them without experience or a sys- 
tem, the result is apt to be pandemonium 
until the mistress-maid is broken in. It 
is a pity, however, to approach the work 
with the idea that it is necessarily distaste- 
ful and disagreeable. Most women have 
some natural aptitude for domestic serv- 
ice. When properly trained they like it, 
or, at least, parts of it. What they lack 
often is not aptitude but practice ; and, in- 
stead of expecting to gain skill through 
practice, as they would in other depart- 
ments of work, they expect it to come by 
inspiration. Housekeeping is a science 

432 


WITHOUT A MAID 


and an art. More even than this, it is a 
business, and needs, exactly as the business 
of a man does, time and patience for its 
conquest. 

A sub-professor on a small salary in one 
of our best eastern educational institu- 
tions married a charming young woman 
with a wise head on her pretty shoulders. 
Her thought was that she could best help 
him by doing the work of a maid. Her 
name wherever known had been a syno- 
nym for exquisite taste, and she lost noth- 
ing of this in the conduct of her new role. 
Ugliness of any sort was not in her scheme 
of things. She determined that she should 
be no less pretty in her husband’s eyes be- 
cause of the part she was to play in his 
kitchen. She had made for herself eight 
blue and white striped seersucker gowns 
with broad hems on the short skirts and 
with plain shirt-waists. The sleeves were 
made elbow length, so as not to incommode 
433 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

her in her work, and a turnover collar of 
white which left her throat free was at 
once comfortable and becoming. With 
these dresses she wore dark aprons or white 
ones, according to the work she was doing. 
Her husband and friends declared she had 
never looked more pleasing than while “in 
service.” She was an excellent refutation 
of the idea that a woman must look slo- 
venly when doing household tasks. 
Though “dressing the part” seems a small 
beginning toward getting the work of a 
house done, it is a helpful beginning 
because it affects the spirits. A working 
worilan needs working clothes. If they be 
pretty as well as comfortable and appro- 
priate, they give an impetus toward cheer- 
ful labor that is not to be lightly estimated. 

A woman who learns to be her own maid 
and makes a success of the work must 
adopt it as a business and must devote her- 
self to her tasks with regularity and sys- 
434 


WITHOUT A MAID 


tern. She must be firm against intrusion 
and interruption from the outside world. 
She must adopt housekeeping as a profes- 
sion and aim, not merely at completing the 
daily round, but at achieving an excellence 
that will in time impart interest to the 
work. Order and simplicity are the two 
laws she must obey if she is to get through 
with dignity and self-respect. An order 
of the day and an order of the week must 
be made out and followed as far as possi- 
ble. System and arrangement are the 
great time savers. To sit down at one’s 
desk once a day or once a week and make 
out conscientiously a list of all the things 
necessary to be done in the time named, 
then divide and tabulate these according 
as seems best, — this use of the brain will 
economize time and will save many a 
weary step. 

Orderliness in work leads most directly 
to that harmony and peace in housekeep- 
435 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ing which the average woman is so fearful 
of losing when she takes up the labor for 
herself. The writer used frequently to 
take luncheon at the house of a clever 
friend who cooked and served the meals. 
Her cooking could always be counted on 
as delicious; but it was the serving, that 
Scylla and Charybdis in one, of most 
women who must “do” entirely for them- 
selves, that astonished and delighted one. 
On a side table, ready for her hand, were 
placed the extra dishes needed. On this, 
too, was room for those things only tempo- 
rarily necessary on the dining-table. The 
occasions when the hostess must rise to 
serve her guests were reduced by the per- 
fection of her arrangements to a mini- 
mum. When she was compelled to visit 
pantry or kitchen, she left the table with- 
out a flurry and was back with the article 
in question almost before one realized her 
departure. This grace in service was 
436 


WITHOUT A MAID 


partly, of course, a matter of nature, but 
it was largely due to trained and system- 
atic habits of work. These greased the 
wheels of housekeeping and made them 
run more or less smoothly. 

The woman without a maid must culti- 
vate simplicity as well as order in her 
household arrangements. To do this re- 
quires some originality of soul and mind. 
She must model her work not upon what 
her neighbors and friends do, but upon 
what she thinks necessary to be done for 
the comfort and good health of herself 
and those dependent upon her. She must 
not attempt more things than she can do 
well. Many a young woman who starts 
out with joyous intention to be cook for 
husband and family, fails in her intention 
by reason of planning too large a bill of 
fare. For beginners, at least, it is well to 
cut out made desserts and pretentious sal- 
ads. A cream soup with a broiled steak, 
437 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

potatoes nicely cooked, lettuce with a 
French dressing, coffee and fruit, make a 
dinner which, if neatly served, affords 
nourishment and delight to the ordinary 
man. How much better to attempt noth- 
ing more than this and make a success of 
it than to try for roast, two or three vege- 
tables, an intricate salad and a pudding, — 
to have these imperfectly achieved and 
awkwardly served. For it goes without 
saying that it is much more difficult to 
serve an elaborate than a simple meal. 
Also the elaborate meal demands for serv- 
ing many more dishes and the extra dishes 
make added work in the dish-washing 
which follows a meal as the night the 
day. Simplicity of living must be the aim 
of the woman who does her own work. 
It is only by cultivating simplicity that she 
can live restfully and with the taste that 
makes for beauty. 

In a household where no servant is em- 
438 


WITHOUT A MAID 


ployed each member of the family should 
regularly perform certain duties. Where 
there is a family of some size all the work 
should not be crowded upon the shoulders 
of the mistress. If one person does the 
dusting, another the mending, another the 
cooking, another the sweeping, and so on 
through the list of necessary employment 
in a household, the burden need not fall 
too heavily upon any one. No paid servant 
can feel the interest in successful achieve- 
ment that rewards the effort of those who 
are laboring for the convenience and 
beauty of their own home. A household 
conducted on plans of the most rigid 
economy may still be cheerful and even 
charming if the members of it choose to 
view the matter in a sort of Bohemian, 
picnicking spirit. If the duties are as- 
signed with regard to the tastes and 
capacities of each, no real hardship is in- 
volved and a spirit of gaiety is invoked by 
439 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

the concerted effort at producing comfort 
with the expenditure of little money. 

An utter absence of pretense is the only 
graceful attitude in a home conducted in 
the way described. To be ashamed of the 
work one does and to try to conceal it re- 
sults in an uneasy, hypocritical manner 
and deceives no one. ‘T almost opened 
my own door when she called on me,” said 
a silly, snobbish, impecunious woman in 
telling of the visit paid her by a rich resi- 
dent of the neighborhood. The remark 
blinded no one and made the speaker ridic- 
ulous. 

There are books of various kinds writ- 
ten for the help of the woman who must 
get on without a maid. These often can 
make for her a quicker and better path to 
her goal than she can work out alone and 
unaided. One of the best known stories 
about the great English statesman, 
Charles James Fox, is of his learning to 

440 


WITHOUT A MAID 


carve. He determined to make a conquest 
of this branch of knowledge as he did 
of any other attempted by him. Day after 
day he brought to the dining-table with 
him a book on carving, and cut the fowl or 
joint placed before him in accordance with 
the rules of the book. His subsequent 
beautiful caiwing was the result of this 
method, of his willingness to learn the best 
way of doing whatever he attempted. 

Reliable books on cooking, on the rel- 
ative value of foods, on sanitary house- 
keeping, are not hard to find, while the 
magazines and papers are full of happy 
suggestions on these and kindred themes. 
A woman who intends to be her own maid 
should possess some reliable volumes on 
her subject, should make her work more 
interesting to herself and more valuable 
to her family by a reference to authorities 
on her subject. The more one knows about 
the work one has in hand, the more one is 


441 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

apt to care for it. And enthusiasm for 
one’s task, in its turn, begets good work. 

No woman upon whom falls the burden 
of keeping her own house should feel per- 
manently discouraged. She may learn to 
do her task not only with comfort but with 
grace. The difficulties in her way can be 
surmounted through experience and 
study. If she has a natural liking for the 
ordering and managing of a house, her 
work may become a delight. “Why do 
you look so sad?” said one to another. 
“Because I have a perfect maid,” said the 
second. “All my life until recently I kept 
house for my husband and myself. 
Housekeeping was my passion as music 
is yours. Now my husband insists that I 
shall keep a maid. She knows her business. 
It would spoil her if I helped. I am a 
stranger in my own kitchen. Wouldn’t 
you be unhappy if you had no opportunity 
to play Chopin and Beethoven? Well, I 

442 


WITHOUT A MAID 


am miserable because I can’t concoct sal- 
ads and soups.” This testimony to the 
joys of housekeeping is extreme, but it 
may serve to cheer some beginner in do- 
mestic labor who sees only duty but no 
pleasure in the work. 


443 


XXXVII 


WOMAN IN BUSINESS RELATIONS 

The number of women who enter into 
business life and the number of avenues 
open to them for earning a living are con- 
stantly increasing. And however much we 
may be disposed to ridicule the agitation 
concerning woman’s progress and the 
rights of woman, no fair-minded person 
can fail to recognize the happy changes 
such agitation in the last decade has 
wrought in the attitude of the world 
toward women who make their own way in 
it. The old-fashioned prejudice of gen- 
tility against a woman employing her 
powers to make money has very largely 
disappeared. Many a delicate-minded 
woman of the old school has lived in pov- 
erty or has incurred unwillingly financial 

444 


WOMAN IN BUSINESS 


obligations to family connections because 
of the prejudice against her doing some- 
thing for herself, because of the feeling 
that her social position, a matter naturally 
of high importance to a woman, would be 
injured by her stepping out of the family 
niche and picking up something for her- 
self on the highway open to all. She 
feared more even than this, perhaps, the 
loss of those particularly feminine attrib- 
utes and charms so dear to every real 
woman’s heart. In the old-fashioned con- 
ception of a woman who worked outside 
of her own home, it used to be taken for 
granted that she must be denied social 
consideration and must give up her share 
of fun in the world. 

All this is now a matter of past history 
and is recalled only for the purpose of 
showing the contrast between her former 
outlook and her present one. Except in a 
few ultra-fashionable communities in the 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

United States, the social position of a 
woman in business is not affected unhap- 
pily by her work. Provided she has the 
qualities requisite for social recognition 
and consideration, her business is no detri- 
ment. She has the same general oppor- 
tunities for social recreation that offer 
themselves to a man of business, and it 
often happens that her work gives a zest 
to the enjoyment of such opportunities, 
unknown to women of idler habits. The 
writer has in mind, as an example, an en- 
gaging young woman who serves most ac- 
ceptably as attendant in the public library 
of a western city. Her duties keep her 
from nine in the morning till six in the 
evening, but they have not, in the least, ob- 
scured her charmingly agreeable personal 
quality. She is much in demand. The 
number of her masculine admirers is large 
enough to excite the envy of many a girl 
whose father’s bank account is a large one. 

446 ' 


WOMAN IN BUSINESS 


The attention she gives to her work seems 
to impart an added vivacity to her play- 
time. 

Notwithstanding the fact, however, that 
a woman may enjoy the leisure she has for 
social demands as much after entering 
business life as before, she must not carry 
the little graces and amenities of society 
into business life. Business is business 
with a woman as weir as a man, and the 
woman who succeeds in the calling she has 
chosen is the one who does not attempt to 
mix its details with matters of a more 
recreative nature. She must not expect to 
win favors by any but the straightforward 
method of doing her work well. The 
prejudice which so long existed among 
men against women in business relations 
was partly caused by the thought that they 
could never forget that they were women, 
could never discuss work or business rela- 
tions on impersonal and rational grounds. 

447 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

The first lesson a woman must learn in 
making her own way financially is to ap- 
preciate the fact that the office, the shop, 
whatever be her place of employment, is 
no place for superfluous courtesies. The 
cultivation of a cool, matter-of-fact, un- 
sentimental way of looking at the work 
in hand, is the only path to honorable 
achievement. 

What a woman wears, cheap moralists 
to the contrary, is always important. It is 
especially important in business relations 
because the impression she creates is de- 
pendent upon it. The self-supporting 
woman, when about her work, should not 
dress elaborately or conspicuously. Bright 
colors, jewels, unusual looking hats should 
be rigidly barred from her wardrobe. She 
should be dressed quietly but with exqui- 
site neatness and, as far as possible, in the 
prevailing mode. To avoid singularity in 
color, in fashion and material must be her 


448 


WOMAN IN BUSINESS 

aim. Unobtrusiveness in style, care in the 
manner of putting on her clothes, these 
go a long way toward creating the proper 
appearance for the woman in business. 
Human nature being as it is, the properly 
gowned woman of business has a consider- 
ably better chance than the one who is 
dowdily dressed. 

It is very commonly said that men have 
larger interests than women and that one 
reason for this lies in the fact that, in their 
every-day work, they form, naturally and 
easily, relations with many people ; where- 
as a woman’s relations with the world too 
often come through the more artificial 
channels of pleasure. A woman in busi- 
ness has the same opportunity for meeting 
people on real ground that a man has. She 
should take advantage of these openings 
to healthful communication with her kind. 
We have all come in contact with women 
who have been thus broadened and have 
449 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

realized in them a kind of attraction not 
to be found in women leading more se- 
cluded lives. It is well in summing up the 
pros and cons of the business woman’s life 
to lay stress on her advantages, and the 
one just named is one of which she should 
make the most. 

Women, as a class, are sometimes ac- 
cused of a lack of method in the perform- 
ance of their tasks. This is owing to the 
fact that the duties of domestic life may 
often be performed at any hour the house- 
keeper chooses and that attention to them 
is not rigidly fixed as to time, A business 
career is often an effectual remedy for 
desultory habits. And this is the reason 
that many women who have served a time 
as wage-earners come back to housekeep- 
ing with renewed energy and ability. The 
best housekeepers the writer has ever 
known were retired women of business. 
They put into the tasks of the home the 

450 


WOMAN IN BUSINESS 

method, the promptness they learned in a 
more exacting field. This is the place to 
say, however, that women who are en- 
gaged the greater part of the day in of- 
fices, in libraries, in shops should not be 
expected to engage to any large degree in 
household duties. It sometimes happens 
that the members of a family circle in 
which one woman goes out to earn her 
bread and butter, have little consideration 
for her tired state of mind and body when 
she leaves her work and returns to her 
home. They expect of her a double duty 
and this is manifestly unfair. It is most 
important that a business woman have rest 
or diversion in her spare time so that she 
will not get into a rut, so that she may do 
justice to her work. 

Her family should not forget that her 
money-making powers are crippled by 
forced attention to other duties. Men are 
treated far more considerately in this re- 
451 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

gard than women. Nothing is allowed to 
interfere with the average business man’s 
arrangements. To facilitate these every- 
thing possible is done by his family. This 
may be because men are more insistent, 
because they have a way of demanding 
their rights. It would be well for women 
in business, well also for their families, 
that they should ‘look sharp” and pursue 
the same policy. 


452 


XXXVIII 


A FINANCIAL STUDY FOR OUR YOUNG MAR- 
RIED COUPLE 

Thirty years ago I held a heart-to-heart 
talk with reasonable, well-meaning hus- 
bands on the vital subject of the mone- 
tary relations between man and wife. 

I quote a paragraph the force of which 
has been confirmed to my mind by the ad- 
ditional experience and observation of 
three more decades than were set to my 
credit upon the age-roll when I penned 
the words : 

‘T have studied this matter long and 
seriously, and I offer you as the result of 
my observation in various walks of life, 
and careful calculation of labor and ex- 
pense, the bold assertion that every wife 
who performs her part, even tolerably 

453 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

well, in whatsoever rank of society, more 
than earns her living, and that this should 
be an acknowledged fact with both parties 
to the marriage contract. The idea of her 
dependence upon her husband is essen- 
tially false and mischievous, and should 
be done away with, at once and for ever. 
It has crushed self-respect out of thou- 
sands of women; it has scourged thou- 
sands from the marriage-altar to the 
tomb, with a whip of scorpions; it has 
driven many to desperation and crime.” 

I have headed this chapter Finan- 
cial Study for Our Young Married 
Couple/" because I have little hope of 
changing the opinions and custom of 
the mature benedict. One youthful wed- 
ded pair should come to a rational mutual 
understanding in the first week of house- 
keeping as to an equitable division of the 
income on which they are to live together. 

If you — our generic “John” — shrink 

454 


OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 


from coining down to “cold business” be- 
fore the echoes of the wedding-bells have 
died in ear and in heart, call the discussion 
a “Matter of Marriage Etiquette,” and 
approach it confidently. And do you, Mrs. 
John, meet his overtures in a straightfor- 
ward, sensible way, with no foolish shrink- 
ing from the idea of even apparent inde- 
pendence of him to whom you have in- 
trusted your person and your happiness. 

It is, of course, your part to harken 
quietly to whatever proposition your more 
businesslike spouse may make as to the 
just partition, not of his means, which are 
likewise yours, but of the sums you are 
respectively to handle and to spend. Do 
not accept what he apportions for your 
use as a benefaction. He has endowed you 
with all his worldly goods, and the law 
confirms the endowment to a certain ex- 
tent. You are a co-proprietor — not a pen- 
sioner. If, while the glamour of Love’s 
455 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

Young Dream envelops and dazes you, 
you are chilled by what seems sordid and 
commonplace, take the word of an old 
campaigner for it that the time will come 
when your “allowance” will be a factor 
in happiness as well as in comfort. 

May I quote to John another and a 
longer extract from the thirty-year-old 
“Talk concerning Allowances?” 

“Set aside from your income what you 
adjudge to be a reasonable and liberal 
sum for the maintenance of your house- 
hold in the style suitable for people of 
your means and position. Determine what 
purchases you will yourself make, and 
what shall be intrusted to your wife, and 
put the money needed for her proportion 
into her care as frankly as you take charge 
of your share. Try the experiment of 
talking to her as if she were a business 
partner. Let her understand what you can 
afford to do, and what you can not. If 
456 


OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 

in this explanation you can say ‘we’ and 
‘ours,’ you will gain a decided moral ad- 
vantage, although it may be at the cost 
of masculine prejudice and pride of 
power. Impress upon her mind that a 
certain sum, made over to her apart from 
the rest, is hers absolutely, not a present 
from you, but her honest earnings, and 
that you would not be honest were you to 
withhold it. And do not ask her ‘if that 
will do?’ any more than you would ad- 
dress the question to any other woman. 
With what cordial detestation wives re- 
gard that brief query which drops, like 
a sentence of the Creed, from husbandly 
lips, I leave your spouse to tell you. Also, 
if she ever heard of a woman who an- 
swered anything but ‘Yes!’ ” 

Carrying out the idea of co-partner- 
ship, should your wife exceed her allow^ 
ance, running herself, and consequently 
you, into debt, meet the exigency as you 
457 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


would a similar indiscretion on the part 
of a young and inexperienced member of 
your firm. Treat the extravagance as a 
mistake, not a fault. Not one girl-wife 
in one hundred who has not been a wage- 
earner has had any experience in the 
management of finances. The father 
gives the daughter money when she (or 
her mother) tells him that she needs it, or 
would like to have it. When it is gone he 
is applied to for more. She has been a 
beneficiary all her life, usually an ir- 
responsible, thoughtless recipient of what 
is lavished or doled out to her, according 
to the parental whim and means. 

Teach her business methods, tactfully, 
yet decidedly. 

One young wife I wot of began keep- 
ing the expense-book presented to her by 
her husband with these entries : 

January fourth. Received $75.00 
(Seventy-five dollars). 

458 


OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 

January sixth. Spent $70.25 shop- 
ping, etc. 

“Balance — $4.75 set down to Profit and 
Loss.” 

After fifteen years of married life her 
husband died, bequeathing the whole of 
a large estate to her, and making her sole 
guardian of their three children, — a con- 
fidence fully justified by her conduct of 
the affairs thus committed to her. 

“My husband trained me patiently and 
thoroughly,” she said to one who compli- 
mented her financial sagacity. “I was an 
ignoramus when we were married.” 

Then laughingly she related the “profit 
and loss” incident. 

It is the fashion to sneer at women’s 
business methods. Who are to blame for 
their blunders? 

Should your wife play with her allow- 
ance, as a child with a new toy, let cen- 
sure fall upon those who have kept her 
459 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

in leading-strings. Teach her gradually 
to comprehend her responsibilities. The 
sense of them will steady her un- 
less she be exceptionally feather-brained. 
Be she wasteful or frugal, the allowance 
you have made to her is as honestly hers 
to have, to hold or to spend, as the third 
of your estate which the law will give her 
in the event of your death. 

“Settlements,” according to the Eng- 
lish sense of the word, are not yet com- 
mon in the United States. One Amer- 
ican father, whose daughter was on the 
eve of marriage with an Englishman, or- 
dered the prospective groom out of the 
house when the foreigner queried inno- 
cently as to the “settlements” the future 
father-in-law intended to make upon his 
child. 

A man with a reputation for fortune- 
hunting had nearly rid himself of the slur 
by insisting that his fiancee’s large estate 

460 


OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 

should be settled absolutely upon herself. 
Her quondam guardian put a different 
complexion on the generous act by di- 
vulging the circumstance that the hus- 
band, by the same “settlement,” had made 
himself sole trustee of his wife’s property 
of every description. 

While there are, perhaps, fewer purely 
mercenary marriages in our country 
than in any other, it can not be denied 
that a large proportion of enterprising 
young men act, consciously, or unwit- 
tingly, on the advice of the Scotchman 
who warned his son not to marry for 
money, but in seeking a wife, “to gae 
where money is.” 

“Is he marrying her fortune, or her- 
self?” asked one gossip of another when 
an approaching bridal was spoken of. 

“They say he is very much in love with 
her!” was the answer, uttered dubiously. 
“I fancy, however, that he would have re- 
461 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

pressed his passion, if she were a poor 
girl.” 

Which brings us to a much more deli- 
cate matter than the division of the in- 
come earned, or inherited, by the bride- 
groom. 

It is a fact that may have much sig- 
nificance — or none — ^that the bride makes 
no mention of endowing her husband with 
all, or any portion, of her worldly goods. 
It is likewise significant that laws (of 
man’s devising) take it for granted that 
her property goes with her, so that in most 
of our states it is his without other act of 
gift than the marriage ceremony. 

The man who marries for money has 
no scruples as to the acceptance and the 
use of it. Sometimes it is squandered; 
sometimes, but not often, it is hoarded; 
most frequently “it goes into the hus- 
band’s business” and is invested by him 
for the benefit of himself and his family. 

462 


OUR YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE 


The nicer issue with which we have to 
do is how our conscientious John, who 
would have married his best girl if she had 
not possessed one penny in her own right, 
is to comport himself with regard to the 
fortune, modest or considerable, which she 
brings to him as dowry. 

Briefly and clearly — as a trust not to be 
committed to the chances and changes of 
his individual ventures. No investment 
should be made of his wife’s money with- 
out her knowledge and full consent. In 
all that he does where her funds are in- 
volved, he should be her actuary, and what 
profits result from “operations” with her 
funds should be settled on herself and 
children. By this course alone can he re- 
tain his self-respect, his reputation as an 
honorable man, and certainly disabuse his 
wife’s mind of any possible suspicion that 
his affection was not wholly for her. 


463 


XXXIX 


MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES 

The arrangement between husband and 
wife concerning money matters should be 
no more definite and business-like than 
that subsisting between father and chil- 
dren. To be taught early the real value 
of money is a distinct assistance to finan- 
cial integrity in later life. To have in 
one’s possession, even as a child, a sum 
wholly one’s own, conduces to a feeling 
of self-respect and independence. As 
soon as a child is old enough to know what 
money is and that, for money, things are 
bought and sold, he should have an al- 
lowance, be it only a penny a week. Sug- 
gestions, but not commands, as to its ex- 
penditure should accompany the gift. 
Gradually the weekly or monthly amount 
464 


MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES 


should be increased, and instructions 
should be given as to its possible use. 

A child may be advised properly to di- 
vide his small funds between pleasure and 
charity, or between the things bought 
solely for his own benefit and those for the 
benefit of others, the value of the expendi- 
ture, in each case, being dependent on the 
freedom of his choice. As he grows older 
he should be taught to expend money 
for necessities. He should be trained to 
buy his own clothes and other personal be- 
longings. This sort of training, often 
disastrously neglected, is of far more 
practical value than many things taught 
in the schools. The feeling of responsi- 
bility engendered in children or young 
people by trusting them with a definite 
amount of money for certain general pur- 
poses, can scarcely fail of a happy result. 
It binds them to a performance of duty 
while it confers, at the same time, a de- 
465 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

licious sense of freedom. An allowance 
for necessities gives its recipient liberty of 
choice in expenditure, but the choice must 
be judicious or the recipient suffers. This 
it does not take him long to find out. 

Many a man who refuses his sons and 
daughters allowances, permits them to run 
up large bills at the various shops where 
they trade. Exactly what the amount of 
these bills will be he never knows, except 
that it is sure to be larger than he wishes. 
The children of such a man never have 
any ready money. They do not know 
what to count on and, in consequence, 
not being trusted, they exercise all their 
ingenuity to outwit the head of the fam- 
ily and to trick from him exactly as much 
money as possible. A young woman with 
somewhat extravagant tendencies, who 
belonged to the class of the unallowanced, 
begged her father for a new gown. She 
pleaded and pleaded in vain. Finally, he 
466 


MORE ABOUT ALLOWANCES 


said if she had anything that could be 
made over, he would stand for the bill. 
This word to the wise was sufficient. She 
took the waist-band of an old gown to her 
modiste who built upon it a beautiful 
frock for which she likewise sent in a 
beautiful bill. Fortunately this daughter 
had a father who was a connoisseur in wit, 
and who could appreciate a joke even at 
his own expense. But the example will 
serve, as well as another, to illustrate the 
lengths to which a woman may resort 
when not treated as a reasonable and rea- 
soning creatm’e about money matters. 

‘T would rather have one-half the 
amount of money of which I might other- 
wise have the use, and have it in the form 
of an allowance,” said a young woman 
who was discussing, with other young 
women, the subject of expenditures. “If 
I know what I am to have, I can spend it 
to much better advantage. I can exercise 
467 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

some method in my purchases. If I don’t 
know, I am likely to spend a large sum 
on some two or three articles with the 
hope that more is coming. Suddenly and 
imexpectedly father sets his foot down on 
further bills, and there I am with a dream 
of a hat but no shoes, or with a ball-gown 
and not a coat to my back.” 

Money plays some part in the life of 
every human being belonging to a civil- 
ized nation. The question of successful 
and skilful expenditure is a vital ques- 
tion for the majority of people. It is not 
a question that can be solved without 
training. Yet we educate children in 
various unimportant matters, and, for the 
most part, leave this of money untouched. 
In no way can a child or a young person 
be taught so readily and so quickly the 
proper use of money as by limiting his 
expenses to a certain sum, which sum he 
nevertheless controls. 

468 


XL 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS THAT ARE 
BIG THINGS 

Seeing the prevalence of rudeness in 
human intercourse, one is forced to be- 
lieve that the natural man is a cross- 
grained brute. That breeding and cul- 
ture often convert him into a creature of 
gentleness and refinement speaks volumes 
for the powers of such influence. The 
average man seems to take a savage de- 
light in occasionally giving vent to brutal 
or cutting speech. To yield thus to a 
primal and savage instinct is to prove that 
breeding and refinement are lacking. 

There are certain business men who, 
during business hours, meet one with a 
brusk manner that would not be par- 
doned in a petty tradesman. If we visit 
them on their own business, — not as in- 
469 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

truders, — is the same. They seem to 
feel that a certain disagreeable humor is 
an indispensable accompaniment to the 
occasion. Such insolence is usually taken 
as a matter of course by the recipient, who 
immediately feels penitent at the thought 
of his intrusion. 

Too often the physician who is not a 
gentleman-at-heart, trades on the fact 
that his patients regard him as a necessity, 
and is as disagreeable as his temper at the 
moment demands that he shall be. He 
intimates that he is so busy that he has 
scarcely time to give his advice; that the 
person he attends had no business to get 
ill, and, in fact, makes himself generally 
so disagreeable it is to be wondered 
at that the sufferer ever calls in this man 
again. Yet in a drawing-room, and talk- 
ing to a well person, this man’s manner 
would be charming. One sometimes feels 
that sick people and physicians might well 
470 


AFEWOF THE LITTLE THINGS 

be classed as “patients” and “impatients.” 

It is but fair to remark that, to the 
credit of physicians, it is not always 
those who have had the largest experience, 
or who stand at the head of their profes- 
sion who deserve to come under the above 
condenmation. The men to whom the 
world looks for advice in the matters of 
which they have made a study, and who 
are sure of their standing, are often the 
gentlest, the most courteous. 

Our busy men have need to remember 
that the man who is gentle at heart shows 
that gentleness in counting-room and of- 
fice as well as in drawing-room and din- 
ing-room, and the fact that the person 
calling on him for business purposes or 
advice is a woman, should compel him to 
show the politeness which 

— “is to do and say 
The kindest thing in the kindest way.” 


471 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

On the other hand, common courtesy^ 
and consideration for another demand 
that the person who intrudes on a man 
when he is busy should state his business 
briefly, and then take his departure. Only 
the busy man or woman knows the agony 
that comes with the knowledge that the 
precious moments of the working hours 
are being frittered away on that which is 
unnecessary, when necessary work is 
standing by, begging for the attention it 
deserves and should receive. Let him who 
would be careful on points of etiquette re- 
member that there is an etiquette of work- 
ing hours as well as of the hours of leisure 
and sociability. 

Perhaps the lapse from good breeding* 
most common in general society is the ask- 
ing of questions. One is aghast at the 
evidence of impertinent curiosity that 
parades under the guise of friendly in- 
terest. Interrogations as to the amount 
472 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 


of one’s income, occupation, and even as 
to one’s age and general condition, are 
legion and inexcusable. Every one who 
writes — be he a well-known author or a 
penny-a-liner — knows only too well the 
query, “What are you writing now?” and 
knows, too, the feeling of impotent rage 
awakened by this query. Yet, unless one 
would be as rude as his questioner, he 
must smile inanely and make an evasive 
answer. 

To ask no question does not, of neces- 
sity, mean a lack of interest in the person 
with whom one is conversing. A polite 
and sympathetic attention will show a 
more genuine and appreciative interest 
than much inquisitiveness. 

While we are on this subject, it may be 
well to mention that a lack of interest in 
what is being told one is a breach of 
courtesythat is all too common. Often one 
sees a man or woman deliberately pick up 
473 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

a book or paper, open it and glance over 
it while his interlocutor is in the midst of 
a story he means to make interesting. If 
the conversation is interesting, it deserves 
the undivided attention of both persons; 
if what is being said is not worth atten- 
tion, the listener should at least respect the 
speaker’s intention to please. There is 
nothing more dampening to conversa- 
tional enthusiasm, or more “squelching’* 
to eloquence, than to find the eyes of the 
person with whom one is talking fixed on 
a book or magazine, which he declares he 
is simply “looking over,” or at whose 
pictirres he is “only glancing.” 

A good listener is in himself an inspi- 
ration. Even if one is not attracted by the 
person to whom one is talking, one should 
assume interest. This rule also holds 
good with regard to the attention given to 
a public speaker. In listening to a 
preacher or to a lecturer, one should look 
474 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 


at him steadily, — not allowing the eyes to 
wander about the building and along ceil- 
ing and walls. This habit of a seemingly 
fixed attention is easily cultivated. If 
one is really interested in the address, 
it aids in the enjoyment and compre- 
hension of it to watch the speaker’s facial 
play and gestures. If one is bored, one 
may yet fix the eyes upon the face of 
the person to whom one is supposed to be 
listening, and continue to think one’s own 
thoughts and to plan one’s own plans. 
And certainly the person who is exerting 
himself for the entertainment of his au- 
dience will speak better and be more com- 
fortable for the knowledge that eyes be- 
longing to some one who is apparently ab- 
sorbed in his address, are fixed upon him. 

Conditions under which otherwise polite 
persons feel that they can be rude are 
those attendant on a telephone-conver- 
sation. With the first “Hello” many a 
475 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 


man drops his courtesy as if it were a gar- 
ment that did not fit him. And women do 
the same. If the “Central” were to record 
all that she (it seems to be usually a 
“she”) hears, and all that is said to her, 
our ears would tingle. True it is, that she 
often is surly, pert, and ill-mannered. 
But if she is ill-bred, that is no reason for 
the “connecting parties” to follow suit. 
Were one really amenable to arrest for 
profanity over the wires, the police would 
be kept busy if they performed their 
duty. 

But putting aside the underbred who 
swears, let us listen for a moment to the 
so-called courteous person, — for he is 
courteous under ordinary circumstances: 

“Hello! Central! how long are you go- 
ing to keep me waiting? I told you I 
wanted ‘3040 Spring.’ Yes! I did say that! 
and if you would pay attention to your 
business you would know it! I never saw 
476 


A FEWOF THE LITTLE THINGS 

such a worthless set as they have at that 
Central office. Got them, did you? It’s 
time! Hello, 3040, is that you? Well, why 
the devil didn’t you send that stuff around 
this morning? Going to, right away, are 
you? Well, it’s time you did. What ails 
you people, anyway? No!! Central!!! I’m 
not through, and I wish to heaven you’d 
let this line alone when I’m talking,” and 
so on, ad infinitum. 

Is all this worth while, and is it neces- 
sary? And must women, who, as they call 
themselves ladies, do not give vent to ex- 
pressed profanity, so far copy the man- 
ners of the so-called stronger sex that 
they scream like shrews over the tele- 
phone? 

Calling one day on a woman whom 
I had met with pleasure half-a-dozen 
times, I was the unwilling listener to 
her conversation with her grocer. She 
began by rating Central for not ask- 
477 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

ing “What number?” as soon as the re- 
ceiver was lifted from the hook. Having 
warmed up to business on this unseen 
girl, she got still more heated with the 
grocer at the other end of the wire. She 
had ordered one kind of apples, and he 
had sent her another, and the slip of paper 
containing the list of her purchases had 
an item of a five-cent box of matches that 
she had not ordered. With regard to all 
of which she expostulated shrilly and with 
numerous exclamations that were as near 
as she dared come to masculine explosives, 
— such as “Great Heavens!” “Goodness 
gracious!” and so forth. After threaten- 
ing to transfer her custom to another 
grocer, and refusing to accept the apol- 
ogy of the abject tradesman, she compro- 
mised by saying that she would give him 
another trial, and hung up the receiver, 
coming into the parlor and beginning 
conversation once more in the even society 

478 


AFBWOFTHE LITTLETHINGS 

voice I had invariably heard before from 
her. 

That the ways of telephones and the 
persons who operate them are trying, no 
one can deny, — least of all, the writer of 
this chapter, who lives in a house with one 
of these maddening essentials to human 
comfort But the loss of temper that man- 
ifests itself in outward speech is not a 
requisite of the proper appreciation and 
use of the telephone. It is nothing less 
than a habit, and a pernicious one, — ^this 
way we have of talking into the trans- 
mitter. Let us remember that courtesy 
pays better than curses, and politeness 
better than profanity. If not, then let us 
have poorer service from Central and pre- 
serve our self-respect. 

The breeding of a woman is often 
shown by the manner she uses when shop- 
ping or marketing. Courtesy to clerks, to 
tradesmen of every sort is the mark of a 
479 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

“lady,” the word used in that beautiful 
old-fashioned sense to which, alas! we have 
grown a little callous. While a customer 
has the right measurably to see what a 
shop affords before she makes her choice, 
she has no right to give a clerk the trouble 
of taking out everything when she has no 
intention of buying. If she gives much 
trouble before her decision as to a purchase 
is reached she should thank the clerk in 
charge for his extra labor. The fact that 
he is paid for his time does not make this 
duty the less. 

Altercations with clerks and other sub- 
ordinates in a shop are in execrable taste, 
are often a sign of an hysterical as well as 
a choleric temper. 

If women should be considerate in their 
manner toward employees of the shops 
where they trade, it is quite as true that 
clerks should be trained to civility by their 
employers. For instance, a part of the 
480 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 


duty of clerks is, of course, to keep watch 
over the articles sold. To do this it is not 
necessary, however, to watch the customer 
as if she were a prospective thief. This 
attitude on the part of the clerk is not 
pleasant for the customer and does not en- 
courage trade. 

The suspicious attitude is, however, no 
worse than the familiar one employed by 
some of the young women serving in 
shops. A clerk who insists upon urging a 
customer to buy because the article in 
question has proved so satisfactory in her 
own, the clerk’s family, or the young 
woman who calls one “dearie” or “honey” 
as she fits a cloak upon one or manipulates 
one’s millinery, should be promptly re- 
ported at the office. The relation between 
clerk and customer should be always for- 
mal and courteous on both sides. 

Marketing is a branch of shopping in 
which many women not fundamentally ill- 
481 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

natured, have the appearance of being so. 
There is a kind of ugly scrutiny which 
many women apply to the inspection of 
vegetables, meat and other edibles that is 
most unattractive. If these women had an 
idea of the way they look when they bend 
their hard, cold eyes upon the innocent 
vegetables and fruits, they would, at any 
cost, cultivate a more agreeable manner. 
Beware of the marketing stare. 

A rudeness of which people who should 
know better are frequently guilty is that 
of criticizing a dear friend of the person 
to whom one is talking. This is not only 
ill-mannered, but actually unkind, and one 
of many flagrant violations of the Gk)lden 
Buie. If a man loves his friend, do not 
call his attention to that friend’s failings, 
nor twit him on his fondness for such a 
person. He is happier for not seeing the 
failings, and if the friendship brings him 
any happiness, or makes life even a little 
482 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 

pleasanter for him, do not be guilty of the 
cruelty of clouding that happiness. If the 
man does see the faults of him he loves, 
and loyally ignores them, pretend that you 
are not aware of the foibles toward which 
he would have you believe him blind. The 
knowledge of the peccadilloes of those in 
whom we trust comes only too soon; we 
need not hurry on the always disappoint- 
ing, often bitter knowledge. 

Perhaps lack of breeding shows in noth- 
ing more than in the manner of receiving 
an invitation. Should a man say, patroniz- 
ingly, “Oh, perhaps I can arrange to 
come,” — ^when you invite him to some 
function, write him down as unworthy of 
another invitation. He is lacking in re- 
spect to you and in appreciation of the 
honor you confer on him in asking him to 
partake of the hospitality you have de- 
vised. 

“Really,” protests one man plaintively, 
483 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

‘‘I am very tired! I have been out every 
night for two weeks, and now you want 
me for to-morrow night. I am doubtful 
whether I ought to come. I am so weary 
that I feel I need rest.” 

The stately woman who had asked him 
to her house, smiled amusedly: 

“Pray let me settle your doubts for 
you,” she said, “and urge you not to neg- 
lect the rest nature demands. Your first 
duty is to her, not to me.” 

The man was too obtuse or too conceited 
to perceive the veiled sarcasm, and to know 
that the invitation was withdrawn. 

Unless one receives special permission 
from the person giving an invitation to 
hold the matter open for some good and 
sufficient reason, one should accept or de- 
cline a verbal invitation as soon as it is 
given. If circumstances make this impos- 
sible, one should apologize for hesitating, 
saying, “I am so anxious to come that I am 

484 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 

going to ask your permission to send you 
my answer later, after I ascertain if my 
husband has no engagement for that even- 
ing,” — or some such form. The would-be 
hostess will readily grant such a request. 

It may seem far-fetched to speak of in- 
gratitude as a breach of etiquette, but the 
lack of acknowledgment of favors is very 
much like it. The man who accepts all 
done for him as his due, who forgets the 
“thank you” in return for the trifling fa- 
vor, is not a gentleman — in that respect, 
at least. The young men and young wom- 
en of to-day are too often spoiled or heed- 
less, taking pretty attentions offered them 
as matters of course, and as their right. 

In this chapter on miscellaneous eti- 
quette it may be well to enforce what is 
said elsewhere with regard to the respect 
every man should show to women. For in- 
stance, every man who really respects the 
women of his family will remove his hat 
485 


EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

when he enters the house. There are, how- 
ever, men who kiss these same women with 
covered heads. 

In a well-known play acted by a travel- 
ing company some years ago in a small 
town, the hero, standing in a garden, told 
the heroine he loved her, was accepted by 
her, and bent to kiss her, without removing 
the conventional derby from his blond 
pate. All sentiment was destroyed for the 
spectators when irate Hibernian accents 
sounded forth from the gallery with: 
“Suppose ye take off yer hat, ye ill-man- 
nered blokey!” 

The Irishman was in the right. 

Before closing this chapter on miscel- 
laneous points of etiquette, I would say a 
word to those who, through bashfulness or 
self-consciousness, do the things they 
ought not to do and leave undone those 
things which they ought to do. They are 
so uncomfortable in society, so afraid of 
486 


A FEW OF THE LITTLE THINGS 

not appearing as they should, and so much 
absorbed in wondering how they look and 
act, and wishing that they did better, that 
they are guilty of the very acts of omis- 
sion and commission they would guard 
against. 

If I could give one rule to the bashful 
it would be : Forget yourself and your af- 
fairs in interest in others and their affairs. 
Be so fully occupied noticing how well 
others appear and trying to make every- 
body about you comfortable, that you have 
no time to think of your behavior. You 
will then not be guilty of any flagrant 
breadi of etiquette. The most courteous 
women I have ever known, those whose 
manners were a charm to all whom they 
met, were those who were self-forgetful 
and always watching for opportunities to 
make other people comfortable. Such are 
the queens of society. 


487 


XLI 


SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION 

To the uninstructed, socially, the bare 
rules and conventions regulating social 
life seem often meaningless and arbi- 
trary. A careful consideration of these 
conventions, such as it has been the aim of 
this book to give, shows that no one of 
them is without a reason for its being. 
The classification, however, of social 
forms together with the reasons govern- 
ing these forms, does not provide a body 
of knowledge sufficient to serve as guide 
in the matter of comporting oneself easily 
and to advantage socially. There are 
many situations and points of behavior 
that it is impossible for a book of eti- 
quette to cover. The laws laid down are 
only a small social capital. They discuss 
488 


SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION 

the more obvious matters of social con- 
tact. Numerous points, — and these of 
the finer sort, — ^must be left without com- 
ment. In the treatment of these points 
and problems the person desirous of solv- 
ing them properly must rely largely on 
his own good sense. One must apply to 
social exigencies the same methods of rea- 
soning that one applies in meeting the 
other exigencies of life. In a word, one 
must resort to the principle of self-help. 

Much, too, and this in the pleasantest 
fashion, may be done to extend one’s 
knowledge of good form by observation 
of people who have unusual tact and so- 
cial discrimination. In every city, town 
and village, there are such persons who are 
distinguished above their fellow citizens 
by social instinct, by the talent for per- 
forming gracefully and acceptably the 
offices of society. In differing degrees, 
but still perceptibly, these people, like the 
48.9 




EVERYDAY ETIQUETTE 

painter, the musician, the poet, are 
marked by a taste and a thirst for perfec- 
tion. To render social life as interesting, 
as charming, as beautiful as possible, to 
make the social machinery run smoothly 
and without friction, — ^this is their aim. 
Such people give quality to social inter- 
course. They observe the little amenities 
of life with grace. They know how to 
enter a room and how to leave it. They 
convey by the bow with which they greet 
one on the street the proper degree of ac- 
quaintanceship or friendship. They dress 
with propriety. They take time by the 
forelock in the adoption of new devices 
for the entertainment of their friends. 
Their parties are the prettiest ; their 
houses are the most popular. Not neces- 
sarily clever of speech, they are clever in 
small and charming activities. They have 
a marked talent for all the little graces 
that make social intercourse easy and de- 
490 


SELF-HELP AND OBSERVATION 

lightful. This talent, of course, can not 
be communicated, but much may be 
learned by watching its operation. Cer- 
tainly one can gain from it a knowledge 
of particulars, of how to perform certain 
definite acts, even if the conquest of the 
method is impossible. 

It is not difficult in any community to 
discover people who approach more or less 
nearly the type described. They have a 
recognized distinction. To watch them, 
and, by this means, to wrest from them a 
part at least of their secret, is the surest 
way for the individual, timid or unversed 
socially, to discover his own social power 
and to increase it. 


THE END 




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INDEX 


Accepting invitations 

196 

Accounts, keeping 

458 

Acknowledging gifts 

175, 181 

Acknowledging invitations 

1, 4, 7, 9 

Addressing invitations 

6 

Addressing letters 

30 

Afternoon receptions 

54 

Allowances, importance of 

464 

Allowances, children’s weekly sums 

464 

Allowances, expenditure of 

468 

Allowances, value of 

465 

Anniversaries 

62 

Announcements, wedding 

88 

Answering letters 

25, 35 

Arrival at functions 

55 

*‘At Home” days 

16 

“At Homes,” invitations to 

2 

“At Homes” of brides 

89 

Attendants, wedding 

68, 79 

Automobiling, etiquette of 

315 

Bachelor dinners 

190 

Bachelor hospitality 

183 

Bachelor hospitality: chaperon required 

186 

Bachelor hospitality : engaging chaperon 

for 186 


495 


INDEX 


Bachelor hospitality: form of entertaining 184? 

Bachelor hospitality : issuing invitations 1 87 

Bachelor receptions 187 

Bashfulness 487 

Birthday gifts 178 

Boarding-house, etiquette of 282 

Books : care of 266 

Books: borrowing 267 

Bouquets, bridal 86 

Bowing 270 

Box-party : correct seating of 131 

Breakfast, wedding 69, 86 

Bridal dress 82 

Bruskness 469 

Business courtesy 472 

Calling cards 13 

Calls 15 

Calls: “At Home” days 16 

Calls: leaving cards 19 

Calls, returning 23 

Calls, social obligation of 15 

Calls to offer sympathy 22 

Cards 13 

Cards for matron 14 

Cards for men 15 

Cards for mourning 20 

Cards for young women 14 

Cards, style for calling 13 

Cards : when calling I9 


496 


INDEX 


Ceremony, wedding 

74, 81 

Chaperon 

149 

Chaperon at theaters 

152 

Chaperon, duties of 

149, 152 

Chaperon, excursions with 

156 

Chaperon, necessity of 

150 

Chaperon, obligation to 

157 

Chaperon, at college parties 

147 

Charity : organized methods of 

399 

Charity : special fields of 

402 

Charity : settlement work 

403 

Charity : delicacy in gift-making 

406 

Children 

350 

Children at hotels 

289 

Children, authority over 

356 

Children, behavior of 

355 

Children, indulgence to 

351 

Children, obedience of 

361 

Children, place of 

354 

Children, traveling with 

357 

Christening gifts 

178 

Christening parties 

64 

Christmas gifts 

180 

Church acquaintances 

374 

Church companionship 

372 

Church etiquette 

371 

Church etiquette: making friends 

375 

Church etiquette : pastor and parish 

379 

Church etiquette : pew hospitality 

377 


497 


INDEX 


Church etiquette : visiting congregations 

378 

Church etiquette : welcoming strangers 

378 

Clerks : courtesy toward 

480 

Coeducation : social amenities of 

139 

Coeducation: forming friendships 

140 

Coeducation : local etiquette of 

141 

Coeducation: “Don’ts” for girls 143 

, 144, 145 

Coming out 

116 

Coming-out parties 

54 

Condolence 

83, 232 

Conduct toward guest 

219, 224 

Congratulations 

33 

Congratulations, wedding 

75, 85 

Correspondence, value of 

26 

Courtesy 

408 

Courtesy : aged men 

416 

Courtesy: value of deference 

416 

Courtesy : value of discrimination 

411 

Courtesy due elders 

408 

Criticism, rudeness of 

482 

Dancing parties 

58 

Debutante 

116 

Debutante, age of 

117 

Debutante, apparel of 

119, 121 

Debutante, coming out 

116 

Debutante, conduct of 

121 

Debutante, significance of 

117 

Declining invitations 

9, 11 

Dinner parties 

48, 49, 90 


498 


INDEX 


Dinner parties : invitations to 

9, 94 

Dinner parties : general suggestions 

91 

Dinner parties: the small affair 

92 

Dinner parties : choice of guests 

94 

Dinner parties: preparations for 

95, 96, 97 

Dinner parties : serving 

99 

Disagreeableness 

470 

Driving, etiquette of 

322 

Dress : its influence on manner 

159 

Dress: for various occasions 

163 

Dress : suitability in 

166 

Dress : importance of accessories 

167 

Dress : wearing of j ewels 

169 

Dress : neatness in 

171 

Duty of hospitality 

225, 231 

Duty of maid 

420 

Duty of mistress 

420 

Duty to elders 

408 

Embracing 

277 

Engagements 

61 

Engagement gifts 

177 

Escorting women 

276 

Evening receptions 

53 

Expenses, wedding 

68 

Finances of young married couples 

453 

Finances: accounts 

458 

Finances : advantages of agreement 

457 

Finances : advice to wife 

455 

Finances: allowance for wife 

456 


499 


INDEX 


Finances : investing wife's money 

463 

Finances: marrying for money 

462 

Finances : wife earns allowance 

454 

Finger bowls, use of 

252 

Flowers for funerals 

233 

Forks, use of 

249, 255 

Functions 

48 

Functions: afternoon receptions 

54 

Functions: anniversaries 

62 

Functions: announcing engagements 

61 

Functions : christening parties 

64 

Functions : coming-out parties 

54 

Functions: dancing parties 

58 

Functions : dinner parties 

48,51 

Functions: evening receptions 

53 

Functions : how to conduct oneself 

51,58 

Functions: leaving 

52, 55 

Functions: luncheons 

52 

Funerals 

235 

Gentleness, value of 

471 

Gifts 

172 

Gifts, acknowledging 

175 

Gifts, appropriate 

173 

Gifts, birthday 

178 

Gifts, christening 

178 

Gifts, Christmas 

180 

Gifts for engagements 

177 

Gifts for weddings 

172 

Gifts for young women 

177 


500 


INDEX 


Gifts, lists of 181 

Gifts, marking silver 174? 

Girls : sending away to school 103 

Girls : boarding-school or college for 104? 

Girls: advantages of travel for 110 

Girls : desirability of accomplishments for 112 

Girls, etiquette for 339 

Girls, etiquette for : free and easy behavior 3 4? 4? 

Girls, etiquette for: impropriety of advances 345 
Girls, etiquette for : losing respect 341 

Girls, etiquette for : maidenly dignity 348 

Girls, etiquette for : permitting liberties 343 

Girls, plain talk to 340 

Golf, etiquette of 311 

Guests at hotels 282 

Hat, lifting of 271 

Home diversion : planning for 36, 37, 38 

Home diversion: games for 43 

Home, etiquette in 256 

Home, etiquette in : breaches of manner 262 

Home, etiquette in : courteous attentions 264 

Home, etiquette in : family table 259 

Home, etiquette in : politeness essential 258 

Home, etiquette in : recognizing others’ rights 265 
Home, etiquette in: respect necessary 258 

Horseback riding, etiquette of 322 

Hospitality 225 

Hospitality, bachelor 183 

Hospitality, duty of 225, 231 

501 


INDEX 


Hospitality, mutual obligations of 227 

Hospitality, return of 228 

Hospitality to strangers 230 

Hostess at table 246, 258 

Hotel, children in 280 

Hotel etiquette 282 

Hotel etiquette : conduct toward waiter 286 

Hotel etiquette : criticizing 286 

Hotel etiquette: dining-room conduct 285 

Hotel etiquette: instructions for guest 282 

Hotel etiquette : loud talking 284 

Hotel etiquette : tipping 288 

Hotel gossip 294 

Hotel, summer 291 

How to write letters 24 

I ndulgent parents 851 

Ingratitude, display of 485 

Interest, display of 478 

Investing wife’s money 468 

Invitations 1 

Invitations, acknowledging 1, 4, 7, 9 

Invitations, addressing 6 

Invitations, appreciation of 485 

Invitations, declining 9, 1 1 

Invitations for an “At Home’* 2 

Invitations for card parties 5 

Invitations for church weddings 5 

Invitations for dinners 9 

Invitations for evening receptions 3 


502 


INDEX 


Invitations for luncheons 

10 

Invitations in honor of friend 

S 

Invitations requiring no acceptance note 

1 

Inviting a visitor 

"217 

Leaving cards 

19 

Letter writing 

24 

Letters, addressing 

30 

Letters, answering 

25, 35 

Letters : colored letter paper 

27 

Letters of condolence 

33, 232 

Letters of congratulation 

33 

Letters : value of correspondents 

26 

Letters, dating 

30 

Letters : inclosing stamps 

34 

Letters, how to write 

25 

Letters : mourning stationery 

29 

Letters : plain white paper 

28 

Letters : postal cards 

31 

Letters : signatures 

30 

Letters: social forms 

28 

Listening, value of 

474 

Luncheons 

52 

Maid of honor 

71 

Maidenly dignity 

348 

Marketing : ill-manners while 

482 

Marriage, ceremonies of 

66, 78 

Marrying for money 

462 

Mistress and maid 

420 

Mistress and maid : duty to maid 

425 


503 


INDEX 


Mistress and maid : duty to mistress 428 

Mistress and maid : making confidant of maid 429 

Mistress and maid : making friend of maid 423 

Mistress and maid; relations between 420, 423 
Mistress, conduct of 420 

Mourning; attending funerals 236 

Mourning, cards of 20 

Mourning; church funerals 236 

Mourning; conduct of bereaved 242 

Mourning ; extending sympathy 2 87 

Mourning; flowers 233 

Mourning; funeral notices 233 

Mourning; home funerals 236 

Mourning, house of 232 

Mourning stationery, appropriate 29 

Mourning, time of 241 

Mourning veil 239 

Mrs. Newlyrich, ambitions of '327 

Mrs. Newlyrich, apparel of 337 

Mrs. Newlyrich ; conduct toward servants 330 

Mrs. Newlyrich ; engaging servants 329 

Mrs. Newlyrich ; forming new acquaintances 332 
Mrs. Newlyrich, house of 337 

Mrs. Newlyrich, manners of 325 

Mrs. Newlyrich; mastering forms 335 

Mrs. Newlyrich; purse-pride 338 

Mrs. Newlyrich, social duties of 323 

Music, wedding 73 

Napkin, use of 255 


504 


INDEX 


Neighbors 362 

Neighbors, addressing S64 

Neighbors, courtesy to 364 

Neighbors, familiarity with 368 

Neighbors, higher significance of 362 

Note-writing: as an accomplishment 132 

Notices, funeral 233 

Obedience, children’s 36 1 

Observation, value of 488 

Paper, letter 27 

P ar ents, indulgent 351 

Parish, etiquette of 371 

Parties, anniversary 62 

Parties, christening 64 

Parties, coming-out 54 

Parties, dancing 58 

Parties, dinner 36, 39 

Parties, house 202 

Pastor and parish 379 

Politeness in home 258 

Privacy, respect for others’ 268 

Postal cards, use of 31 

Public, addressing women in 275, 279 

Public, assisting women in 275 

Public, boarding a car in 273 

Public, bowing in 270 

Public, embracing in 277 

Public, escorting women in 276 

Public, etiquette in 270 


505 


INDEX 


Public, lifting hat in 

270 

Public, removing hat in 

280 

Public, resigning seat in 

274 

Public : theater conduct 

279 

Purse-pride 

338 

Receptions, afternoon 

54 

Receptions, evening 

53 

Receptions, invitations for 

3 

Returning calls 

23 

Rowing, etiquette of 

'320 

Rudeness 

469 

Spoon, use of 

249 

Sports, etiquette in 

308 

Sports, etiquette in : automobiling 

315 

Sports, etiquette in : driving 

• 322 

Sports, etiquette in : golf 

311 

Sports, etiquette in : horseback riding 

322 

Sports, etiquette in : politeness necessary 

308 

Sports, etiquette in : rowing 

•320 

Sports, etiquette in : swimming 

321 

Sports, etiquette in : tennis 

317 

Sports, etiquette in : yachting 

319 

Sports, general rules of 

309 

Summer hotel, etiquette of 

291 

Suppers ; Sunday night 

46 

Suppers : after the theater 

130 

Swimming, etiquette of 

321 

Sympathy, cards of 

22 

Sympathy, expressions of 

237 


506 


INDEX 


Table, at 

244 

Table, at: drinking coffee 

251 

Table, at: eating 

246, 248 

Table, at: salad 

251 

Table, at: second service 

254 

Table, at: the hostess 

246, 253 

Table, at: use of finger bowls 

252 

Table, at: use of fork 

249, 255 

Table, at: use of napkin 

255 

Table, at: use of spoon 

249 

Table, at: using fingers 

250 

Table, setting the 

244 

Table, sitting at 

245 

Telephoning, politeness of 

475 

Tennis, etiquette of 

465 

Tipping 

203, 288 

Traveling: trunks and bags for 

296 

Traveling: suitable clothing for 

299 

Traveling : making acquaintances while 

300 

Traveling: Pullman car preparations 

301 

Traveling: arrival in a strange city 

305 

Uninvited visitor 

196 

Ushers, wedding 

79 

Value of allowances 

465 

Visited, the 

213 

Visited, the : conduct toward guest 

219, 224 

Visited, the: decline of hospitality 

213 

Visited, the: inviting a visitor 

217 

Visited, the: preparing for visitor 

218 


507 


INDEX 


Visited, the: welcoming visitor 

218 

Visitor, the 

194 

Visitor, the: accepting invitations 

196 

Visitor, the: assisting hostess 

199 

Visitor, the: examples of misbehavior 

206 

Visitor, the: house parties 

202 

Visitor, the: keeping engagements 

197 

Visitor, the : meal time 

198 

Visitor, the : promptness essential 

195 

Visitor, the: proper mode of conduct 

211 

Visitor, the: thanking hostess 

204. 

Visitor, the: tipping servants 

203 

Visitor, the : what to avoid 

211 

Visitor, uninvited 

206 

Visitor, wardrobe of 

194 , 212 

Voice : speaking quality of 

266 

Weddings 

66, 78 

Wedding announcements 

88 

Wedding apparel, appropriate 

70, 82, 84 

Wedding at home 

66 

Wedding attendants 

68, 79 

Wedding bouquets 

86 

Wedding breakfasts 

69,86 

Wedding calls 

88 

Wedding ceremony 

74, 76, 81 

Wedding, church 

78 

Wedding decorations 

79 

Wedding, evening 

84 

Wedding expenses, how divided 

68 


508 


INDEX 


Wedding invitations, form of 66 

Wedding j okes, impropriety of 76 

Wedding music 73 

Wedding procession, order of 74, 80 

Wedding ushers 79 

Weddings : “At Home’' days 89 

Weddings : congratulations, expressing 7 5, 85 

Weddings : maid of honor 71 

Without a maid : dressing for work 43 1 

Without a maid : importance of order 435 

Without a maid : division of tasks 438 

Without a maid : studying housework 44 1 

Women’s clubs : broadening influence of 383 

Women’s clubs : formation of 386 

Women’s clubs : making the program of 387 

Women’s clubs : discussion in 390 

Women’s clubs : candidates for membership in 392 
Women’s clubs : reception of new members 393 

Women’s clubs : social functions of 394 

Women in business : social position of 444 

Women in business : proper dress for 448 

Women in business : broadened life of 449 

Y achting, etiquette of 319 

Young married couple 453 

Y oung women : and young men 123 

Y oun g women : introductions to 124 

Young women : proposing for 1 33 

Y oung women : calling on 125 

Young women: invitations from men 128 


509 







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